Soulmate Skills

At the drive-thru window, she ordered her plate lunch.  He asked her, “Would you like anything else?”  She thought, then said, “Yes, I think I’ll call my husband and get him a Coke.”  The server liked that.  He said, “I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but I’ve been married 28 years, and my wife and I still do things like that for each other.  That’s the secret to a happy marriage:  Spoil each other.”  She agreed, “I’m a couple therapist, and that’s what I teach my couples!”  So, we’re passing this on to you.  If you’re in a relationship, keep your partner in mind with the question, “How can I please her/him?  How can I give her/him pleasure?”  If you’re soulmate questing, look for someone who wants to spoil you and to be spoiled.

It was the premier psychological conference.  We had prepared to present our new work there.  As people began filing in to view our work and ask about it, I looked around for Jim.  Why, he was standing back, away from our display.  And he was beaming at me!  He was letting me have the glory!  At another presentation, I introduced Jim.  I spoke with pride of his genius; his founding of Anthetic Psychology, this new field that would at last set people free.  I wanted them to see him as I saw him.  I wanted him to have the glory.  That’s how it is with soulmates.  You revere each other.  You want others to know what you know about your beloved.  You want them to see what you see.

“Stay near me.  Speak my name.”  Those lines are from the poem, “Midcentury Love Letter;” very special to us.  That second sentence is what we want to point out to you today.  Specifically, that there is power in speaking your partner’s name.  Business people know this principle.  We all love to hear our name.  Now here’s a variation on that for lovers.  Get in touch with your adoration of your beloved, and then whisper–yes, whisper their name in their ear–four times.  It’s magical.  Here’s how I wrote in in my letter to Jim a month before our marriage:  “Oh, Jim, I hold you in my arms and hear you lose yourself in a litany of whispered ‘Kathys.’”  It was profound.   If you try this, you’ll experience the deepest power of speaking their name.

Once you find your soulmate, you’re going to want to make that love last.  We know.  When we found each other 22 years ago, we valued each other so highly, we wanted an eternal love.  Jim was wise enough to know the key ingredient it would take.  It wasn’t our white-hot attraction to each other (though that helps).  It wasn’t just that we were compatible (though that was important too).  It was skills.  We’ve needed very specific and unique skills, like requesting, challenging our Inner Critic, retrieval skills following a glitch, and more.  You’ll need these too.  We’ve shared some with you on our Skills page of this website.  There are more in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic (James Elliott, Ph.D. and Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D.).  We teach more in our seminars.  We use them in our counseling with couples.  Yes, you can make love last.  In fact, if you use these skills, your love will grow.  Now, that’s a formula for bliss.

I went through a surgery recently.  It’s not an easy thing to face.  In fact, it’s one of those times when life presents us with a chill.  But at every step, I was enfolded in love and kindness.  In pre-op, they had warm blankets waiting on the foot of my bed.  In surgery, as I transferred to the surgical table, more warm blankets comforted my back.  Most important, I was wrapped in the love of friends, family, and underneath it all, Jim.  I like the way he wrote about this in 1989:  “I am wrapped in your love.  Surrounded and supported by your total acceptance of me.  Your love keeps me warm.  It embraces me, holds me close, warms my soul.  So even though you are miles away, I am comforted.  Your steadfast affection and loyalty hover over me, protect me, give me affirmation.”    If you’re in an intimate relationship, enfold each other.  If you’re soulmate questing, search for the one whose accepting, steadfast love keeps you warm.

Brad said:  “You’re my once in a lifetime.”  He cried, got down on one knee.  Emily was moved, as were we.  She said, “Yes!” Even the pundits said it was one of the most romantic moments in “The Bachelor”’s history.  Now, we hear that they are struggling: she with jealousy of his connections with other women during the show’s filming; he with volatile feelings.  What’s going on here?  It’s stuff.  The two lovers’ emotional baggage is getting triggered.  It would be easy for us to be cynical and say, “Of course, romance doesn’t last.”  That’s not our message.  We know that romance; in fact, honeymoon fairy-tale romance can last a lifetime.  It’s going to take skills.  Very specific skills.  High-voltage relationship skills that we teach.  They equip partners with the concepts, values, and skills to confront the stuff in themselves and in the relationship.  Once confronted, we help couples get free from what’s driving it.  It’s going to be their Inner Critic; hurt inner figures; early faulty learning; and perhaps more.  So, watchers, take heart.  Love; in fact, fairy tale love can last.  And Brad and Emily, call us.   We’re at (337) 234-8221.

Want to have a relationship in which you trust each other?  Or want to restore trust that’s been lost?  There’s one secret ingredient that will do it:  honesty.  We mean tell your partner about your feelings; likes and dislikes.  Also, tell them what you’ve been thinking and doing.  We know this is counter to conventional wisdom that says, “Don’t upset your partner by telling the truth.”  From our years of counseling couples, we know that this strategy will get you one thing:  distance.  Not trust.  And definitely not closeness.  We also know what holds people back from honesty.  It’s thinking, “If I were honest, it would hurt my partner’s feelings.  It might make my partner angry.  My partner might throw it in my face later.  We’d just have a fight.”  It all comes down to this.  You have to decide on a basic value:  Do I want a High-Voltage Relationship or a Low-Voltage Relationship?  Do I want closeness or distance?  Choosing honesty and a high-voltage relationship might come with repercussions.  It’s a risk.  But the alternative is distrust and distance.  Besides, the repercussions can be processed.  So, our advice to you today:  Choose honesty, and let the chips fall where they may.

Want to know the secret to creating security in relationships?  I named it in my 1989 card to Jim:  “This morning I’m meditating on your devoted availability to me.”  How did Jim do it?  “You arrange your schedule to receive my calls (and you never ever act sacrificial about it), and you leave your phone on all night when you know I might need you.  I know absolutely that I can call you anytime, and your voice, when it hears mine on the other end, will turn all warm and delighted and say, ‘Aw, Kathy.’”  So, if you want to create security, or if you’re trying to assess whether a person will provide you with that security, observe whether they are there for you.  As I told Jim, “To be assured of a loving welcome is a wonderful thing.”

“I have this sense that seeing you again, looking each other in the eye, and your holding my face in your hands would be enough to bring me to orgasm (no genital touching necessary).”  I wrote that to Jim one month after our meeting.  I’m sharing it today, because I hope it will encourage you about deepening your sexual connection.  It’s not about being a good technician; it’s about being a good connector.  I continued, “That’s how deeply you touch me.  And that’s a tribute to you and the quality with which you relate to me that I could be moved so deeply by the emotional/spiritual interchange with you.”  So, if you’d like this too, start by telling each other what a treasure they are to you.  Be specific.  Let your heart gush words of valuing of the other.  It will lead to a profound connection in your heart, your soul, and your body.

Want more closeness?  There’s one word that will go a long way to producing it.  That word is–”Yes!”  In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve discovered that saying “Yes” to easy-to-do requests is an important ingredient in closeness.  Why?  Because you’ll not only be making your partner happy by fulfilling their desires, you’ll be living from a caring part of yourself.  That’s a part who can empathize with your partner’s pleasure.  Now, to say Yes, you’re going to need to be free.  That is, free from psychological blocks such as self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.  In short, you’ll need to get free from your Inner Critic’s condemnation of your surrendering to love.*  So, today, listen to your partner’s requests.  Then, try saying, “Yes!”  Closeness will be your reward.

*For more on getting free from blocks to closeness, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.