Soulmate Skills

It was the premier psychological conference.  We had prepared to present our new work there.  As people began filing in to view our work and ask about it, I looked around for Jim.  Why, he was standing back, away from our display.  And he was beaming at me!  He was letting me have the glory!  At another presentation, I introduced Jim.  I spoke with pride of his genius; his founding of Anthetic Psychology, this new field that would at last set people free.  I wanted them to see him as I saw him.  I wanted him to have the glory.  That’s how it is with soulmates.  You revere each other.  You want others to know what you know about your beloved.  You want them to see what you see.

I went through a surgery recently.  It’s not an easy thing to face.  In fact, it’s one of those times when life presents us with a chill.  But at every step, I was enfolded in love and kindness.  In pre-op, they had warm blankets waiting on the foot of my bed.  In surgery, as I transferred to the surgical table, more warm blankets comforted my back.  Most important, I was wrapped in the love of friends, family, and underneath it all, Jim.  I like the way he wrote about this in 1989:  “I am wrapped in your love.  Surrounded and supported by your total acceptance of me.  Your love keeps me warm.  It embraces me, holds me close, warms my soul.  So even though you are miles away, I am comforted.  Your steadfast affection and loyalty hover over me, protect me, give me affirmation.”    If you’re in an intimate relationship, enfold each other.  If you’re soulmate questing, search for the one whose accepting, steadfast love keeps you warm.

“He hates it when I’m depressed.  He doesn’t know what to do.”  Said by one of my recent female counseling clients.  But I’ve heard it from many.  So, men, here’s some help for you in handling your woman when she’s down.  First, what not to do:  Don’t withdraw.  Don’t say, “Snap out of it.”  Instead, ask her, “Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”  Then, just listen.  Next, ask her, “Is there anything you’d like from me?”  Finally, take her in your arms, and tell her, “I’m here for you.  I love you.  Everything’s going to be alright.”  There.  Now, you’re equipped.

Odd as it may sound, to have closeness in your relationship, you have to be a researcher.  Now, don’t panic.  You won’t need to know statistics, you’ll just need a few simple skills.  You’ll need to employ these skills whenever your partner gives you feedback.  For example, Jim told me, “You seem touchy.”  Now, my impulse was to automatically deny it with, “No, I’m not touchy!”  But, Jim taught me to say, “Can you tell me more about that?”  And even to say, “Can you say what I’m doing that leads you to say that?”  Once you learn to respond to feedback in this way, you’ll reap three dividends:  One, you’ll have a chance to learn about yourself.  Two, you’ll have the opportunity for elements in your personality to emerge and be accepted by you.  And three, using Anthetic releasing statements (see our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic), you’ll get free from some self-condemnation and constrictedness.  Oh, and as an added dividend, you’ll get closeness with your partner.  So, be a Researcher!

When we’re alone, we often don’t see ourselves.  We need each other to see who we really are.  Let me give you an example from our lives.  When Jim and I were parting at the San Jose Airport, he had parked the car away from the terminal near the trees.  With another hour or two before my flight, we had sat in the car and talked and talked.  At one point, the security guards tapped on Jim’s window and asked if everything was okay.  I felt guilty (for no reason, of course).  But Jim handled it with such strength and maturity, I just loved him for it.  And I told him so in one of my first letters to him.  Doing so had a big impact on Jim.  He wrote:  “I love feedback from you; for example, about the security guard at the airport.  To me that seemed quite ordinary, what I did; your writing about it gave me a new perspective on myself.”  So, that was it.  In being beheld, we each began to see ourselves in a new light:  “So that’s me?  That strong man that she sees?”  Yes, that’s you.  When you see yourself through my eyes, you glimpse your magnificence.

You’ve probably played this game:  Watching couples and noting how much they start looking alike over time.  Well, research by psychologist Arthur Aron of Stony Brook, affirms not that they look alike, but that couples who were close, began to adopt the traits of the other.  In fact, their brains were slow to distinguish their own traits from their partner’s.  Does this mean you’ll lose yourself if you get close?  No.  The research indicates that it’s that you grow in ways you wouldn’t have without your partner, expanding your identity to include elements of your spouse.  Jim and I say find your twin; use skills for being as close as possible; support each other’s growth.  Life will be exhilarating.

Bubbles, the sweet Maltipoo,  brought her puppies to visit!  Two little adorable fluff-balls.  Watching them playing and sleeping is a lesson in love.  They are all over each other.  When nap time comes they sleep on top of each other–full body contact.  We can learn from them how to draw maximum warmth and closeness from our partner.  Jim and I observed that we’re like puppies.  Jim wrote in 1989 after we’d lain together for the first time:  “Remember waking up in the night and hugging each other as we lay, our naked bodies pressed together, your soft flesh curving into mine, fitting together as though God had made them for that purpose?”  So, don’t miss out on this gift with your soulmate–lie together like puppies.

It’s Monday.  The challenges of a new week await us.  You could use a blessing.  One that sends you forth into the world in the arms of love.  As Jim and I parted following our first lovemaking, I wrote him these words:  “You are my love, my heart.  I, as your priestess, invoke God’s blessing upon you–a blessing of safekeeping, of inspiration, of empowerment, of going forth enfolded and of returning to me speedily.”  You, too, can be priest and priestess to each other today.  Reach inside and tap God’s love.  Let it bless each other.  You’ll walk in love.

“I don’t want my partner to tell me what he doesn’t like about me or my behavior.  I just want to be loved.”  What’s the matter with that?  Well, it will lead to a chain of events:  “I can’t tell her what I’m not liking that she does.”  That leads to not talking.  Which leads to distance.  Net result:  The closeness you so long for is lost.  And it was a matter of attrition.  Add to that net loss one more thing:  The unique opportunity for your own psychological growth is lost too.  One warning:  Don’t think we’re recommending that you accept negativity such as anger, judgmentalism or sarcasm.  We’re not.  When your partner tells you what he doesn’t like, he must say it lovingly.  Here’s how Jim did it in his 1989 letter to me (I had sent him a Valentine cassette with my favorite music):  “While I was listenening to the first two numbers, I was transported by ecstasy;  Kathy’s music!  Her gift to me of herself!  But then the vocal stuff I found a bit jangly, and I thought, Oh my god, I can never tell her that!  I just won’t say anything.  No, I can’t do that; I’ve got to tell her.”  And he did.  And so I learned what he liked and didn’t like.  I knew him better.  We were closer in a new way:  Not by virtue of liking exactly the same things, but because we were more transparent with each other.  I knew him.  He knew me.

The results are in:  You can honeymoon forever!  Research from Bianca Acevedo, PhD (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-the-wild-things-are/201010/can-romantic-love-last-forever) confirms that romantic love–yes, you heard it right–romantic love– is an attainable lifetime goal for relationships.  Don’t think your relationship has to settle into mere companionship.  It doesn’t.  What’s more romantic love is good for you.  As Jim wrote me many years into our marriage, “You are my twin; my heart’s desire; you set various parts of me on fire…And as we go from day to day in a seemingly quotidian way, The splendor of our lives hold sway, And God looks down to seek–His two lovers.”