Soulmate Skills

Can you run out of love?  Can you just get tapped out?  Here’s what Jim wrote to me in 1989:  “Our love, Dear Kathy, is not our own.  It comes through us from some transcendent Source.  We both know how powerful it is, and I’m happy that you and I are willing and eager to accept the task of channeling it.  It’s so sweet.  We are learning, you and I, to deal with this powerful force.”  We realize that the transcendent Source that Jim talked about never runs out of love.  So, fear not, dear ones, if you’re not feeling the love, you’re simply experiencing a psychological block to it.  Perhaps anger at your partner.  Perhaps hurt.  Talk through those feelings, and you’ll unblock the love.  It’s a source that never runs out.

Want more closeness?  There’s one word that will go a long way to producing it.  That word is–”Yes!”  In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve discovered that saying “Yes” to easy-to-do requests is an important ingredient in closeness.  Why?  Because you’ll not only be making your partner happy by fulfilling their desires, you’ll be living from a caring part of yourself.  That’s a part who can empathize with your partner’s pleasure.  Now, to say Yes, you’re going to need to be free.  That is, free from psychological blocks such as self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.  In short, you’ll need to get free from your Inner Critic’s condemnation of your surrendering to love.*  So, today, listen to your partner’s requests.  Then, try saying, “Yes!”  Closeness will be your reward.

*For more on getting free from blocks to closeness, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

Wow! So your first date went well.  Now what?  Jim and I want to share with you what we did.  We’re considering our ten-day doctoral meeting our “first date.”  What we did was talk about it–to each other.  At length.  Listen to Jim’s letter written about the night we parted:  “As I lay in bed, all kinds of images came to me–your dear face, your empowering words, the song you sang.”  (He’s bringing up the images of our meeting that stayed with him. You can do that too.)  Then he told me the impact on him our meeting had produced:  “I was driving to go shopping for groceries, and a car cut in front of me.  I was about to get angry when I said, ‘Wait a minute,’ and I was now speaking from some deep place in me, and the episode of the other driver now seemed quite insignificant; just a little ripple way up there , not very important at all, and I could love the driver of the other car.  So I now felt that serenity that I hadn’t known at all that I was lacking.  And you had evoked that in me.”  Here, Jim puts into words how I had affected him; even changed him.  You can do that too.  So, if you’re wondering what to do after the first date, we say, talk about it.  Review with each other the scenes left in your mind.  Most important, put into words how that experience has impacted you.  Do these things, and you’ll be creating your high-voltage soulmate relationship.

If you’ve read Our Story-Part 9 (click on the Our Story tab above), you’ll know that today was the day 22 years ago that I made that outrageous request of Jim.  After only six days of knowing him, I asked him to inseminate me!  I explained that I was asking for him to imbue with his presence, his strength; with a belief in myself.  From that first sight of him, I had seen his personal power, and I wanted that essence of who he was inside me.  Not surprisingly, after I dared to speak it, my Inner Critic pounced.  I told Jim, “I’m afraid you’ll see my request as a physical come-on.  My Inner Critic says it’s phony; it’s just sex I’m wanting.”  In response, Jim taught me an important perspective:  “But even if physical sex were to be involved, it would be symbolic of deeper insemination.”  You know, Jim was right.  At its best, sex is not just a physical act.  It is an expression of the merging of heart, soul, and body of the two lovers.

We want to talk about some pretty core insecurities we’ve dealt with in ourselves.  (Our therapy clients have admitted struggling with these too.)  Kathryn: “I think my thighs are too fat!”  Jim: “Do girls really like semen?”  Because Jim and I wanted as much closeness as possible, we explored these shameful areas with each other.  What we discovered is that when you love someone with a high-voltage soulmate love, you embrace all parts of your partner.  What has been rejected by previous partners is enfolded by your soulmate.  So, Jim told me, “I love your thighs.”  I told him, “I treasure your semen.  It can be my steady diet!”  Our acceptance of each other is a product of two things:  Utter valuing of each other and getting free from any judgmentalism that society can install in us.  You can have these too.

Since his stroke disabled the left side of his body, Jim’s right arm has been doing all the loving.  When I first greet him in the morning, I say, “You’re my James.  I’m your Kathryn.  And I love you with all my heart.”  He reaches for me with his right arm and holds me tight and pats and pats and pats me.  I love it.  Yesterday, when he woke up, Jim said to me, “I like pats too!”  So, as we sat together last night, I patted and patted and patted him.  He loved it.  Our point is what you give your partner in the way of affection and love may very likely be what you would love to receive.  You just need to do like Jim did:  Tell your partner.  That’s the thing that makes a high-voltage relationship so satisfying.  You think it.  You feel it.  You voice it.

We woke in the wee hours.  I told him, “You’re my beloved Jim.”  He said in turn, “You are my well-loved wife.”  I melted and said, “You are right!”  I told someone recently, “You have the look of a well-loved woman!”  She took it in stride, “Yes, I am.”  Now, how do you get a well-loved woman?  Here’s the secret:  You make over her.  You tell her how much you love her.  You shower her with affection.  You assure her she’s the best.  The only woman for you.  You’ll never leave her.  You know what makes her happy, and you do those things.  You’ll see.  She’ll walk around with a glowing, happy look that everyone will notice.

They taught me, “Don’t  put yourself out there for people;” “Make sure you’re getting as much as you’re giving.”  I’ve been evaluating that philosophy I was handed.  My conclusion is, “That’s not love.  That’s bookkeeping!”  In fact, being in a December frame of mind, I’m thinking, “That’s a ‘Scrooge’ way of living.”  It’s driven by Inner Critic shoulds for justice.  When I live this way, it just blocks love.  And happiness.  This holiday season, I choose openheartedness; freedom from constrictedness.  When I express the love that’s inside me, it’s bliss.  Join me.  Don’t Scrooge your love.  We’ll make this the season of joy.

“I was so blessed  that you saw your evasion of facing my feminine power.  And that you chose to face me, to hold it.  Oh you are big enough for me.  I long for a man to face me head-on on all levels: emotional (you do); physical (you do); intellectual (you do), and spiritual (ah, you do).  Thank you, Jim.”  I wrote this to Jim six weeks after we met.  I had been revealing my thoughts and feelings to him about his attraction and power for me.  It wouldn’t have been unusual if he had not responded directly to my words, out of embarrassment or fear.  But he gave me a direct, feelingful response.  So, how do you grow the capacity for such high-voltage connection?  I’ll quote my Mama on this one.  She told me, “If we say, “Ah, this is too much for me, it often is.  But if we say, ‘I am big enough to contain this, we can.’”  You can do this too.  Just resist the urge to avoid a deep connection.  Face your partner’s feelings.  Claim your head-on soulmate love.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had this problem.  It’s about standing with the ecstasy of someone expressing love to me.  In 1989, Jim wrote me that he wanted us to work together, presenting workshops.  I put our feelings into this letter:  “You were so fearful to say it, and I was so beside myself to hear you offer it, that we both just touched it and ran, like two excited children touching some fascinating beautiful piece of crystal, then streaking off.”  As more and more opportunities for experiencing the ecstasy of Jim’s expressions of love for me, my tolerance for the intensity of it grew.  I’ve learned to catch myself when I deflect love or touch it and run.  Still when I see that I’ve missed the opportunity to enjoy expressed love, I’ve learned to say, “Would you say that again so I can let it in?”  Today, I pass this idea on to you.  Savor the love that’s coming your way.