Soulmate Skills

James Emerson Elliott, Ph.D.  Friends, family, colleagues celebrated his life June 3, 2011.  He was more than a soulmate to me.  He was a playmate and a singer of songs.  We sang some of his favorite playful songs (“Mandalay,” “The Casket Song,” and “Downtown”).  He was a spiritual guide, teaching us to dialogue directly with God.  The back of his program quoted him: “What matters most is not whether God loves us, but that God is the source of love that flows through us to others.”  He was the Great Empowerer, teaching us to throw rocks at the waves until the fear went away.  He was the Great Liberator–the Voice of Freedom, giving us the skills for getting free from our Inner Critic.  He was love, the most empathic man I’ve ever known.  He was a man of great virility.  He has inseminated me with himself.  He is with us still.

Quiz Question:  Have I ever felt taken advantage of?  If you answered “Yes,”  we have help for you.  We’re drawing here from p. 102 of our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic (James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott).  “You may give more than you want to give, and your own needs may go unmet.  You feel used and taken advantage of.  You’ll have plenty of resentment and anger, because you know deep down that you must really be defective if you have to give so many things just to get someone to like you and stay with you.”  Of course, you suppress the anger because your Inner Critic tells you it would surely drive the other person away.  Now, there’s the heart of the problem.  It’s your Inner Critic driving all this.  The good news is, we’ve just exposed your Inner Critic’s hidden role in your allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.  You can get free.  Label it first.  “That’s my Inner Critic telling me I have to say yes, to give more than I really want to.”  Then get released, using one of our powerful challenging statements to the Inner Critic.  We love it when people get free.  You will too.

Here’s a self-test for you.  Do you ever say:  1.  “You painted me into a corner.”  2.  “You put me on the spot.”  3.  “I feel like I’m being punished.”  4.  “You’re not letting me be me.”  5.  “You’re making me into the bad guy!”  If you said “Yes” to any or all of these,  realize that you’ve been feeling like a victim.  More important, each is a clue to your own power giveaway.  We want to help you get free.  The secret is that your own shoulds (not the other person’s “power”) are keeping you in the victim position.  The way out?  Take back your power by challenging  each should contained in the statement you’ve said.  For example, “You painted me into a corner” contains the should, “You should stay where someone wants you to be.”  The challenge is, “I have the right to go anywhere I please.  I have the right to get out of any corner any time I wish.”  Truth is, you are a free spirit.  Claim it today!  (For more on getting free from power giveaways, read page 124 in Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott.)

Judgmentalism.  Defensiveness.  Withdrawal.  All examples of negativity.  We know the toll it takes on your dream for a fulfilling relationship.  We want to offer you hope–and skills for breaking this pattern.  In Anthetic Relationship Therapy, we teach Clue Work: using surface clues such as your negative responses as doors opening into the deeper mechanisms that drive negative behavior.  Once you identify the clues, you can dismantle the mechanisms and put them out of play.  We’re not talking about willpower.  Nor trying to shape yourself cosmetically into looking good in others’ eyes.  We’re talking about accepting yourself fully.  We call it becoming an Anthetic free spirit.  We’ve layed it all out for you in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic*.  As you practice the skills contained in it, you’ll find that in getting free from self-constrictedness, you’ll be in shape for emotional closeness.  And for the relationship of your dreams.

*Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott, Ph.D., with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., is available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Your brain is on a short fuse to make you feel bad!  So explains Rick Hanson, Ph.D., neuropsychologist and author of Buddha’s Brain.  He says that in our attempt to survive, we humans evolved to give preferential treatment to fear and anxiety.  So, even though we no longer have tigers to steer clear of, our brains still are hypervigilant for danger, even when none exists.  He calls it a neurobiological bias toward negativity (http://www.rickhanson.net/your-wise-brain/how-your-brain-makes-you-easily-intimidated).  Given that we’re wired toward feeling bad, what can we do?  Here’s how, in Anthetic Therapy, we defuse it.  Dr. James Elliott found that when his clients gave that negativity a name, they became empowered to see it more clearly.  He (and they) liked the term Inner Critic.  As he worked with his growth groups and therapy clients, he discovered that the Inner Critic functions by imposing shoulds backed by emotional punishment if not obeyed.  Hence, the person suffered from low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other problems.  The good news is he also discovered that a simple set of techniques could set people free from the power of the Inner Critic.  He taught them to make releasing statements that helped them buy out of believing the Inner Critic.  (For more on defusing your Inner Critic’s power, read Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott.)  So, take heart, your biology is not your destiny.

Want to have more energy?  We’re not going to suggest caffeine or exercise.  The secret is in your mind.  You just need to get free from your Inner Critic.  That’s the part of you that saps you of all your Natural Self energy.  Start identifying your Inner Critic shoulds, then do a releasing statement* for each one.  You will liberate the incredible energy within you.  You’ll experience your own aliveness.  We’re backing you all the way.*

For more on how to get free, read Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott, Ph.D., & Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D.  It’s available here on our website and at amazon.com.  It’s packed with releasing statements to equip you to get free.

Want to be happy?  You need to know that your Inner Critic doesn’t want you to be happy.  It wants you to be safe.  Safe from what it sees as dangers of your becoming free.  And it’s willing to constrict your life in order to keep you safe.  That is, what it thinks of as “safe.”  That Inner Critic-created safety comes at a price.  It will tell you to hold back; don’t take risks; don’t put yourself out there in the world.  Once you know this, you can make a choice:  Do I want to be safe, or do I want to be happy?  If you choose “happy,” you’ll be choosing to make those connections your Natural Self wants.  You’ll follow your sparks.  We want you to be happy.*

For more on how to be happy and free from your Inner Critic, see Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  You can get it here on our Products page and at www.amazon.com.

Want more closeness?  There’s one word that will go a long way to producing it.  That word is–”Yes!”  In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve discovered that saying “Yes” to easy-to-do requests is an important ingredient in closeness.  Why?  Because you’ll not only be making your partner happy by fulfilling their desires, you’ll be living from a caring part of yourself.  That’s a part who can empathize with your partner’s pleasure.  Now, to say Yes, you’re going to need to be free.  That is, free from psychological blocks such as self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.  In short, you’ll need to get free from your Inner Critic’s condemnation of your surrendering to love.*  So, today, listen to your partner’s requests.  Then, try saying, “Yes!”  Closeness will be your reward.

*For more on getting free from blocks to closeness, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

Christmas Ghosts.  We’re talking about the old feelings of defectiveness and inferiority that get triggered when you’re around family and old friends for the holidays.  One that’s on our minds today:  “I have to prove to them I’m good.”  Variations on this theme:  “I have to prove I’m not inferior.”  “I have to show them what I’ve made of myself so they’ll respect me.”  We want to assure you this is just Inner Critic stuff.  Whether or not those folks are being judgmental toward you, it’s your Inner Critic that’s delivering the emotional pain you feel around them.  Feeling flawed and less-than come straight from that inner torturer.  Now that we’ve given you the label for those feelings, apply it.  Everytime you feel the chill of those old ghosts, say, “That’s just my Inner Critic.  I have the right not to prove anything to anybody.  My worth is a given; not an item to be proved.”  We wish you free and happy holidays!

“Oh, I just couldn’t bring myself to do that.”  That’s called reluctance.  We want to decode your feelings of reluctance for you.  When there’s something you’d like to do; for example, make a request of an “important” person, but feel you couldn’t do it, that’s almost certainly your Inner Critic putting the other person on a pedestal and taking away your rights.*  Now that you know, you can get free.  Take back your rights.  “I have the right to ask this thing, do this thing, even with this “important” person.”  Today, go forth free and in your power.

*From p. 128, Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here (click on Products) and at amazon.com.