Soulmate Skills

“I was so blessed  that you saw your evasion of facing my feminine power.  And that you chose to face me, to hold it.  Oh you are big enough for me.  I long for a man to face me head-on on all levels: emotional (you do); physical (you do); intellectual (you do), and spiritual (ah, you do).  Thank you, Jim.”  I wrote this to Jim six weeks after we met.  I had been revealing my thoughts and feelings to him about his attraction and power for me.  It wouldn’t have been unusual if he had not responded directly to my words, out of embarrassment or fear.  But he gave me a direct, feelingful response.  So, how do you grow the capacity for such high-voltage connection?  I’ll quote my Mama on this one.  She told me, “If we say, “Ah, this is too much for me, it often is.  But if we say, ‘I am big enough to contain this, we can.’”  You can do this too.  Just resist the urge to avoid a deep connection.  Face your partner’s feelings.  Claim your head-on soulmate love.

The results are in:  You can honeymoon forever!  Research from Bianca Acevedo, PhD (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-the-wild-things-are/201010/can-romantic-love-last-forever) confirms that romantic love–yes, you heard it right–romantic love– is an attainable lifetime goal for relationships.  Don’t think your relationship has to settle into mere companionship.  It doesn’t.  What’s more romantic love is good for you.  As Jim wrote me many years into our marriage, “You are my twin; my heart’s desire; you set various parts of me on fire…And as we go from day to day in a seemingly quotidian way, The splendor of our lives hold sway, And God looks down to seek–His two lovers.”

“I’m waiting for the right time to talk to him about it.”  We can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard those words.  Our advice?  Don’t wait for the “right” time.  Jim’s 1989 letter to me explains why:  “”How pleased I am at the way we bring up issues and glitches and process them immediately (I know there’s nothing seething inside, and that makes me feel calm and secure).”  So that’s it.  When you talk about feelings as they come up, you’re no longer sitting with it inside, where you’ll start to seethe about it.  Like us, you will feel calm and secure.

You know how you can long to get something from a partner–maybe diamond earrings; maybe a weekend vacation together; maybe a simple, “I love you”?  And months or years go by without the slightest sign that you’ll receive it?  Then one day, there it is!  Your partner comes through: The gift-wrapped box with those sparkling earrings; the tickets and reservations to that cherished spot; the sound of those tender words in your ear.  And what are you tempted to say?  ”Too late!  You should have done this years ago.”  It would be such sweet revenge.  But unless you want to end the relationship, don’t say it!  Why?  Because it’s revenge.  And revenge is a closeness-killer.  Plus it’s cold comfort.  Instead, let the goodness of this moment sink in.  Say, “Thank you.  This means so much to me.”  Then, let the sweet pleasure draw you closer.

“My sweet girl.  And you are sweet.  How nice to have someone who is not contentious, judgmental, jangly!  And who is accepting.  And who is committed to resolving conflicts not by escalating them and acting out but by working on stuff, as I am.  You are so perfect for me, it takes my breath away when I think of all the ways you are.”  Ooh, Jim’s letter to me (1989) thrilled me.  As I read it now, 21 years later, I see he outlined 5 ways we can all sweeten our relationships:  1) Don’t be contentious; 2) don’t be judgmental; 3) don’t be jangly; 4) be accepting; and 5) resolve conflicts not by escalating them and acting out your upset, but by working on the stuff that’s driving them.  Do these 5 things, and it will leave you–breathless!

“Every day I think of you and sense my love for you, and it feels stronger and deeper than I have ever loved before, and I think:  This is as deep as I can ever love; there is no room for any more of it; I’ve reached the absolute limit.  And then you say or do something, and I get a rush of even more love for you, and I think What could I have been thinking?  So I realize that I can’t put any limits on how much I love you; there will always be room for more, impossible as that may seem at any one time.”  This quote is from Jim’s letter to me in 1989.  What he was realizing, we’ve found to be true about love.  You can’t put limits on it.  It just keeps coming, more and more. Why is this?  We’ve experienced that it’s because the source of love is God.  And God’s love is limitless.  So, our encouragement to you is, if you think you’ve reached the end of your love, go to the source.  There’s always more where that came from.

“This is one of the things I love about you–that nothing you do is ordinary; it is charged with meaning, and I am sensitive to all those charges of meaning, and I merge with them, from the jasmine soap to the unbuckling of seat belts!  Oh, what a rich life we have here, with so many things full of significance; it’s like a rich and exotic feast.”  I’m quoting from Jim’s letter to me in February 1989.  His words contain the recipe for how to never get bored in your relationship.  Here are the 3 ingredients:  1) Imbue everyday items and activities with significance and meaning.  For example, Jim sent me a bar of jasmine soap as a gift, because he knew I liked sweet smells.  It arrived on a day when I had received news of a friend’s death.  Seeing jasmine as a healer of the heart, I took the soap and created a shower ritual.   I wrote Jim, “I used your soap and received the healing, love and blessing I knew you intended toward me.”  2) When you see your partner making meaning of ordinary things, do what Jim did–behold it with sensitivity.  Tell your partner that you see what they are doing.  3) Merge with your partner about this.  Empathize.  Join them in the wonder of the moment.  This recipe will not only prevent boredom; it will create as Jim said, “a rich and exotic feast.”

“Silence is golden”–It’s one of those sayings you have to critique.  What’s wrong with it?  It’s a way that partners act out their emotional pain.  It’s often a way of evading making a response that would feel humiliating.  It’s a way of ignoring your partner.  At some level, it’s meant to hurt.  This all adds up to that it’s disrespectful.  And it’s uncaring.  So, beware of silence.  It will kill closeness.  Instead, report the pull to be silent.  Say, “I have a pull to be silent, but I’m not going to go there.”  Instead, talk about your pain.  For example, “I’m feeling hurt.  I have a request.  There’s something I want from you.”  In other words, keep talking to each other, but from your vulnerability.  It will maintain closeness.  It will keep your love alive.  And it will feel a lot better.

We can live only in the experience.  Well, that’s nice.  Or we can deepen our ecstasy by stepping back from ourselves and beholding who we are as a couple.  This is how Jim did it in his June 1989 letter to me:  “I want to tell you how pleased I am at the way we bring up issues and glitches and process them immediately…how well we function together.  We move very fast, darling, and we dig very deep.  As we work through issue after issue, I feel more and more bonded.”  As he wrote those words, and as I read them, our closeness intensified.  When you step back and observe yourselves, you’ll have the opportunity to evaluate how you’re doing, then to tweak any spots that you’d like, then to celebrate what you are creating.  You’ll create bliss.

Want to know whether you’re loved or liked?  Feel embarrassed to ask?  It’s just not done, right?  Wrong!  High-Voltage partners do it all the time.  In fact, it’s necessary.  “Do you love me?” or “Do you like me?” are more than requests for information.  They’re requests for the expression  of warm feelings.  If your partner is not interested in expressing such feelings, she or he is not interested in having a high-voltage relationship of intense closeness.  If your partner says “Yes”, here’s the next question to ask, “What do you love about me?”  The love that gets expressed fans the flame of your soulmate connection.  It can warm a heart, a home, a life.