Soulmate Skills

Aren’t they sweet?  That sweetness infuses the entire painting doesn’t it?  She’s so tender and trusting and surrendered.  He’s so tenderly protective and focused totally on her.  Even the fabric of their garments is tender.  We wanted that tenderness by our bed.  So that’s where this painting is placed.  Right by our bed.  It softens our hearts.  It inspires our lying together.  We pass this idea along to you.  Make your bedroom a place of tender, sweet romance.  Your hearts and bodies will follow.

Eros & Psyche, The Archetype of Soulmate Love

We’ve always loved to shop together for twigs.  Early in our marriage, we were browsing The Museum Store in Dallas.  This statuette just leapt out at us.  It tugged at our hearts.  It resonated with the soulmate love we felt.  It’s not so much the Greek myth of Eros and Psyche we were loving.  It was the image portrayed here.  We loved the abandon, surrender, and passion they’re expressing.  We felt that too.  It was all-out extravagant love.  And we wanted that image in our home.  Apparently, other people saw it as an archetype we were embodying in our own relationship.  Because when Keith, Jim’s adult son saw it on our library table, he said, “Wow, when I saw this in the store in Minneapolis, it reminded me of you.  I almost bought it for you!”

The Jasmine Soap Valentine’s Gift

It was our first Valentine’s Day, 1989.  Jim was living in Berkeley; I in Louisiana.  We’d only known each other for a month.  But we had fallen hard for each other.  We still didn’t know (or hadn’t admitted to ourselves) where this would take us.  But Jim did something that melted me and made me love him even more.  He sent me a gift of jasmine soap.  And it had a note in it that said he knew I was an olfactory person, and this was a wonderful smell, so he wanted me to have it.  Well, that stunned me.  It was a perfect example of his beholding me (read more about this skill on our skills page).  I had no idea he had seen me; I didn’t remember telling him that I loved nice smells.  But it was true.  This is what Jim did and has always done for me–he really listens and observes me.  That is a fundamental thing we all want–in fact, it’s something we’ve all needed since infancy. It’s primal.  And when someone does that for you–really beholds who you are, it fulfills something deep down inside you.  There’s no better Valentine than that.

The Shower Nozzle Lesson

This is a story about Christmas gifts.  If you’re recovering from Christmas, you’ll know what I mean.  We were just a few years into our marriage.  I had told Jim I’d like a hand-held shower nozzle for Christmas.  He had gone to a lot of trouble to find one he thought I’d like.  On Christmas morning, when I opened it, I felt that lurch in my stomach–it wasn’t right!  But I couldn’t tell him.  After all, it was Christmas morning.  I just thanked him and told him how sweet it was that he’d gone to all that trouble for me.  January passed.  February was almost over.  Mardi Gras was here.  Jim brought up the subject:  “It’s almost March, and you haven’t put up your shower nozzle or gotten anyone to install it for you.  I’m wondering why not.”  Hmm.  I’m thinking, “Do I tell him?”  It felt awful.  I had that feeling you have when you try to get away with something, and you’re caught red-handed.  Well, I was caught red-handed in the act of withholding.  Withholding is when you subconsciously or consciously keep information from your partner.  I had withheld from Jim how I honestly felt about the gift he had given me.  I just couldn’t do it anymore.  So I dived in:  “I couldn’t tell you at Christmas, but while I love that you got me a shower nozzle, it’s not the right one.  It’s chrome, and I wanted a polished brass one to go with our other fixtures.”  Jim said, “Please.  In the future, I want you to tell me right away if you don’t like what I give you.  I long for honesty.  I grew up with dishonesty and withholding, and it’s particularly painful to me.”  I was surprised:  “You mean, you want honesty even on Christmas morning?”  He said, “Especially on Christmas morning.”  I was still puzzled:  “Even if it triggers your pain?”  He was adamant:  “Yes!  Even if it triggers my pain.  We can work through that.  But I want closeness.”  I got it.  “Okay, from now on, I’ll be honest, even on Christmas.”  So that’s how a shower nozzle taught me an important lesson about high-voltage soulmate relating.  Withholding how you feel and think will just get you distance.  Honesty and forthcomingness will get you closeness.

The Snuggling Snow Couple Rug

We love this rug.  It’s such a tender, sweet image that it melts us every time we look at it.  We keep it at our back door to our patio, so we get to see it a lot.  We’re sharing it with you, because it illustrates an important principle in creating a soulmate relationship:  You have to create an environment of enchanted, tender love.  And that means beware that your toughness (which can be useful in accomplishing tasks) can block soulmate living. 

When you surround yourself with these warm, tender images, every time you look at them, you’ll get a surge of brain chemicals that bathe your brain in pleasure.  You’ll be in a frame of mind to turn to your partner in love.  And you’ll want to communicate to each other in a loving way.  So, with that in mind, every time we’ve seen such images for sale, we’ve scooped them up to make our home a soulmate haven.

“Twigs” was the name Jim and I gave to the items with which we chose to feather our nest.  Jim saw that I loved nesting.  And being the empathic man he is, he took pleasure in joining me in creating our love nest.   Our clients and friends have been curious about what our life at home is like.  Well, here we’ll be opening our home to you, sharing the special things that have made our home a safe haven; a warm hearth.  We welcome your questions and comments.

The Baby Sea Lion

Before we even knew where our relationship would go–while we were still at Asilomar those first ten days of our meeting, Jim gave me our first twig.  Well, actually, it was our first totem.  We love the tradition of the Northwest native Americans who carved totem poles to establish their homes.  The totems were images that spoke to them of the things they wanted their home to be infused with.  For example, they’d carve an eagle for strength.  We took that idea and chose totems for our own relationship and our home that represented how we wanted to live.

While we were still at Asilomar, we had an afternoon off from our colloquium activities.  So, Jim, Rick (a big laughing, Bacchus of a guy who was a fellow doctoral student), and I went in Jim’s car to Barnyard Shopping Center for fun.  We wandered in the neat bookstore there and in the little shops.  At one point, Jim and I went into separate stores.  When we met up again, he had a little paper bag in his hand.  There in the bright, golden California sun of the shopping center courtyard, Jim handed me the bag.  I was surprised and charmed when I opened it to find this adorable stuffed baby sea lion.  He said it represented where we had met, there at the Monterey Bay area, where we had watched the little sea lions play. 

I knew when I saw it, that this was a man who saw the childlikeness in me.  And had the sensitivity to find an item to speak to it.  And who wanted to give me something I could hold and cuddle to remind me of him and of our magical meeting. 

We still have the little sea lion to this day.  It sits on our bookshelf in our bedroom, held in the arms of a soft brown bear Jim gave me for a special birthday at another wonderful place we love.  But that’s a story I’ll tell you later.