Soulmate Skills

Want to know the secret to creating security in relationships?  I named it in my 1989 card to Jim:  “This morning I’m meditating on your devoted availability to me.”  How did Jim do it?  “You arrange your schedule to receive my calls (and you never ever act sacrificial about it), and you leave your phone on all night when you know I might need you.  I know absolutely that I can call you anytime, and your voice, when it hears mine on the other end, will turn all warm and delighted and say, ‘Aw, Kathy.’”  So, if you want to create security, or if you’re trying to assess whether a person will provide you with that security, observe whether they are there for you.  As I told Jim, “To be assured of a loving welcome is a wonderful thing.”

Do you have a decision to make?  Maybe about a life partner, a job, or some other action to take.  Here’s a tip to help you make a good decision:  Be systematic.  Not impulsive.  Do research–pros and cons.  Analyze consequences.  Don’t decide when you’re angry or fearful.  Make a list of your ideal for this situation.  Check how well this decision matches your ideal.  The closer the match, the more likely you’ll be satisfied with the outcome.  Oh, and one more thing.  Once you’ve systematically made your decision, be at peace.  You can always edit.  By that we mean, most decisions can be corrected.  For any that can’t, you can merely get free from any Inner Critic put-downs about yourself.  Everything’s going to be okay.

“Yes, I am both gentle and strong.  My male strength is here for you when ever you want it.  I will be careful to ensure that your slightest fear, your tiniest qualm will get my full care and attention.  It will be an act of love to do this, a deep pleasure for me.”  Jim’s words to me in his March 1989 letter.  Can you see how I was transported with love and valuing of this man?  He was giving me the two things modern women want:  masuline strength paired with gentleness and sensitivity.  How does a man develop these qualities?  By doing what Jim did:  developing his tolerance for strong emotions in himself and others.  Learning to note them when they bubble up; just observe them, “Oh, there’s some pain.  There’s some sadness.  There’s some anger.  I can just let them be what they are; I don’t have to do anything about them.”  Then learn to take pleasure in caring.  Feel the good feelings that come with connecting with another with love.  Cultivate these, and you will be a man women have to have.

In the last week, we’ve watched the movie Secretariat four times.  Why does it hold such attraction for us?  Because the story of this horse and his determined owner holds archetypal power.  One line from the movie captures it: “Stand up in the world.  Live the way you believe.”  That’s for each of us to do.  In our work in Anthetic Psychology, we call it living fromyour Natural Self.*  That’s the part of you that’s full of aliveness; full of you-ness.  It’s also the part that knows how to live true to who you are.  Your Natural Self knows what will make life fulfilling.  It also knows who will make your relationship life fulfilling.  Our task is as the song in the movie says, “You choose your race, and then you run.”  Secretariat ran his race; he won the final race of the Triple Crown by 31 lengths, a feat that has never been matched.  He’s a model for us.  We just need to live and love true to our Natural Self.  We too will have wings.

*See p. 28 of James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott’s book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Red flags.  They’re behaviors that are early warning signs to relationship trouble on the horizon.  He might be a chronic flirt with other women while you’re dating.  It’s a predictor of infidelity once you’re married.  She might say, “Don’t let me cut and run.”  It’s a clue she’ll be withdrawing and distancing.  He might push you, take your car keys, restrain you.  It’s a good chance he’ll escalate into worse abuse.  We know it’s a temptation in the blush of early love to want to overlook such red flags.  Your black hole that longs for love will want to turn a blind eye to the pain these red flags are already causing you.  We recommend you take executive charge of your black hole.  Be alert.  At the least, the red flag is an indicator you need to request your partner get therapy for these behaviors.  At the most, you need to scratch this person off your list.  Make way for a partner who treats you lovingly and with respect.  If you find this hard to do, we recommend you get counseling to help you break free from your drivenness to put up with pain.  We want you to be free!

Here’s a tip for how to recognize your soulmate:  There’s a realization; in fact, a revelation that will emerge in your mind.  You’ll marvel, “I have never loved like this before.”  I know Jim and I each wrote those words to each other during the first six months of our relationship.  Oh, you may have loved before; even deeply.  But the love you feel for your soulmate is deeper yet.  It’s at the soul level, deeper than you’ve ever been.  It will have an element of surprise and even awe for you.  It must be mutual, of course, for the relationship to develop.  And, you’ll need skills–like the ones we teach.  With such soulmate love and the skills for creating closeness, you’ll be well on your way to ecstasy.

Permeable.  It means literally “having pores or openings that liquids or gases can pass through” (Webster’s Dictionary).  It’s a good word to describe the quality needed to have a high-voltage soulmate relationship.  Being open to each other.  Letting in concepts, feelings, and of course, love.  I wrote Jim in my love letter two weeks after we met, “Your permeability idea is beautiful.  Yes, we are permeable to each other.  Yes, it is a joy.”  To be permeable, you’ll need to assess that your partner relates to you in an accepting, non-judgmental, loving, caring way.  Once you see that they are those things, you can open yourself.  It will be bliss.

Did you know you are a sculptor for your partner?  According to the late relationship researcher Caryl Rusbult, if all goes well, partners sculpt each other to help them become the person each aspires to be; in fact, the ideal that each desires for himself or herself.  I loved reading this research, because it gave me a name for what I asked Jim to do for me when we first met.  In fact, after only five days of knowing him, I asked him to inseminate me!  I said, “I have a request that you inseminate me with your strength, with a belief in myself.”  And he began that process that very evening.  He has continued it over our entire marriage, teaching me the skills for becoming strong; for becoming the person I ideally wanted to be.  He’s affirmed the strength in me.  So, now I say, “Jim, you are my Michelango.  You have sculpted me and brought out the best in me that I aspired to 22 years ago.”  We share this with you so that you, soulmate questers, may assess any potential partner:  “Do they affirm me and help me become, not what others think I should be; not what they think I should be; but what I would love to be?”  If you’re already in a relationship, you can help your partner in this unique way:  Hear their heart’s desire for what they long to become.  Then affirm and support them in doing just that.  Rusbult says here’s the true test:  If your partner is being your Michelango, you will feel exhilarated.  I can attest to that!

They’re cool.  They’re distant.  You feel a rush of attraction.  You misconstrue their coolness as a sign of strength.  And you’re looking for that in a partner.  But, wait!  At some deeper level, beneath your consciousness, there’s machinery clanking away.  It’s Inner Critic-driven machinery that whispers in your ear, “This cool person is valuable–superior to you.  If you catch them, it proves you’re worth something.”  On top of that, your Black Hole that longs for the love of a distant person (like Mom was, or maybe Dad), nudges you with, “Maybe you can convert them into a warm, loving person.”  We’re here to tell you:  This is a losing game.  Conversions of this sort rarely occur.  When they do, it’s because the person does in-depth work on getting free from the armoring that creates that cool, distant exterior.  So, don’t trust that attraction you’re feeling.  Go for the warm, welcoming person in your world.  It will save you loads of pain.

Here’s one more way to assess whether this person is your soulmate:  Does he or she address your fears head-on?  With powerful reassurance?  That’s important.  You’re going to need to talk about your concerns and insecurities.  In response, you need someone who can confront those feelings with soothing words.  Take Jim as your model.  During our 6-month long-distance relationship, he wrote me:  “I want to address two issues (plunging right in), dear one.  ‘Will he go away because I’m far away?’  and ‘Will he go away because I’m not sexually consummating the relationship?’”  He typed his answer in all caps:  “I WILL NOT GO AWAY BECAUSE YOU ARE GEOGRAPHICALLY DISTANT.  I WILL NOT ABANDON YOU BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.  Period.  You may wonder about this now, but you will come to trust it in time.”  As you analyze what he did, you’ll find guidance for recognizing your soulmate:  They’ll bring up the topic of your fears.  They’ll be specific about what they see in you.  Finally, they’ll offer unequivocal reassurance.  Now, you’re equipped for your soulmate quest.