Soulmate Skills

“I applaud the way you’re dealing with your feelings of being off-center and your anxiety and feelings of unrest; I want to assure you again that these are signs of impending growth, and you are accepting and integrating them instead of making them go away.”  These were Jim’s words to me in 1989; a time of great upheaval and change in my life.  Are you, too, going through such a time?  If so, we’re offering you the reassurance Jim gave me.  It’s the perspective that everything we feel is acceptable.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but the strategy Jim taught me has proved true:  “Keep encouraging your jangly feelings to bubble up; they will inevitably lead to growth.”

In the last week, we’ve watched the movie Secretariat four times.  Why does it hold such attraction for us?  Because the story of this horse and his determined owner holds archetypal power.  One line from the movie captures it: “Stand up in the world.  Live the way you believe.”  That’s for each of us to do.  In our work in Anthetic Psychology, we call it living fromyour Natural Self.*  That’s the part of you that’s full of aliveness; full of you-ness.  It’s also the part that knows how to live true to who you are.  Your Natural Self knows what will make life fulfilling.  It also knows who will make your relationship life fulfilling.  Our task is as the song in the movie says, “You choose your race, and then you run.”  Secretariat ran his race; he won the final race of the Triple Crown by 31 lengths, a feat that has never been matched.  He’s a model for us.  We just need to live and love true to our Natural Self.  We too will have wings.

*See p. 28 of James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott’s book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Do you say, “It’s just natural to be angry”?  Or “Who wouldn’t feel bad in those circumstances”? Or even, “It’s normal to want your own space a lot”?  That’s conventional wisdom about emotional pain.  But that’s not what we say in Anthetic Psychology.  Sure, such feelings are common to us as humans.  But they’re not something we just have to live with; nor just wait until they pass.  Such feelings as anger, an impulse to distance, and other painful feelings are clues to a reactive structure driving those bad feelings.  Most often, your Inner Critic is pouncing.  Then too other inner figures are involved, such as a disempowered figure or an entitled figure.  That’s what our counseling work addresses.  That’s what our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, empowers you to get free from.  You never again have to buy the explanation that your upset feelings are just natural.

“That’s just the way I am.”  “If I were to change, I wouldn’t be me.”  “I don’t need therapy: I’m doing okay the way I am (well, except for the fact my relationships don’t work.)”  Sound familiar?  These are all examples of the cover story we create to explain the problems our Inner Critic produces.  In Anthetic Psychology, we label our cover story a buffer.  It keeps at bay the emotional pain our Inner Critic induces.  We’re here to tell you, you don’t need a cover story.  Your worth as a person is a given.  You never have to create a fiction to prove you’re a good person.  Our work is focused on helping people get free from Inner Critic constrictedness.  You can present yourself to the world just as you are–no cover.*

In Disarming Your Inner Critic (James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott), we explain in detail how to get free from the cover stories we create.  Our book is available here on our sidebar and at www.amazon.com.

When we’re alone, we often don’t see ourselves.  We need each other to see who we really are.  Let me give you an example from our lives.  When Jim and I were parting at the San Jose Airport, he had parked the car away from the terminal near the trees.  With another hour or two before my flight, we had sat in the car and talked and talked.  At one point, the security guards tapped on Jim’s window and asked if everything was okay.  I felt guilty (for no reason, of course).  But Jim handled it with such strength and maturity, I just loved him for it.  And I told him so in one of my first letters to him.  Doing so had a big impact on Jim.  He wrote:  “I love feedback from you; for example, about the security guard at the airport.  To me that seemed quite ordinary, what I did; your writing about it gave me a new perspective on myself.”  So, that was it.  In being beheld, we each began to see ourselves in a new light:  “So that’s me?  That strong man that she sees?”  Yes, that’s you.  When you see yourself through my eyes, you glimpse your magnificence.

Are you feeling stuck?  Does every day seem to be the same-old thing? Every relationship end up in the same dead end?  Here’s why: You’re living by your Inner Critic’s commands.  It’s the part of you that keeps you stuck.  So any feeling or impulse that could enhance your life gets immediately condemned, rejected, and submerged.  You’ve limited your options.  In short, your life is constricted.  Take heart.  We’re here to teach you to get free from Inner Critic living.  You can start now.  Take back your rights:  “I have the right to be Tender in expressing love; to be Tough enough to make requests; to be Self-Sufficient enoughto manage on my own when needed; to be Dependent enough to seek a heart connection.  In fact, I have the right to be expansive; to step out into my life in whatever way I choose.”  There!  Do you feel your spirit uncramping?*

*Disarming Your Inner Critic will give you much more help in getting unstuck.  Click on our Products tab above or get it at amazon.com.

“I don’t like to talk about feelings.”  This statement is not what it appears–a simple statement of dislike.  You’ll need to decode this one.  It actually is a symptom of thymophobia, which means a fear of feelings.  We all have a certain amount of this problem.  For example, you may find it easy to cry but have trouble expressing anger.  Or you may find it easy to express anger but difficult to express hurt.  In each case, the avoidance of feelings is driven by trying to avoid the Inner Critic induced pain you’d feel if you dared to express that feeling.  Not only does thymophobia block our personal growth, it also blocks closeness.  Because when we can’t confront a feeling, we don’t want to listen when others talk about their feelings.  So, to get free, take back your right to feel everything!  Come alive!*

For more on thymophobia, see page 113 of Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott and Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

We want to alert you to a stumbling block that could color your Christmas with unhappiness.  It’s the problem of symbolic surprise expectations.  These are those almost universal longings in us that get triggered at holiday gift time.  We secretly want our spouse, partner, parent, relatives, or friends to automatically know the longings of our heart for a certain gift.  We don’t tell them what we most want.  And that’s the problem.  Because as we unwrap our presents, that item isn’t there!  And we feel deeply disappointed.  What is this about?  It’s our hurt inner child.  It comes on stage at Christmas and drives us to want the beholding and love we never got as children.  Problem is when we try to get what we want by wishing, hoping, and not telling anyone what we want, we are trapped in trying to symbolically fulfill those old longings.  But people more often than not don’t know what we deeply long for.  Unless we tell them.  Next problem:  Our inner child doesn’t want to have to say it!  The child in us wants to be surprised, because then it means they beheld us.  More symbolism.  How do you get out of the pain of symbolic surprises?  The key is to choose to live from personal power.  Become conscious of your symbolic surprise pattern.  Make the choice no longer to be a silent, disempowered child.  Instead, make neutral requests for what you want.  And tell the gift-giver how important it is to you.  But what if there’s no one in your life now to be that gift-giver?  Give it to yourself!  With an attitude of love and indulgence.  You can be the loving adult in your own life.  Let the surprise this Christmas be the experience of living from your own power!

Christmas Ghosts.  We’re talking about the old feelings of defectiveness and inferiority that get triggered when you’re around family and old friends for the holidays.  One that’s on our minds today:  “I have to prove to them I’m good.”  Variations on this theme:  “I have to prove I’m not inferior.”  “I have to show them what I’ve made of myself so they’ll respect me.”  We want to assure you this is just Inner Critic stuff.  Whether or not those folks are being judgmental toward you, it’s your Inner Critic that’s delivering the emotional pain you feel around them.  Feeling flawed and less-than come straight from that inner torturer.  Now that we’ve given you the label for those feelings, apply it.  Everytime you feel the chill of those old ghosts, say, “That’s just my Inner Critic.  I have the right not to prove anything to anybody.  My worth is a given; not an item to be proved.”  We wish you free and happy holidays!

We’re going to give it to you straight.  If you want a high-voltage soulmate relationship, you have to flatly refuse to live by toxic values.  These may suprise you:  1) Relationship Perfectionism–it causes defensiveness; 2) Reactive Pride–it makes you touchy and quick to take offense; 3) Thinking it’s OK to Act Out Negativity–anger, secretiveness, harsh criticism–it will wreck your relationship; 4) Living in Your Little Boy or Little Girl–you’ll feel like a victim with no power and see your partner as the powerful parent.  If you’ve gotten into any of these, we want to set you free.  You have a choice.  Values are chosen.  What you choose is what you get.  Instead of these toxic values, choose love, psychological flexibility, forthcomingness, and working on your stuff.  You’ll be laying the foundation for an optimal high-voltage relationship.