Soulmate Skills

“We say, ‘I’m sorry,’” she told me.  “But it’s getting old.  Because nothing changes.  We just hurt each other again.  So my question is, what do you say after you say, ‘I’m sorry’?”  I loved her question and felt her pain.  No one taught us how to do relationships.  And often our models (e.g., our parents and other relatives) had no clue how to relate intimately either.  So, I’m reaching into Jim’s and my treasure trove of things we learned for crafting intimate relationships and answering her question.   It was featured in my KLFY TV 10 Sunday morning segment of Passe Partout, “Dr. Kathryn Elliott: On Relationships.”  In case you missed the answer this morning, here is the heart of it. Say 5 words, “That was just my stuff.” Then bottom line it: “Bottom line is I love you and I think you’re a good person.” Say these simple words, and you’ll be on your way to reconnection and closeness.

She walked across the campus greeting each person with a smile and a bright “Good Morning!”  With only one exception she received a grunt, “Uh,” in reply!  To the one person who returned her smile and greeting, she said, “How are you?”  He said, “Blessed!”  She agreed with him, “Me too!”  The lesson I see for us is not that we have to always be smiling.  It’s that we have a choice to be happy.  We can exercise that choice by connecting with each other.  We can recognize that we are blessed in this amazing way:  love is always ready to flow through us to others.  Today, try greeting each person you meet.  Let love flow through you.  Have a blessed day.

“Stay near me.  Speak my name.”  Those lines are from the poem, “Midcentury Love Letter;” very special to us.  That second sentence is what we want to point out to you today.  Specifically, that there is power in speaking your partner’s name.  Business people know this principle.  We all love to hear our name.  Now here’s a variation on that for lovers.  Get in touch with your adoration of your beloved, and then whisper–yes, whisper their name in their ear–four times.  It’s magical.  Here’s how I wrote in in my letter to Jim a month before our marriage:  “Oh, Jim, I hold you in my arms and hear you lose yourself in a litany of whispered ‘Kathys.’”  It was profound.   If you try this, you’ll experience the deepest power of speaking their name.

You long for closeness.  But it often eludes you.  And with the very people you love and value.  We want to offer you the key.  And it’s something you can do today.  It has to do with coping with other people’s intense feelings.  Because when you start to get close, those feelings will come up.  You’ll be tempted to make their feelings go away.  Whoa!  That’s not it.  Here it is:  Listen to their feelings.  Because closeness comes when you are able to let the other person’s feelings be what they are and just listen.  Try it today.  We’re with you.*

*This wisdom is from James Elliott’s book Disarming Your Inner Critic.  There’s much more where that came from.  Buy it here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

You know you’ve done it a million times.  You liked something your partner did–but never said a word.  Here’s your tip for today:  If your partner is doing something you like, it’s absolutely essential for closeness that you say it to them.  Here’s what Jim told me in his 1989 letter:  “I like it when I give you some feedback (e.g., ‘I like such-and-such that you said’) and you say, “That’s important for me to hear.”  Please do as much of this as you possiby can.”  So, I have.  And it’s a tried and true formula.  Like It?  Say It!  You’re gonna get bliss!

Brad said:  “You’re my once in a lifetime.”  He cried, got down on one knee.  Emily was moved, as were we.  She said, “Yes!” Even the pundits said it was one of the most romantic moments in “The Bachelor”’s history.  Now, we hear that they are struggling: she with jealousy of his connections with other women during the show’s filming; he with volatile feelings.  What’s going on here?  It’s stuff.  The two lovers’ emotional baggage is getting triggered.  It would be easy for us to be cynical and say, “Of course, romance doesn’t last.”  That’s not our message.  We know that romance; in fact, honeymoon fairy-tale romance can last a lifetime.  It’s going to take skills.  Very specific skills.  High-voltage relationship skills that we teach.  They equip partners with the concepts, values, and skills to confront the stuff in themselves and in the relationship.  Once confronted, we help couples get free from what’s driving it.  It’s going to be their Inner Critic; hurt inner figures; early faulty learning; and perhaps more.  So, watchers, take heart.  Love; in fact, fairy tale love can last.  And Brad and Emily, call us.   We’re at (337) 234-8221.

“He hates it when I’m depressed.  He doesn’t know what to do.”  Said by one of my recent female counseling clients.  But I’ve heard it from many.  So, men, here’s some help for you in handling your woman when she’s down.  First, what not to do:  Don’t withdraw.  Don’t say, “Snap out of it.”  Instead, ask her, “Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”  Then, just listen.  Next, ask her, “Is there anything you’d like from me?”  Finally, take her in your arms, and tell her, “I’m here for you.  I love you.  Everything’s going to be alright.”  There.  Now, you’re equipped.

Want to have a relationship in which you trust each other?  Or want to restore trust that’s been lost?  There’s one secret ingredient that will do it:  honesty.  We mean tell your partner about your feelings; likes and dislikes.  Also, tell them what you’ve been thinking and doing.  We know this is counter to conventional wisdom that says, “Don’t upset your partner by telling the truth.”  From our years of counseling couples, we know that this strategy will get you one thing:  distance.  Not trust.  And definitely not closeness.  We also know what holds people back from honesty.  It’s thinking, “If I were honest, it would hurt my partner’s feelings.  It might make my partner angry.  My partner might throw it in my face later.  We’d just have a fight.”  It all comes down to this.  You have to decide on a basic value:  Do I want a High-Voltage Relationship or a Low-Voltage Relationship?  Do I want closeness or distance?  Choosing honesty and a high-voltage relationship might come with repercussions.  It’s a risk.  But the alternative is distrust and distance.  Besides, the repercussions can be processed.  So, our advice to you today:  Choose honesty, and let the chips fall where they may.

Want to deepen your connection with each other?  Try your power to fantasize.  Here’s an example from Jim and me.  In 1989, during our six months spent 2,000 miles apart, Jim wrote me of his hot fever of longing for me.  I wrote back:  “There is a peaceful oasis in me–the lush grove deep inside me welcomes you.  And there is a little waterfall with cool green fresh water bubbling.  Here, my love, take a drink.  And there is a carpet of soft green grass prepared just for you.  Lie here, and I will lie beside you.  Feel yourself calm.”  You can do this for each other.  Hear the other’s distress.  Let a helpful image come to you.  Speak it, filling in the details.  You’ve got fantasy power.  It will bless your partner.  And deepen your connection.

Women, here’s an ALERT for you:  Beware of Your Judgmentalism Toward Men!  It can be subtle or blatant.  A curl of the lip (that’s contempt).  A little verbal jab (that’s revenge).  It’s our attempt to feel one-up to men.  Problem is it comes at a high price–pain in the men we love; a hardening of our own hearts.  Truth is, we don’t need to bolster our self-esteem by putting men down.  Our worth is a given.  Let’s choose empathy over negativity.  Our men will be relieved; we will be blessed.