Soulmate Skills

“We say, ‘I’m sorry,’” she told me.  “But it’s getting old.  Because nothing changes.  We just hurt each other again.  So my question is, what do you say after you say, ‘I’m sorry’?”  I loved her question and felt her pain.  No one taught us how to do relationships.  And often our models (e.g., our parents and other relatives) had no clue how to relate intimately either.  So, I’m reaching into Jim’s and my treasure trove of things we learned for crafting intimate relationships and answering her question.   It was featured in my KLFY TV 10 Sunday morning segment of Passe Partout, “Dr. Kathryn Elliott: On Relationships.”  In case you missed the answer this morning, here is the heart of it. Say 5 words, “That was just my stuff.” Then bottom line it: “Bottom line is I love you and I think you’re a good person.” Say these simple words, and you’ll be on your way to reconnection and closeness.

“Stay near me.  Speak my name.”  Those lines are from the poem, “Midcentury Love Letter;” very special to us.  That second sentence is what we want to point out to you today.  Specifically, that there is power in speaking your partner’s name.  Business people know this principle.  We all love to hear our name.  Now here’s a variation on that for lovers.  Get in touch with your adoration of your beloved, and then whisper–yes, whisper their name in their ear–four times.  It’s magical.  Here’s how I wrote in in my letter to Jim a month before our marriage:  “Oh, Jim, I hold you in my arms and hear you lose yourself in a litany of whispered ‘Kathys.’”  It was profound.   If you try this, you’ll experience the deepest power of speaking their name.

You long for closeness.  But it often eludes you.  And with the very people you love and value.  We want to offer you the key.  And it’s something you can do today.  It has to do with coping with other people’s intense feelings.  Because when you start to get close, those feelings will come up.  You’ll be tempted to make their feelings go away.  Whoa!  That’s not it.  Here it is:  Listen to their feelings.  Because closeness comes when you are able to let the other person’s feelings be what they are and just listen.  Try it today.  We’re with you.*

*This wisdom is from James Elliott’s book Disarming Your Inner Critic.  There’s much more where that came from.  Buy it here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

You know you’ve done it a million times.  You liked something your partner did–but never said a word.  Here’s your tip for today:  If your partner is doing something you like, it’s absolutely essential for closeness that you say it to them.  Here’s what Jim told me in his 1989 letter:  “I like it when I give you some feedback (e.g., ‘I like such-and-such that you said’) and you say, “That’s important for me to hear.”  Please do as much of this as you possiby can.”  So, I have.  And it’s a tried and true formula.  Like It?  Say It!  You’re gonna get bliss!

I’m surveying how I’ve done at High-Voltage relating with Jim over these past 22 years.  I feel like I did in middle school when I was learning to play violin.  Nancy, my best friend, had the gift.  She was always 1st chair violin in orchestra, meaning she was the best.  I was 2nd chair.  I practiced and practiced.   It was hard for me.  For her, it just flowed.  This past week, I told Jim, “It feels like you have been 1st chair High-Voltage Relater.  I have been 2nd chair and have had to struggle and practice and practice.  For you, it just flowed.”  He nodded.  I’m sharing this because I know for some of you being close comes easy; for others of you it’s hard.  We want to encourage you.  Whether easy or hard, relating to each other with honesty, forthcomingness, and openness is worth it.  I don’t mind being 2nd chair.  Jim is always next to me.

Want to know how to bring mega-intensity back to your love life?  Here’s a peek into how Jim and I infused ours from day one.   It’s from our love letters.  Jim to Kathy:  “I have surveyed your mind, your body, and your spirit.  And I pronounce all I see exquisitely good.  Just the way a woman ought to be.”  Kathy to Jim:  “You are my man.  And you are man enough for me.”  What’s going on here?  We are beholding each other; affirming what we see; the emotional and sexual power that followed was intense.  You can have this too.  Survey your partner; affirm to them what you see.  Then, watch.  Kapow!  Your love life will explode in sparks of joy and pleasure.

“We have so little time together.  It’s hard to connect.”  That’s the challenge that so often faces the couples we see in our counseling practice.  Here’s what we say:  You can take those few minutes you do have and turn them into a deep connection that sustains you all day.  It takes two steps:  One, avoid using that time to talk about items external to your relationship, such as the news, the neighbors, the chores.  Two, use that time to talk about what you mean to each other.  Jim and I had to put this to the test during the first six months of our relationship.  It was 1989; we were 2,000 miles apart–no internet; just phone and letters.  So, we would dive in to talking about what we meant to each other.  For example, Jim wrote, “When I look in my post office box and there is a letter from you, I begin to feel a glow that starts in my chest and spreads throughout my body, and I sit out on the ledge in front of the library near the steps and read it, and the whole world of Berkeley falls away, and I am intensely with you for a few minutes as you speak to me through your letter, and I have a vivid sense of your sweet presence.”  You can use Jim’s words as a guide.  Say to your partner, “When I look at you (getting the kids ready, waking up beside me, feeding the dog), I begin to feel (warm, loving, proud, in awe), and I fall in love with you all over again.”  Your partner will feel as I felt when I read Jim’s words:  warmed, loved, cherished.  Those few minutes shared with him, and I walked on a cloud.  You will too.

Odd as it may sound, to have closeness in your relationship, you have to be a researcher.  Now, don’t panic.  You won’t need to know statistics, you’ll just need a few simple skills.  You’ll need to employ these skills whenever your partner gives you feedback.  For example, Jim told me, “You seem touchy.”  Now, my impulse was to automatically deny it with, “No, I’m not touchy!”  But, Jim taught me to say, “Can you tell me more about that?”  And even to say, “Can you say what I’m doing that leads you to say that?”  Once you learn to respond to feedback in this way, you’ll reap three dividends:  One, you’ll have a chance to learn about yourself.  Two, you’ll have the opportunity for elements in your personality to emerge and be accepted by you.  And three, using Anthetic releasing statements (see our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic), you’ll get free from some self-condemnation and constrictedness.  Oh, and as an added dividend, you’ll get closeness with your partner.  So, be a Researcher!

If you’ve read Our Story-Part 9 (click on the Our Story tab above), you’ll know that today was the day 22 years ago that I made that outrageous request of Jim.  After only six days of knowing him, I asked him to inseminate me!  I explained that I was asking for him to imbue with his presence, his strength; with a belief in myself.  From that first sight of him, I had seen his personal power, and I wanted that essence of who he was inside me.  Not surprisingly, after I dared to speak it, my Inner Critic pounced.  I told Jim, “I’m afraid you’ll see my request as a physical come-on.  My Inner Critic says it’s phony; it’s just sex I’m wanting.”  In response, Jim taught me an important perspective:  “But even if physical sex were to be involved, it would be symbolic of deeper insemination.”  You know, Jim was right.  At its best, sex is not just a physical act.  It is an expression of the merging of heart, soul, and body of the two lovers.

“I don’t like to talk about feelings.”  This statement is not what it appears–a simple statement of dislike.  You’ll need to decode this one.  It actually is a symptom of thymophobia, which means a fear of feelings.  We all have a certain amount of this problem.  For example, you may find it easy to cry but have trouble expressing anger.  Or you may find it easy to express anger but difficult to express hurt.  In each case, the avoidance of feelings is driven by trying to avoid the Inner Critic induced pain you’d feel if you dared to express that feeling.  Not only does thymophobia block our personal growth, it also blocks closeness.  Because when we can’t confront a feeling, we don’t want to listen when others talk about their feelings.  So, to get free, take back your right to feel everything!  Come alive!*

For more on thymophobia, see page 113 of Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott and Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.