Soulmate Skills

For the first time ever, we have a vegetable garden!  A wonderful friend planted it in our back yard as a gift to us.  Now, we have a profusion of cucumbers and tomatoes.  It’s the extravagance of spring right before our very eyes.  In this very intimate experience of nature we see a metaphor for the nature of love.  At the heart of love is extravagance.  In reading through our 1989 love letters, I found my meditation on this.  I wrote Jim, “Love in all its Extravagance has open hands.  It gives and doesn’t fret or point the finger at motive of the receiver.  No chiding, no tight-lipped, parsimonious welcome.  It has open arms.  It runs to meet its beloved.”  So, go ahead.  Be extravagant in your loving.  It’s the nature of love.

Brad said:  “You’re my once in a lifetime.”  He cried, got down on one knee.  Emily was moved, as were we.  She said, “Yes!” Even the pundits said it was one of the most romantic moments in “The Bachelor”’s history.  Now, we hear that they are struggling: she with jealousy of his connections with other women during the show’s filming; he with volatile feelings.  What’s going on here?  It’s stuff.  The two lovers’ emotional baggage is getting triggered.  It would be easy for us to be cynical and say, “Of course, romance doesn’t last.”  That’s not our message.  We know that romance; in fact, honeymoon fairy-tale romance can last a lifetime.  It’s going to take skills.  Very specific skills.  High-voltage relationship skills that we teach.  They equip partners with the concepts, values, and skills to confront the stuff in themselves and in the relationship.  Once confronted, we help couples get free from what’s driving it.  It’s going to be their Inner Critic; hurt inner figures; early faulty learning; and perhaps more.  So, watchers, take heart.  Love; in fact, fairy tale love can last.  And Brad and Emily, call us.   We’re at (337) 234-8221.

Want to know how to bring mega-intensity back to your love life?  Here’s a peek into how Jim and I infused ours from day one.   It’s from our love letters.  Jim to Kathy:  “I have surveyed your mind, your body, and your spirit.  And I pronounce all I see exquisitely good.  Just the way a woman ought to be.”  Kathy to Jim:  “You are my man.  And you are man enough for me.”  What’s going on here?  We are beholding each other; affirming what we see; the emotional and sexual power that followed was intense.  You can have this too.  Survey your partner; affirm to them what you see.  Then, watch.  Kapow!  Your love life will explode in sparks of joy and pleasure.

Want to deepen your connection with each other?  Try your power to fantasize.  Here’s an example from Jim and me.  In 1989, during our six months spent 2,000 miles apart, Jim wrote me of his hot fever of longing for me.  I wrote back:  “There is a peaceful oasis in me–the lush grove deep inside me welcomes you.  And there is a little waterfall with cool green fresh water bubbling.  Here, my love, take a drink.  And there is a carpet of soft green grass prepared just for you.  Lie here, and I will lie beside you.  Feel yourself calm.”  You can do this for each other.  Hear the other’s distress.  Let a helpful image come to you.  Speak it, filling in the details.  You’ve got fantasy power.  It will bless your partner.  And deepen your connection.

Women, here’s an ALERT for you:  Beware of Your Judgmentalism Toward Men!  It can be subtle or blatant.  A curl of the lip (that’s contempt).  A little verbal jab (that’s revenge).  It’s our attempt to feel one-up to men.  Problem is it comes at a high price–pain in the men we love; a hardening of our own hearts.  Truth is, we don’t need to bolster our self-esteem by putting men down.  Our worth is a given.  Let’s choose empathy over negativity.  Our men will be relieved; we will be blessed.

Can you run out of love?  Can you just get tapped out?  Here’s what Jim wrote to me in 1989:  “Our love, Dear Kathy, is not our own.  It comes through us from some transcendent Source.  We both know how powerful it is, and I’m happy that you and I are willing and eager to accept the task of channeling it.  It’s so sweet.  We are learning, you and I, to deal with this powerful force.”  We realize that the transcendent Source that Jim talked about never runs out of love.  So, fear not, dear ones, if you’re not feeling the love, you’re simply experiencing a psychological block to it.  Perhaps anger at your partner.  Perhaps hurt.  Talk through those feelings, and you’ll unblock the love.  It’s a source that never runs out.

Want more closeness?  There’s one word that will go a long way to producing it.  That word is–”Yes!”  In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve discovered that saying “Yes” to easy-to-do requests is an important ingredient in closeness.  Why?  Because you’ll not only be making your partner happy by fulfilling their desires, you’ll be living from a caring part of yourself.  That’s a part who can empathize with your partner’s pleasure.  Now, to say Yes, you’re going to need to be free.  That is, free from psychological blocks such as self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.  In short, you’ll need to get free from your Inner Critic’s condemnation of your surrendering to love.*  So, today, listen to your partner’s requests.  Then, try saying, “Yes!”  Closeness will be your reward.

*For more on getting free from blocks to closeness, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

Since his stroke disabled the left side of his body, Jim’s right arm has been doing all the loving.  When I first greet him in the morning, I say, “You’re my James.  I’m your Kathryn.  And I love you with all my heart.”  He reaches for me with his right arm and holds me tight and pats and pats and pats me.  I love it.  Yesterday, when he woke up, Jim said to me, “I like pats too!”  So, as we sat together last night, I patted and patted and patted him.  He loved it.  Our point is what you give your partner in the way of affection and love may very likely be what you would love to receive.  You just need to do like Jim did:  Tell your partner.  That’s the thing that makes a high-voltage relationship so satisfying.  You think it.  You feel it.  You voice it.

We woke in the wee hours.  I told him, “You’re my beloved Jim.”  He said in turn, “You are my well-loved wife.”  I melted and said, “You are right!”  I told someone recently, “You have the look of a well-loved woman!”  She took it in stride, “Yes, I am.”  Now, how do you get a well-loved woman?  Here’s the secret:  You make over her.  You tell her how much you love her.  You shower her with affection.  You assure her she’s the best.  The only woman for you.  You’ll never leave her.  You know what makes her happy, and you do those things.  You’ll see.  She’ll walk around with a glowing, happy look that everyone will notice.

“I feel like a little child, trusting and good.  Innocent and loving.  Facing you.”  Jim wrote this to me two months after we met.  It reminds me that love requires a return to innocence.  When we love, we drop our defenses.  We open our hearts.  Like little children, we have no facade of coolness or toughness.  We open our arms.  Our faces go soft.  Our love freely flows.  For high-voltage soulmate love, this childlike loving is mutual.  So, soulmates, today, return to innocence.