Soulmate Skills

I’m surveying how I’ve done at High-Voltage relating with Jim over these past 22 years.  I feel like I did in middle school when I was learning to play violin.  Nancy, my best friend, had the gift.  She was always 1st chair violin in orchestra, meaning she was the best.  I was 2nd chair.  I practiced and practiced.   It was hard for me.  For her, it just flowed.  This past week, I told Jim, “It feels like you have been 1st chair High-Voltage Relater.  I have been 2nd chair and have had to struggle and practice and practice.  For you, it just flowed.”  He nodded.  I’m sharing this because I know for some of you being close comes easy; for others of you it’s hard.  We want to encourage you.  Whether easy or hard, relating to each other with honesty, forthcomingness, and openness is worth it.  I don’t mind being 2nd chair.  Jim is always next to me.

This is a very special anniversary for us.  It was 22 years ago today that Jim and I consummated our sexual relationship.  As we read Jim’s letter of the week before, we realized it contained the elements we want to recommend to you.  Here’s what he wrote:  “Now, about sex.  We absolutely do not have to have intercourse when we are together in New York.  Or ever.  There must be no pressure driving what we do.  If we do not have sex, I will not abandon you.  And if we ever do have sex, I want you to know that it will be a sacrament for me.  A holy event charged with meaning.  Sigh!”  To highlight what he was saying: 1)  He wanted us to freely choose to be sexual or not.  Not goaded by Inner Critic fears or shoulds.  2) If we did have sex, his attitude was one of awe.   He would hold it as holy; a sacred event.  So, today, as we celebrate this special anniversary, we offer you those two principles.  They will help you distinguish soulmate sex.

Want to have a relationship in which you trust each other?  Or want to restore trust that’s been lost?  There’s one secret ingredient that will do it:  honesty.  We mean tell your partner about your feelings; likes and dislikes.  Also, tell them what you’ve been thinking and doing.  We know this is counter to conventional wisdom that says, “Don’t upset your partner by telling the truth.”  From our years of counseling couples, we know that this strategy will get you one thing:  distance.  Not trust.  And definitely not closeness.  We also know what holds people back from honesty.  It’s thinking, “If I were honest, it would hurt my partner’s feelings.  It might make my partner angry.  My partner might throw it in my face later.  We’d just have a fight.”  It all comes down to this.  You have to decide on a basic value:  Do I want a High-Voltage Relationship or a Low-Voltage Relationship?  Do I want closeness or distance?  Choosing honesty and a high-voltage relationship might come with repercussions.  It’s a risk.  But the alternative is distrust and distance.  Besides, the repercussions can be processed.  So, our advice to you today:  Choose honesty, and let the chips fall where they may.

Want to know the secret to creating security in relationships?  I named it in my 1989 card to Jim:  “This morning I’m meditating on your devoted availability to me.”  How did Jim do it?  “You arrange your schedule to receive my calls (and you never ever act sacrificial about it), and you leave your phone on all night when you know I might need you.  I know absolutely that I can call you anytime, and your voice, when it hears mine on the other end, will turn all warm and delighted and say, ‘Aw, Kathy.’”  So, if you want to create security, or if you’re trying to assess whether a person will provide you with that security, observe whether they are there for you.  As I told Jim, “To be assured of a loving welcome is a wonderful thing.”

“Numnutz!” “Old Fart!” If you’ve gotten into a pattern of calling your partner such names, that’s a clue that you’ve got some unprocessed anger toward your partner.  What’s more, it’s turned into an attitude of disrespect.  That’s not funny.  It’s corrosive.  We’re not going to tell you to just stop it.  That’s not enough.  You need to analyze the anger that’s driving it.  For example, “Have I been silencing my voice about my needs?”  “Have I translated my anger into neutral requests of my partner?” There are others, of course, but this will get you started.  We want you to be free of anger, at peace, and happy.  Most important, we want you to have closeness.  So, today, start with No Name Calling!

Want more closeness?  There’s one word that will go a long way to producing it.  That word is–”Yes!”  In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve discovered that saying “Yes” to easy-to-do requests is an important ingredient in closeness.  Why?  Because you’ll not only be making your partner happy by fulfilling their desires, you’ll be living from a caring part of yourself.  That’s a part who can empathize with your partner’s pleasure.  Now, to say Yes, you’re going to need to be free.  That is, free from psychological blocks such as self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.  In short, you’ll need to get free from your Inner Critic’s condemnation of your surrendering to love.*  So, today, listen to your partner’s requests.  Then, try saying, “Yes!”  Closeness will be your reward.

*For more on getting free from blocks to closeness, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

There’s no getting around it.  Conflict is going to happen in your relationship.  So, how do you cope?  Low-Voltage partners usually rely on one of three options: fighting, submitting, or distancing.  They have to avoid closeness, because they lack skills.  If they get too close, they often end up in a bitter argument.  That’s a combat relationship–one where verbal attacks have become accepted as normal.  High-Voltage couples, on the other hand, have learned skills for successfully resolving conflict.  That creates a safe haven.  Safe enough to talk about anything, especially feelings.  How can you tell if you’re creating a safe haven?  You’ll enjoy emotional closeness, soft-heartedness, and love.  It all comes down to a basic values choice: Do you choose a safe haven or a combat zone?

Permeable.  It means literally “having pores or openings that liquids or gases can pass through” (Webster’s Dictionary).  It’s a good word to describe the quality needed to have a high-voltage soulmate relationship.  Being open to each other.  Letting in concepts, feelings, and of course, love.  I wrote Jim in my love letter two weeks after we met, “Your permeability idea is beautiful.  Yes, we are permeable to each other.  Yes, it is a joy.”  To be permeable, you’ll need to assess that your partner relates to you in an accepting, non-judgmental, loving, caring way.  Once you see that they are those things, you can open yourself.  It will be bliss.

“I want to take you somewhere to show you something I think you’ll really like.”  That was Jim to me 22 years ago today.  We’d only met six days before.  He drove a few blocks and parked the car at a building as yet a mystery to me.  As we walked from the car to that building, I could begin to see what was inside.  It was a carousel!  The Monterey carousel.  Oh, my!  This man truly was seeing that inner child that longed for a man to see her; to play with her; to love her.  Though the carousel wasn’t running that night, we took pleasure in walking around, looking at all the fanciful horses.  It was magical.  Here are the high-voltage soulmate elements of what Jim did:  1)  He saw me.  Took in that I had revealed to him that I had a child part who loved things like stuffed animals.  He extrapolated that I’d also love a carousel.  In other words, he beheld me.  2) He took time to think of something that would thrill that inner child in me.  3)  He initiated taking me there.  4)  He played with me.  You can learn from Jim.  Follow his lead.  Behold the child in your partner.  Think of what you could do that would please that child.  Then play together.  It will be a heart-touching experience.

Since his stroke disabled the left side of his body, Jim’s right arm has been doing all the loving.  When I first greet him in the morning, I say, “You’re my James.  I’m your Kathryn.  And I love you with all my heart.”  He reaches for me with his right arm and holds me tight and pats and pats and pats me.  I love it.  Yesterday, when he woke up, Jim said to me, “I like pats too!”  So, as we sat together last night, I patted and patted and patted him.  He loved it.  Our point is what you give your partner in the way of affection and love may very likely be what you would love to receive.  You just need to do like Jim did:  Tell your partner.  That’s the thing that makes a high-voltage relationship so satisfying.  You think it.  You feel it.  You voice it.