Soulmate Skills

Bologna.  That’s what I wanted.  It was our first grocery shopping trip together.  Jim went for the ham and put it in our basket.  We pushed our cart on to the next aisle.  Jim saw I was upset.  He said, “What just happened?”  I said, “I wanted bologna!”  He said, “We both get to have what we want.  Did you think you couldn’t say what you wanted or just pick it up?”  I said, “Yes.”  Boy, that was early in our marriage, and I had a lot to learn.  More to the point, I had a lot of self-constriction to overcome.  All those inner critic shoulds not to say what I wanted.  If you have that too (and most of us do), realize it’s just your Inner Critic saying you don’t have the right to say what you want.  It may even tell us that our partner will get angry if we make a request.  What’s needed is an Anthetic challenge.  Here are a couple:  “I have the right to say what I want.”  “Even if my partner gets angry, I still have the right to make this request.”  Now you’ve got it: If you’re afraid to ask for what you want, that’s just your Inner Critic.  Label it.  Challenge it.  Your satisfaction will grow.*

*For more help in making requests, see Disarming Your Inner Critic available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com. 

It’s already starting.  Those holiday crazy feelings.  There’s one in particular our therapy clients are beginning to struggle with–feeling as though you don’t belong.  “Everybody else at the party or the family dinner has a right to be there, but not me!”  We want to tell you not to trust such feelings.  They’re sheer Inner Critic messages:  You’re defective.  Inferior.  Not a full-fledged member of some group.  Or even of the whole human race.*  It’s your Inner Critic that’s labeling you “the Outsider.”  We’re here to empower you to be free from that inner saboteur.  Say to your Inner Critic: “I have the right to be here.  I have the right to be what you call defective and inferior and still be here.  Claim your place at the party.  At the table.  You are welcome here.

*From page 106, Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott  with Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

It’s Halloween in America.  A holiday celebrating all things scary.  We want to alert you to your own personal Halloween of which you may be unaware.  Beware of the Watchers.  They’re the ghosts of powerful people from your past for whom you may be unconsciously performing.  Here’s a test:  Do you give your partner what he or she really wants–like acknowledgement, sex, affection?  Or are you knocking yourself out doing things your partner really doesn’t care about–like cleaning the house, leaving no dirty dishes in the sink, or working long hours for extra pay?  If you answered Yes to the latter, you may be living your life trying to please the Watchers–people (like your Mom or Dad) you carry around in your head whose potential disapproval you’re trying constantly to prevent.  This Halloween banish those ghosts.  Here’s how to break the spell:  Say to your Watchers,  “I’m not here to live up to your expectations!”

You have Inner Critic shoulds that keep whole chunks of your personality submerged.  Locked away.  If they try to emerge, the feelings of defectiveness lead you to push them back down into your subconscious mind.  And that takes a toll on closeness in your relationships.  Because if the condemned parts of yourself were to be exposed and others see it, your Inner Critic would lead you to feel the pain of humiliation.  And there’s the connection:  I have to stay distant from you; can’t let you know all of me.  If you did see all of me, especially those hidden parts, you would surely reject me.  This is why Anthetic Inner Critic work is so crucial to high-voltage soulmate relationships.  As you get free from your Inner Critic; as you no longer accept its condemning messages, you move toward welcoming all parts of yourself.  And so you open yourself to letting others see you too.  Now you can connect the dots:  Self-Acceptance…Closeness.

“As you get free from your Inner Critic and begin to live from your natural self, other people may not approve.  You may find that others try to police you back into your old reactive life style. They may call you self-centered and selfish simply because you are no longer putting them first.”  Underlying their anger at you may be the message, “How dare you get away with being free when I’m not able to.”  Our message to you is, don’t let the Inner Critic Police get you down.  “You have the right to decide how you will live your life.  This life is too precious to let others live it for you.” (From p. 224, Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott, Ph.D. with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D.

We hope you slept well last night.  But in case you didn’t, here’s something that might help:  Your sleepless night might have come from backlash.   That’s a term we use in Anthetic Psychology to mean the pouncing of your Inner Critic after you’ve gotten free enough to perform some action that defies it.  You might feel guilty, ashamed, anxious.  It’s all Inner Critic emotional punishment of you for stepping out of the box it put you in.  Here’s what to do.  Say one more releasing statement that goes like this:  “Just because I felt bad doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong.”  You should sleep better tonight.

“How to Stop the Blame Game–Cold!” It’s the topic we’re presenting on today at Louisiana Counseling Association.  Wish you could join us, but here’s a gem for you on the subject:  Blaming others for not getting what you want is:  A Power Giveaway!  It puts your happiness in the hands of other people.  We know it seems as though others have done it to you.  But we want to let you in on the secret behind power giveaways:  If you’re blaming others for not getting what you want or being who you want to be, the underlying reason is you have given away your power by believing a command from your Inner Critic.  Let us translate a blaming statement for you as an example of what we’re talking about:  “You won’t let me have my feelings!”  Translation:  “I shouldn’t feel what I’m feeling.”  How to stop the blame game cold?  Get free from the inner critic command couched in that blaming statement.  In this case, it’s “I have the right to feel whatever I’m feeling.”  Just like that, you’re free!

Freedom.  How scary it is.  When you start getting free from your inner critic, you feel exhilarated.  Then you feel fear.  “I’m free.  I can do anything.”  Yes. It was your inner critic that was keeping you in check–limiting your options.  It told you that to live from your Natural Self was dangerous.  We say:  If you feel scared, you’re doing it right!  What we’re saying is that the fear you feel when you start becoming liberated from your inner critic is merely the anxiety of entering a new psychological territory.  We want to assure you that these feelings are perfectly natural.  They will pass in a week or two.  In their place will be a new philosophy of life–one guided by inner freedom, non-reactive love and genuine caring.*

Read pages 242-255 of Disarming Your Inner Critic for much more on overcoming fear.  Our book is available here on the sidebar and on amazon.com.

Eigentlich.  German philosopher Martin Heidegger coined this term.  It means becoming your own self.  No longer living from a herd-mentality.  No longer machinelike doing what others expect of you.  Instead it’s engaging in that amazing process of progressively and increasingly accessing the potentials that exist in your psyche.  Then freely deploying any of those potentials as you choose to.  It’s also called individuation.  It is a process.  As it continues you are no longer trapped by a driven overconcern with what other people think about you.  You are less and less addicted to their approval.  You may still enjoy approval, but you no longer are driven by such a strong craving for it.  You define yourself as a separate entity.  You disengage more and more from the shoulds imposed by your Inner Critic.  Yes, you are a free spirit.*

*For skills for becoming your own self, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, available here and at amazon.com.

“I don’t like it when you’re oppositional.”  Jim’s words to me.  “When I say something, you automatically oppose it.”  Ooh, I don’t want to be that way.  I ask him, “What is that about?”  “You want to start a fight,” he says.  Hmm.  Let me get curious.  “Is it a buffer?  Something that props up my self-esteem?  If I allowed myself to agree with you or be influenced by you, I’d feel one-down?”  He’s nodding, “Yes.”  Okay.  I’m going to monitor myself about that.  Just because I agree with Jim or am influenced by him doesn’t make me less of a person.  There.  I just got a bit freer.  That feels better.