Soulmate Skills

“Stay near me.  Speak my name.”  Those lines are from the poem, “Midcentury Love Letter;” very special to us.  That second sentence is what we want to point out to you today.  Specifically, that there is power in speaking your partner’s name.  Business people know this principle.  We all love to hear our name.  Now here’s a variation on that for lovers.  Get in touch with your adoration of your beloved, and then whisper–yes, whisper their name in their ear–four times.  It’s magical.  Here’s how I wrote in in my letter to Jim a month before our marriage:  “Oh, Jim, I hold you in my arms and hear you lose yourself in a litany of whispered ‘Kathys.’”  It was profound.   If you try this, you’ll experience the deepest power of speaking their name.

Judgmentalism.  Defensiveness.  Withdrawal.  All examples of negativity.  We know the toll it takes on your dream for a fulfilling relationship.  We want to offer you hope–and skills for breaking this pattern.  In Anthetic Relationship Therapy, we teach Clue Work: using surface clues such as your negative responses as doors opening into the deeper mechanisms that drive negative behavior.  Once you identify the clues, you can dismantle the mechanisms and put them out of play.  We’re not talking about willpower.  Nor trying to shape yourself cosmetically into looking good in others’ eyes.  We’re talking about accepting yourself fully.  We call it becoming an Anthetic free spirit.  We’ve layed it all out for you in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic*.  As you practice the skills contained in it, you’ll find that in getting free from self-constrictedness, you’ll be in shape for emotional closeness.  And for the relationship of your dreams.

*Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott, Ph.D., with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., is available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

I’m surveying how I’ve done at High-Voltage relating with Jim over these past 22 years.  I feel like I did in middle school when I was learning to play violin.  Nancy, my best friend, had the gift.  She was always 1st chair violin in orchestra, meaning she was the best.  I was 2nd chair.  I practiced and practiced.   It was hard for me.  For her, it just flowed.  This past week, I told Jim, “It feels like you have been 1st chair High-Voltage Relater.  I have been 2nd chair and have had to struggle and practice and practice.  For you, it just flowed.”  He nodded.  I’m sharing this because I know for some of you being close comes easy; for others of you it’s hard.  We want to encourage you.  Whether easy or hard, relating to each other with honesty, forthcomingness, and openness is worth it.  I don’t mind being 2nd chair.  Jim is always next to me.

Brad said:  “You’re my once in a lifetime.”  He cried, got down on one knee.  Emily was moved, as were we.  She said, “Yes!” Even the pundits said it was one of the most romantic moments in “The Bachelor”’s history.  Now, we hear that they are struggling: she with jealousy of his connections with other women during the show’s filming; he with volatile feelings.  What’s going on here?  It’s stuff.  The two lovers’ emotional baggage is getting triggered.  It would be easy for us to be cynical and say, “Of course, romance doesn’t last.”  That’s not our message.  We know that romance; in fact, honeymoon fairy-tale romance can last a lifetime.  It’s going to take skills.  Very specific skills.  High-voltage relationship skills that we teach.  They equip partners with the concepts, values, and skills to confront the stuff in themselves and in the relationship.  Once confronted, we help couples get free from what’s driving it.  It’s going to be their Inner Critic; hurt inner figures; early faulty learning; and perhaps more.  So, watchers, take heart.  Love; in fact, fairy tale love can last.  And Brad and Emily, call us.   We’re at (337) 234-8221.

This is a very special anniversary for us.  It was 22 years ago today that Jim and I consummated our sexual relationship.  As we read Jim’s letter of the week before, we realized it contained the elements we want to recommend to you.  Here’s what he wrote:  “Now, about sex.  We absolutely do not have to have intercourse when we are together in New York.  Or ever.  There must be no pressure driving what we do.  If we do not have sex, I will not abandon you.  And if we ever do have sex, I want you to know that it will be a sacrament for me.  A holy event charged with meaning.  Sigh!”  To highlight what he was saying: 1)  He wanted us to freely choose to be sexual or not.  Not goaded by Inner Critic fears or shoulds.  2) If we did have sex, his attitude was one of awe.   He would hold it as holy; a sacred event.  So, today, as we celebrate this special anniversary, we offer you those two principles.  They will help you distinguish soulmate sex.

Been feeling irritable lately?  Like any little thing could set you off.  You know how it goes.  First, you feel a little unsettled.  Then, a little aggravated.  Next thing you know you’re biting your loved one’s head off over the smallest thing.  You’re puzzled.  So, you think, “Must be the stress I’m under at work.”   Or “Maybe I’m PMSing.”  We want to let you in on the secret to why we can feel irritable.  It’s that you’ve submerged your Natural Self energies.  Whole parts of yourself condemned to be locked away into your subconscious.  Why?  Because if they were to emerge into consciousness, your Inner Critic would pounce.  Then you’d feel scared, depressed, defective, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, inferior.  Of course, we can’t keep those powerful energies submerged for long.  They inevitably emerge, and usually in disguised form.  They come out sideways.  Hence, your irritability.  By telling you this secret, we’ve just outed your Inner Critic.  Now whenever you feel that irritability, you can label it.  “I must be constricting myself at the hands of my Inner Critic!”  Then ask yourself, “What is it I’ve been feeling or desiring that I won’t let myself look at?”  Let those inklings of the answer emerge fully into your awareness.  Then use one of our releasing statements.  You’ll get free.  Your irritability will vanish.  You can enjoy your life–and your relationships– in peace.*

*For more on getting free from your Inner Critic, see Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Want to know how to bring mega-intensity back to your love life?  Here’s a peek into how Jim and I infused ours from day one.   It’s from our love letters.  Jim to Kathy:  “I have surveyed your mind, your body, and your spirit.  And I pronounce all I see exquisitely good.  Just the way a woman ought to be.”  Kathy to Jim:  “You are my man.  And you are man enough for me.”  What’s going on here?  We are beholding each other; affirming what we see; the emotional and sexual power that followed was intense.  You can have this too.  Survey your partner; affirm to them what you see.  Then, watch.  Kapow!  Your love life will explode in sparks of joy and pleasure.

“He hates it when I’m depressed.  He doesn’t know what to do.”  Said by one of my recent female counseling clients.  But I’ve heard it from many.  So, men, here’s some help for you in handling your woman when she’s down.  First, what not to do:  Don’t withdraw.  Don’t say, “Snap out of it.”  Instead, ask her, “Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”  Then, just listen.  Next, ask her, “Is there anything you’d like from me?”  Finally, take her in your arms, and tell her, “I’m here for you.  I love you.  Everything’s going to be alright.”  There.  Now, you’re equipped.

Want to deepen your connection with each other?  Try your power to fantasize.  Here’s an example from Jim and me.  In 1989, during our six months spent 2,000 miles apart, Jim wrote me of his hot fever of longing for me.  I wrote back:  “There is a peaceful oasis in me–the lush grove deep inside me welcomes you.  And there is a little waterfall with cool green fresh water bubbling.  Here, my love, take a drink.  And there is a carpet of soft green grass prepared just for you.  Lie here, and I will lie beside you.  Feel yourself calm.”  You can do this for each other.  Hear the other’s distress.  Let a helpful image come to you.  Speak it, filling in the details.  You’ve got fantasy power.  It will bless your partner.  And deepen your connection.

“I have this sense that seeing you again, looking each other in the eye, and your holding my face in your hands would be enough to bring me to orgasm (no genital touching necessary).”  I wrote that to Jim one month after our meeting.  I’m sharing it today, because I hope it will encourage you about deepening your sexual connection.  It’s not about being a good technician; it’s about being a good connector.  I continued, “That’s how deeply you touch me.  And that’s a tribute to you and the quality with which you relate to me that I could be moved so deeply by the emotional/spiritual interchange with you.”  So, if you’d like this too, start by telling each other what a treasure they are to you.  Be specific.  Let your heart gush words of valuing of the other.  It will lead to a profound connection in your heart, your soul, and your body.