Soulmate Skills

Judgmentalism.  Defensiveness.  Withdrawal.  All examples of negativity.  We know the toll it takes on your dream for a fulfilling relationship.  We want to offer you hope–and skills for breaking this pattern.  In Anthetic Relationship Therapy, we teach Clue Work: using surface clues such as your negative responses as doors opening into the deeper mechanisms that drive negative behavior.  Once you identify the clues, you can dismantle the mechanisms and put them out of play.  We’re not talking about willpower.  Nor trying to shape yourself cosmetically into looking good in others’ eyes.  We’re talking about accepting yourself fully.  We call it becoming an Anthetic free spirit.  We’ve layed it all out for you in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic*.  As you practice the skills contained in it, you’ll find that in getting free from self-constrictedness, you’ll be in shape for emotional closeness.  And for the relationship of your dreams.

*Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott, Ph.D., with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., is available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

“It’s a new world order!”  So spoke one of our male Disarming Your Inner Critic book study participants.  He nicely captured something we noticed: More and more men are moving from valuing being outward-directed and success-driven.  Instead, they are choosing to be more self-reflective and psychologically-minded.  In addition, while men still prioritize sex in a relationship, they also want an emotional connection.  So, if you’re a man who fits this profile but wonders if he’s weird, now you know.  You’re part of a new world order!  Women, if you’ve wondered if you could find a man who could be sensitive and want closeness, take heart.  Your man is out there.

Ever responded to a compliment on something you’re wearing with, “Oh, this old thing?  I got it on sale at WalMart!”?  Ever quipped in response to  someone praising you about an achievement, “I was just lucky”?  This is what we call praise deflection.   Guess who’s behind it?  If you said, “My Inner Critic,” you were right!  Its goal: To safeguard you against the danger of thinking too well of yourself.  Net result:  You miss out on the pleasure of agreeing with someone who gives you a compliment.  The antidote?  Say to your Inner Critic, “I have the right to accept compliments; even to agree with them.”  Believe it.  We want you to have this pleasure.*

*From p. 98, Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott, Ph.D. with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

“I applaud the way you’re dealing with your feelings of being off-center and your anxiety and feelings of unrest; I want to assure you again that these are signs of impending growth, and you are accepting and integrating them instead of making them go away.”  These were Jim’s words to me in 1989; a time of great upheaval and change in my life.  Are you, too, going through such a time?  If so, we’re offering you the reassurance Jim gave me.  It’s the perspective that everything we feel is acceptable.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but the strategy Jim taught me has proved true:  “Keep encouraging your jangly feelings to bubble up; they will inevitably lead to growth.”

“That’s just the way I am.”  “If I were to change, I wouldn’t be me.”  “I don’t need therapy: I’m doing okay the way I am (well, except for the fact my relationships don’t work.)”  Sound familiar?  These are all examples of the cover story we create to explain the problems our Inner Critic produces.  In Anthetic Psychology, we label our cover story a buffer.  It keeps at bay the emotional pain our Inner Critic induces.  We’re here to tell you, you don’t need a cover story.  Your worth as a person is a given.  You never have to create a fiction to prove you’re a good person.  Our work is focused on helping people get free from Inner Critic constrictedness.  You can present yourself to the world just as you are–no cover.*

In Disarming Your Inner Critic (James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott), we explain in detail how to get free from the cover stories we create.  Our book is available here on our sidebar and at www.amazon.com.

Odd as it may sound, to have closeness in your relationship, you have to be a researcher.  Now, don’t panic.  You won’t need to know statistics, you’ll just need a few simple skills.  You’ll need to employ these skills whenever your partner gives you feedback.  For example, Jim told me, “You seem touchy.”  Now, my impulse was to automatically deny it with, “No, I’m not touchy!”  But, Jim taught me to say, “Can you tell me more about that?”  And even to say, “Can you say what I’m doing that leads you to say that?”  Once you learn to respond to feedback in this way, you’ll reap three dividends:  One, you’ll have a chance to learn about yourself.  Two, you’ll have the opportunity for elements in your personality to emerge and be accepted by you.  And three, using Anthetic releasing statements (see our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic), you’ll get free from some self-condemnation and constrictedness.  Oh, and as an added dividend, you’ll get closeness with your partner.  So, be a Researcher!

“Well, I carved out this time for myself–no responsibilities–now what do I do?”  Here’s the key:  Tap your Natural Self.  That means getting in touch with what sparks you.  You can sit quietly to access it or you can wander around aimlessly.  The point is pay attention to your inner world.  Does a little thought enter you mind, “Ooh, that might be interesting”?  That’s a spark.  Does a stronger impulse nudge at you, “Oh my gosh, that would be so wonderful to do”?  That’s a spark too.  If you’re a couple, tell each other, “You know what?  I’d like to….  Would you join me?”  We have one more suggestion:  Connect.  With your feelings.  Share those feelings about yourself, about life, about each other–with each other.  In short, follow those sparks!  You’ll cure boredom.  You’re sure to enjoy the day.

“Are you going to put that much salt in the stew?”  Jim asked me.  I puffed up defensively.  “I’ve been cooking this dish for years!  I’ve always put this much salt.”  I was proud of being a good cook.  So, I was ready for an argument when Jim asked his question.  I know I’m not alone in this.  There’s also, “I’m proud of my ability to make money;” “I’m proud of how I keep house;” even “I’m proud of being a caring person.”  While pride may seem like a worthy goal, it can also have some drawbacks.  Because pride is a buffer.  Something that props up our self-esteem.  We rely on it to keep our Inner Critic at bay.  And there’s the problem.  We’ll defend the object of our pride to the death.  If we didn’t have that buffer, we’d feel all the pain the Inner Critic can inflict:  “You’re imperfect.”  “You’re defective.”  In fact, “You’re inferior.”  That’s why we’ll argue about it with out partner.  Want to nip that argument in the bud?  1) Recognize that your defensiveness is a clue that this item is not just something you like about yourself.  It’s a buffer.  2) See that there’s an Inner Critic should attached to it.  For example, “I should be a perfect cook.”  3) Get free from obeying the should.  Say to your Inner Critic, “I have the right to be an imperfect cook.  In fact, a bad cook!”  Do these things, and peace will reign in your house.  Not only that, you might learn a thing or two from your partner.

When we’re alone, we often don’t see ourselves.  We need each other to see who we really are.  Let me give you an example from our lives.  When Jim and I were parting at the San Jose Airport, he had parked the car away from the terminal near the trees.  With another hour or two before my flight, we had sat in the car and talked and talked.  At one point, the security guards tapped on Jim’s window and asked if everything was okay.  I felt guilty (for no reason, of course).  But Jim handled it with such strength and maturity, I just loved him for it.  And I told him so in one of my first letters to him.  Doing so had a big impact on Jim.  He wrote:  “I love feedback from you; for example, about the security guard at the airport.  To me that seemed quite ordinary, what I did; your writing about it gave me a new perspective on myself.”  So, that was it.  In being beheld, we each began to see ourselves in a new light:  “So that’s me?  That strong man that she sees?”  Yes, that’s you.  When you see yourself through my eyes, you glimpse your magnificence.

Did you know you are a sculptor for your partner?  According to the late relationship researcher Caryl Rusbult, if all goes well, partners sculpt each other to help them become the person each aspires to be; in fact, the ideal that each desires for himself or herself.  I loved reading this research, because it gave me a name for what I asked Jim to do for me when we first met.  In fact, after only five days of knowing him, I asked him to inseminate me!  I said, “I have a request that you inseminate me with your strength, with a belief in myself.”  And he began that process that very evening.  He has continued it over our entire marriage, teaching me the skills for becoming strong; for becoming the person I ideally wanted to be.  He’s affirmed the strength in me.  So, now I say, “Jim, you are my Michelango.  You have sculpted me and brought out the best in me that I aspired to 22 years ago.”  We share this with you so that you, soulmate questers, may assess any potential partner:  “Do they affirm me and help me become, not what others think I should be; not what they think I should be; but what I would love to be?”  If you’re already in a relationship, you can help your partner in this unique way:  Hear their heart’s desire for what they long to become.  Then affirm and support them in doing just that.  Rusbult says here’s the true test:  If your partner is being your Michelango, you will feel exhilarated.  I can attest to that!