Soulmate Skills

She walked across the campus greeting each person with a smile and a bright “Good Morning!”  With only one exception she received a grunt, “Uh,” in reply!  To the one person who returned her smile and greeting, she said, “How are you?”  He said, “Blessed!”  She agreed with him, “Me too!”  The lesson I see for us is not that we have to always be smiling.  It’s that we have a choice to be happy.  We can exercise that choice by connecting with each other.  We can recognize that we are blessed in this amazing way:  love is always ready to flow through us to others.  Today, try greeting each person you meet.  Let love flow through you.  Have a blessed day.

Here’s a self-test for you.  Do you ever say:  1.  “You painted me into a corner.”  2.  “You put me on the spot.”  3.  “I feel like I’m being punished.”  4.  “You’re not letting me be me.”  5.  “You’re making me into the bad guy!”  If you said “Yes” to any or all of these,  realize that you’ve been feeling like a victim.  More important, each is a clue to your own power giveaway.  We want to help you get free.  The secret is that your own shoulds (not the other person’s “power”) are keeping you in the victim position.  The way out?  Take back your power by challenging  each should contained in the statement you’ve said.  For example, “You painted me into a corner” contains the should, “You should stay where someone wants you to be.”  The challenge is, “I have the right to go anywhere I please.  I have the right to get out of any corner any time I wish.”  Truth is, you are a free spirit.  Claim it today!  (For more on getting free from power giveaways, read page 124 in Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott.)

Judgmentalism.  Defensiveness.  Withdrawal.  All examples of negativity.  We know the toll it takes on your dream for a fulfilling relationship.  We want to offer you hope–and skills for breaking this pattern.  In Anthetic Relationship Therapy, we teach Clue Work: using surface clues such as your negative responses as doors opening into the deeper mechanisms that drive negative behavior.  Once you identify the clues, you can dismantle the mechanisms and put them out of play.  We’re not talking about willpower.  Nor trying to shape yourself cosmetically into looking good in others’ eyes.  We’re talking about accepting yourself fully.  We call it becoming an Anthetic free spirit.  We’ve layed it all out for you in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic*.  As you practice the skills contained in it, you’ll find that in getting free from self-constrictedness, you’ll be in shape for emotional closeness.  And for the relationship of your dreams.

*Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott, Ph.D., with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., is available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Your brain is on a short fuse to make you feel bad!  So explains Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuropsychologist and author of Buddha’s Brain.  He says that in our attempt to survive, we humans evolved to give preferential treatment to fear and anxiety.  So, even though we no longer have tigers to steer clear of, our brains still are hypervigilant for danger, even when none exists.  He calls it a neurobiological bias toward negativity (http://www.rickhanson.net/your-wise-brain/how-your-brain-makes-you-easily-intimidated).  Given that we’re wired toward feeling bad, what can we do?  Here’s how, in Anthetic Therapy, we defuse it.  Dr. James Elliott found that when his clients gave that negativity a name, they became empowered to see it more clearly.  He (and they) liked the term Inner Critic.  As he worked with his growth groups and therapy clients, he discovered that the Inner Critic functions by imposing shoulds backed by emotional punishment if not obeyed.  Hence, the person suffered from low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other problems.  The good news is he also discovered that a simple set of techniques could set people free from the power of the Inner Critic.  He taught them to make releasing statements that helped them buy out of believing the Inner Critic.  (For more on defusing your Inner Critic’s power, read Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott.)  So, take heart, your biology is not your destiny.

Ever responded to a compliment on something you’re wearing with, “Oh, this old thing?  I got it on sale at WalMart!”?  Ever quipped in response to  someone praising you about an achievement, “I was just lucky”?  This is what we call praise deflection.   Guess who’s behind it?  If you said, “My Inner Critic,” you were right!  Its goal: To safeguard you against the danger of thinking too well of yourself.  Net result:  You miss out on the pleasure of agreeing with someone who gives you a compliment.  The antidote?  Say to your Inner Critic, “I have the right to accept compliments; even to agree with them.”  Believe it.  We want you to have this pleasure.*

*From p. 98, Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott, Ph.D. with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

Been feeling irritable lately?  Like any little thing could set you off.  You know how it goes.  First, you feel a little unsettled.  Then, a little aggravated.  Next thing you know you’re biting your loved one’s head off over the smallest thing.  You’re puzzled.  So, you think, “Must be the stress I’m under at work.”   Or “Maybe I’m PMSing.”  We want to let you in on the secret to why we can feel irritable.  It’s that you’ve submerged your Natural Self energies.  Whole parts of yourself condemned to be locked away into your subconscious.  Why?  Because if they were to emerge into consciousness, your Inner Critic would pounce.  Then you’d feel scared, depressed, defective, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, inferior.  Of course, we can’t keep those powerful energies submerged for long.  They inevitably emerge, and usually in disguised form.  They come out sideways.  Hence, your irritability.  By telling you this secret, we’ve just outed your Inner Critic.  Now whenever you feel that irritability, you can label it.  “I must be constricting myself at the hands of my Inner Critic!”  Then ask yourself, “What is it I’ve been feeling or desiring that I won’t let myself look at?”  Let those inklings of the answer emerge fully into your awareness.  Then use one of our releasing statements.  You’ll get free.  Your irritability will vanish.  You can enjoy your life–and your relationships– in peace.*

*For more on getting free from your Inner Critic, see Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

High Self-Esteem: Valuing yourself and having positive feelings for yourself.  In our counseling practice, we love to give people the secret to it.  We want to give it to you now.  We call it Anthetic self-esteem.  You can have it by unconditionally loving and accepting yourself.  You’ll have to make a place in your self-concept for every little thing in yourself.  Fear.  I accept that.  Anger.  I accept that too.  Awkwardness.  I love myself and accept that too.  It doesn’t matter what comes up, just love yourself and accept that too.  You’ll walk into your day knowing you’re acceptable and loved just as you are.*

*For more on increasing your self-esteem, see our book Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  It’s here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

Oh, that waiting time for your soulmate can seem like forever.  For me, it was nine years between my first longing and Jim’s arrival in my life.  But, despite its tediousness, the waiting time is an essential time.  Here’s how I described it in my 1989 letter to Jim:  “You said that you weren’t ready for me before.  Yes, I feel I have been ripening for you; for our relationship.  I am more a full me than I have ever been.  I think, ‘How strange that this man so perfectly mated to me should come into my life when my life is most full.’”  So, soulmate questers, don’t despair, your waiting time is an important time for your own development.  Use this time to follow your sparks; follow your personal bliss.  You are ripening!

Do you have a decision to make?  Maybe about a life partner, a job, or some other action to take.  Here’s a tip to help you make a good decision:  Be systematic.  Not impulsive.  Do research–pros and cons.  Analyze consequences.  Don’t decide when you’re angry or fearful.  Make a list of your ideal for this situation.  Check how well this decision matches your ideal.  The closer the match, the more likely you’ll be satisfied with the outcome.  Oh, and one more thing.  Once you’ve systematically made your decision, be at peace.  You can always edit.  By that we mean, most decisions can be corrected.  For any that can’t, you can merely get free from any Inner Critic put-downs about yourself.  Everything’s going to be okay.

“Yes, I am both gentle and strong.  My male strength is here for you when ever you want it.  I will be careful to ensure that your slightest fear, your tiniest qualm will get my full care and attention.  It will be an act of love to do this, a deep pleasure for me.”  Jim’s words to me in his March 1989 letter.  Can you see how I was transported with love and valuing of this man?  He was giving me the two things modern women want:  masuline strength paired with gentleness and sensitivity.  How does a man develop these qualities?  By doing what Jim did:  developing his tolerance for strong emotions in himself and others.  Learning to note them when they bubble up; just observe them, “Oh, there’s some pain.  There’s some sadness.  There’s some anger.  I can just let them be what they are; I don’t have to do anything about them.”  Then learn to take pleasure in caring.  Feel the good feelings that come with connecting with another with love.  Cultivate these, and you will be a man women have to have.