Soulmate Skills

I was only going for my Ph.D.  At least that’s what I thought.  But the Universe had other plans.  It had lagniappe for me.  In Cajun culture, that’s when you get something extra added to what you expected.  My lagniappe was Jim–sitting waiting for me in that meeting room the first day of my Ph.D. program.  Now, I can’t help but think, that’s the best lagniappe I ever got.  I want to pass this on to you.  You might be going for one thing you’re expecting and find the lagniappe of your dreams!

At the drive-thru window, she ordered her plate lunch.  He asked her, “Would you like anything else?”  She thought, then said, “Yes, I think I’ll call my husband and get him a Coke.”  The server liked that.  He said, “I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but I’ve been married 28 years, and my wife and I still do things like that for each other.  That’s the secret to a happy marriage:  Spoil each other.”  She agreed, “I’m a couple therapist, and that’s what I teach my couples!”  So, we’re passing this on to you.  If you’re in a relationship, keep your partner in mind with the question, “How can I please her/him?  How can I give her/him pleasure?”  If you’re soulmate questing, look for someone who wants to spoil you and to be spoiled.

I know.  It’s not Christmas.  Even so, visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head.  Well, a version of sugarplums.  As I read a letter I wrote Jim in 1989 (four months before we married), it suggested how important our ability to image, dream, envision is.  Here’s what I told Jim:  “Thank you for imaging me as a lovely bride.  You are incredible, you loving man!”  This came after I had told Jim about the wedding dress I’d bought–a Laura Ashley confection of flowers on a sky blue background.  Two thousand miles away in California he was dreaming of me in that dress on our wedding day.  I, in turn, was doing my own dreaming.  I wrote, “A little thought: I think I want you to drive the car when we are married.”  Each of our dreams came to be.  Four months later, I stood by him in that dress as we spoke our vows.  As we left the wedding reception, he drove.  So, our message today is, go ahead.  Let your own visions of sugarplums dance in your head.  Dreams really do come true.

I went through a surgery recently.  It’s not an easy thing to face.  In fact, it’s one of those times when life presents us with a chill.  But at every step, I was enfolded in love and kindness.  In pre-op, they had warm blankets waiting on the foot of my bed.  In surgery, as I transferred to the surgical table, more warm blankets comforted my back.  Most important, I was wrapped in the love of friends, family, and underneath it all, Jim.  I like the way he wrote about this in 1989:  “I am wrapped in your love.  Surrounded and supported by your total acceptance of me.  Your love keeps me warm.  It embraces me, holds me close, warms my soul.  So even though you are miles away, I am comforted.  Your steadfast affection and loyalty hover over me, protect me, give me affirmation.”    If you’re in an intimate relationship, enfold each other.  If you’re soulmate questing, search for the one whose accepting, steadfast love keeps you warm.

She’s waiting for her soulmate.  She’s not settling.  So, she bought a box.  It’s an intriguing decorative box; sort of antique-looking travel box with an old-fashioned handle.  One side has an ancient globe on it with the words, “Life is a journey; love is what makes the journey worthwhile.”  She’s using her box as a container for thoughts, clippings, and items that represent her soulmate quest and that she wants to share with him when he arrives.  Jim did a version of this as he waited for his soulmate.  He made a scrapbook.  In it he put poems, cartoons, clippings about love.  The poems he read to me at our first lovemaking.  They became part of our wedding ceremony.  If you’re waiting for your soulmate, you can do this too.  Save the special quotes, poems, items that represent your search and your hope.  They’ll bless you and become a source of celebration when you and your soulmate find each other.  They’ll enrich your fulfillment.

There’s something for us in last night’s TLC airing of an interview with Prince William and his fiancee, Kate.  The topic: their first impressions of each other.  He said he was interested in her the first time he saw her.  She told her friends, “I met this really nice boy.”  Notice the principles for guiding your soulmate quest here:  1) immediate interest and attraction and 2) wanting to tell your friends about them in complimentary terms.  You’ll be bursting with it, but, like Kate, you’ll be guarded about it.  You still have to check them out further.  Meanwhile, go ahead.  Enjoy those first impressions.  They may be the first step in a fairy tale romance.

How can you recognize your soulmate?  Jim captured it in his 1989 letter to me:  “I am aware more and more that what attracts me to you is the fact that you are my counterpart–and that no one else even comes close to being that.  At the same time, you are someone other than me.  First, you are female, with all the magic and mystery and fascination that that entails for me.  Second, you have a more highly developed spirituality than I, so I am getting constant surprises from you.  Third, that you are Southern.  And fourth, a whole bunch of other things.  So you are my identical twin but not a carbon copy.  Sufficiently identical for us to fall into each other; sufficiently different for us to be constantly surprised by each other.”  There you have it.  You’ll know your soulmate by two things:  how much alike you are and how you are surprised by each other.  As Jim, said, “It’s a nice combination.”

She stayed in a painful relationship.  It was one she admitted was no good for her.  She reasoned, “There are so few good men out there.  If I give up this relationship, I’ll never find another one as good.”  Why do we stay in a relationship with the wrong person?  Dr. James Elliott explains in Disarming Your Inner Critic, “You think you might be able to convert this flawed person (who is perhaps cool and distant) into someone who is not only successful and effective but who really does love you.  On top of this, your Inner Critic will tell you that if you give up pursuing him or her, you’ll never find another one ‘as good.’  Your Inner Critic is just interested in protecting you from the riskiness of giving and receiving genuine love.” (p. 107)  This boils down to that we stay in a dead-end relationship at the hands of our Inner Critic.  The good news is that we can get free.  Our stuckness stems from just one more magnified fear generated by our Inner Critic.  Don’t give that fear the power of belief.  The Inner Critic has no idea what it’s talking about.  There are plenty good men out there.  And there’s one just for you.

“I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.” This was the climactic line in “The Wedding Date,” a movie Jim and I watched last night.  As we held hands, Jim in his hospital bed and I beside him, I said to him, “I’d rather sit here and watch movies with you than be out galavanting with anyone else.”  He nodded.  We think that’s an important clue for recognizing your soulmate:  Would you rather be doing anything at all with your partner than doing something grand with anyone else?  If you can answer “Yes!” you have an essential confirmation.

“It’s a new world order!”  So spoke one of our male Disarming Your Inner Critic book study participants.  He nicely captured something we noticed: More and more men are moving from valuing being outward-directed and success-driven.  Instead, they are choosing to be more self-reflective and psychologically-minded.  In addition, while men still prioritize sex in a relationship, they also want an emotional connection.  So, if you’re a man who fits this profile but wonders if he’s weird, now you know.  You’re part of a new world order!  Women, if you’ve wondered if you could find a man who could be sensitive and want closeness, take heart.  Your man is out there.