Soulmate Skills

Want to have more energy?  We’re not going to suggest caffeine or exercise.  The secret is in your mind.  You just need to get free from your Inner Critic.  That’s the part of you that saps you of all your Natural Self energy.  Start identifying your Inner Critic shoulds, then do a releasing statement* for each one.  You will liberate the incredible energy within you.  You’ll experience your own aliveness.  We’re backing you all the way.*

For more on how to get free, read Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott, Ph.D., & Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D.  It’s available here on our website and at amazon.com.  It’s packed with releasing statements to equip you to get free.

Want to be happy?  You need to know that your Inner Critic doesn’t want you to be happy.  It wants you to be safe.  Safe from what it sees as dangers of your becoming free.  And it’s willing to constrict your life in order to keep you safe.  That is, what it thinks of as “safe.”  That Inner Critic-created safety comes at a price.  It will tell you to hold back; don’t take risks; don’t put yourself out there in the world.  Once you know this, you can make a choice:  Do I want to be safe, or do I want to be happy?  If you choose “happy,” you’ll be choosing to make those connections your Natural Self wants.  You’ll follow your sparks.  We want you to be happy.*

For more on how to be happy and free from your Inner Critic, see Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  You can get it here on our Products page and at www.amazon.com.

Do you have a decision to make?  Maybe about a life partner, a job, or some other action to take.  Here’s a tip to help you make a good decision:  Be systematic.  Not impulsive.  Do research–pros and cons.  Analyze consequences.  Don’t decide when you’re angry or fearful.  Make a list of your ideal for this situation.  Check how well this decision matches your ideal.  The closer the match, the more likely you’ll be satisfied with the outcome.  Oh, and one more thing.  Once you’ve systematically made your decision, be at peace.  You can always edit.  By that we mean, most decisions can be corrected.  For any that can’t, you can merely get free from any Inner Critic put-downs about yourself.  Everything’s going to be okay.

Do you say, “It’s just natural to be angry”?  Or “Who wouldn’t feel bad in those circumstances”? Or even, “It’s normal to want your own space a lot”?  That’s conventional wisdom about emotional pain.  But that’s not what we say in Anthetic Psychology.  Sure, such feelings are common to us as humans.  But they’re not something we just have to live with; nor just wait until they pass.  Such feelings as anger, an impulse to distance, and other painful feelings are clues to a reactive structure driving those bad feelings.  Most often, your Inner Critic is pouncing.  Then too other inner figures are involved, such as a disempowered figure or an entitled figure.  That’s what our counseling work addresses.  That’s what our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, empowers you to get free from.  You never again have to buy the explanation that your upset feelings are just natural.

Want more closeness?  There’s one word that will go a long way to producing it.  That word is–”Yes!”  In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve discovered that saying “Yes” to easy-to-do requests is an important ingredient in closeness.  Why?  Because you’ll not only be making your partner happy by fulfilling their desires, you’ll be living from a caring part of yourself.  That’s a part who can empathize with your partner’s pleasure.  Now, to say Yes, you’re going to need to be free.  That is, free from psychological blocks such as self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.  In short, you’ll need to get free from your Inner Critic’s condemnation of your surrendering to love.*  So, today, listen to your partner’s requests.  Then, try saying, “Yes!”  Closeness will be your reward.

*For more on getting free from blocks to closeness, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

“Are you going to put that much salt in the stew?”  Jim asked me.  I puffed up defensively.  “I’ve been cooking this dish for years!  I’ve always put this much salt.”  I was proud of being a good cook.  So, I was ready for an argument when Jim asked his question.  I know I’m not alone in this.  There’s also, “I’m proud of my ability to make money;” “I’m proud of how I keep house;” even “I’m proud of being a caring person.”  While pride may seem like a worthy goal, it can also have some drawbacks.  Because pride is a buffer.  Something that props up our self-esteem.  We rely on it to keep our Inner Critic at bay.  And there’s the problem.  We’ll defend the object of our pride to the death.  If we didn’t have that buffer, we’d feel all the pain the Inner Critic can inflict:  “You’re imperfect.”  “You’re defective.”  In fact, “You’re inferior.”  That’s why we’ll argue about it with out partner.  Want to nip that argument in the bud?  1) Recognize that your defensiveness is a clue that this item is not just something you like about yourself.  It’s a buffer.  2) See that there’s an Inner Critic should attached to it.  For example, “I should be a perfect cook.”  3) Get free from obeying the should.  Say to your Inner Critic, “I have the right to be an imperfect cook.  In fact, a bad cook!”  Do these things, and peace will reign in your house.  Not only that, you might learn a thing or two from your partner.

This day honors Martin Luther King, Jr., prophet and champion of a dream.  He dreamed of a society where people love each other and care for each other–no exclusions.  In Anthetic Psychology, we too have a dream.  We dream of a society where people are equipped with the concepts and skills it takes to dismantle judgmentalism, anger, and vengefulness.  And we are offering those skills for achieving that dream.  In our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic* (James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott), we lay out step-by-step how to do just that.  As we say in our book, once judgmentalism, anger, and vengefulness are processed, “love is liberated; once love is liberated, caring can occur; once love-based caring occurs, people can live in loving harmony with each other.”  Won’t you join us?  We can make this dream come true. 

*Disarming Your Inner Critic (Anthetics Institute Press) is available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

If you’ve read Our Story-Part 9 (click on the Our Story tab above), you’ll know that today was the day 22 years ago that I made that outrageous request of Jim.  After only six days of knowing him, I asked him to inseminate me!  I explained that I was asking for him to imbue with his presence, his strength; with a belief in myself.  From that first sight of him, I had seen his personal power, and I wanted that essence of who he was inside me.  Not surprisingly, after I dared to speak it, my Inner Critic pounced.  I told Jim, “I’m afraid you’ll see my request as a physical come-on.  My Inner Critic says it’s phony; it’s just sex I’m wanting.”  In response, Jim taught me an important perspective:  “But even if physical sex were to be involved, it would be symbolic of deeper insemination.”  You know, Jim was right.  At its best, sex is not just a physical act.  It is an expression of the merging of heart, soul, and body of the two lovers.

It’s true.  Three little words can go a long way to saving your relationship.  They are:  “That’s my stuff!”  Which means, “That thing I just said was my emotional baggage.  I take responsibility for it.”   In Anthetic Psychology, we call “stuff” reactivity.  It’s the strategies we created to defend against Inner Critic pain.  And it invariably comes out in relationships.  It shows up as anger, short-temperedness, and all kinds of negativity.  We help couples understand and dismantle this machinery.  Piece by piece.  But in each case, Step 1 is learning to label it and admit it to your partner:  “That’s my stuff.”  Sure they’re just three little words.  But they can stop an argument.

It’s December 22.  They’re reminding us, “Only three more days till Christmas.”  It’s enough to get you feeling frantic.  Have I bought enough?  We want to help you with this.  First, recognize that the holidays offer our Inner Critic a perfect opportunity to impose shoulds on us.  You know those thoughts and feelings that surround Christmas: gift shoulds, relationship shoulds, activity shoulds.  As we say in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, you have to realize the Inner Critic only has power if you believe it.  So our guidance to you this holiday is, Shed the Shoulds!  For starters, take back your rights:  “I have the right not to buy anything else.”  “I have the right not to visit; not to stay longer than I want.”  “I have the right only to do what gives me pleasure.”  There.  You’re on your way to peace.