Soulmate Skills

“Numnutz!” “Old Fart!” If you’ve gotten into a pattern of calling your partner such names, that’s a clue that you’ve got some unprocessed anger toward your partner.  What’s more, it’s turned into an attitude of disrespect.  That’s not funny.  It’s corrosive.  We’re not going to tell you to just stop it.  That’s not enough.  You need to analyze the anger that’s driving it.  For example, “Have I been silencing my voice about my needs?”  “Have I translated my anger into neutral requests of my partner?” There are others, of course, but this will get you started.  We want you to be free of anger, at peace, and happy.  Most important, we want you to have closeness.  So, today, start with No Name Calling!

Red flags.  They’re behaviors that are early warning signs to relationship trouble on the horizon.  He might be a chronic flirt with other women while you’re dating.  It’s a predictor of infidelity once you’re married.  She might say, “Don’t let me cut and run.”  It’s a clue she’ll be withdrawing and distancing.  He might push you, take your car keys, restrain you.  It’s a good chance he’ll escalate into worse abuse.  We know it’s a temptation in the blush of early love to want to overlook such red flags.  Your black hole that longs for love will want to turn a blind eye to the pain these red flags are already causing you.  We recommend you take executive charge of your black hole.  Be alert.  At the least, the red flag is an indicator you need to request your partner get therapy for these behaviors.  At the most, you need to scratch this person off your list.  Make way for a partner who treats you lovingly and with respect.  If you find this hard to do, we recommend you get counseling to help you break free from your drivenness to put up with pain.  We want you to be free!

There’s no getting around it.  Conflict is going to happen in your relationship.  So, how do you cope?  Low-Voltage partners usually rely on one of three options: fighting, submitting, or distancing.  They have to avoid closeness, because they lack skills.  If they get too close, they often end up in a bitter argument.  That’s a combat relationship–one where verbal attacks have become accepted as normal.  High-Voltage couples, on the other hand, have learned skills for successfully resolving conflict.  That creates a safe haven.  Safe enough to talk about anything, especially feelings.  How can you tell if you’re creating a safe haven?  You’ll enjoy emotional closeness, soft-heartedness, and love.  It all comes down to a basic values choice: Do you choose a safe haven or a combat zone?

“I don’t like to talk about feelings.”  This statement is not what it appears–a simple statement of dislike.  You’ll need to decode this one.  It actually is a symptom of thymophobia, which means a fear of feelings.  We all have a certain amount of this problem.  For example, you may find it easy to cry but have trouble expressing anger.  Or you may find it easy to express anger but difficult to express hurt.  In each case, the avoidance of feelings is driven by trying to avoid the Inner Critic induced pain you’d feel if you dared to express that feeling.  Not only does thymophobia block our personal growth, it also blocks closeness.  Because when we can’t confront a feeling, we don’t want to listen when others talk about their feelings.  So, to get free, take back your right to feel everything!  Come alive!*

For more on thymophobia, see page 113 of Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott and Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

It’s true.  Three little words can go a long way to saving your relationship.  They are:  “That’s my stuff!”  Which means, “That thing I just said was my emotional baggage.  I take responsibility for it.”   In Anthetic Psychology, we call “stuff” reactivity.  It’s the strategies we created to defend against Inner Critic pain.  And it invariably comes out in relationships.  It shows up as anger, short-temperedness, and all kinds of negativity.  We help couples understand and dismantle this machinery.  Piece by piece.  But in each case, Step 1 is learning to label it and admit it to your partner:  “That’s my stuff.”  Sure they’re just three little words.  But they can stop an argument.

We’re going to give it to you straight.  If you want a high-voltage soulmate relationship, you have to flatly refuse to live by toxic values.  These may suprise you:  1) Relationship Perfectionism–it causes defensiveness; 2) Reactive Pride–it makes you touchy and quick to take offense; 3) Thinking it’s OK to Act Out Negativity–anger, secretiveness, harsh criticism–it will wreck your relationship; 4) Living in Your Little Boy or Little Girl–you’ll feel like a victim with no power and see your partner as the powerful parent.  If you’ve gotten into any of these, we want to set you free.  You have a choice.  Values are chosen.  What you choose is what you get.  Instead of these toxic values, choose love, psychological flexibility, forthcomingness, and working on your stuff.  You’ll be laying the foundation for an optimal high-voltage relationship.

They’re in deep pain.  This couple who comes to see us because one has been unfaithful.  She’s oh so hurt–and angry–betrayed.  He’s suffering guilt, even anguish.  He’s puzzled that he did this thing.  How can you never be this couple?  What we’ve learned in our forty years of doing therapy is that an infidelity occurs when distance and anger have built up.  Instead of talking about the feelings, you act them out.  The infidelity is a drama that portrays the pain you’re in.  It’s not conscious, of course.  To protect your relationship from this process, you’ll need to be vigilant about two things:  One, you’ll need to be in touch with your hurt, anger, and yearning toward each other.  Then talk about it.  We know it’s scary.  We’ve done it in our 21 years of marriage–over and over.  Two, you’ll need to become conscious of the inner figures inside you who are ready at any moment to enact your pain.  It might be a petulant child figure or a vengeful part of yourself.  Once you know you have these parts, you can feel the pull to let them speak for you.  Resist that pull.  It would only be trouble.  Let your voices speak as neutrally and non-judgmentally as possible what you need from each other.  If you’ll do these things, you’ll maintain your closeness.  This process will be your insurance against infidelity.

Guilt feelings.  Let’s put it bluntly.  They’re destructive to you.  Why?  Because they disempower you.  Their purpose is to keep you in your place.  So you won’t get too big for your britches.  Keep you from making requests.  Not “burdening” others or “intruding” on them.  When you’re guided by guilt feelings in a relationship, you twist yourself into a pretzel.  Can’t say no.  Can’t express who you are.  Then you start feeling trapped.  Suffocated.  And very angry.  This results in a tragic loss for your relationships.  A loss of vitality.  The magnificence of who you are gets squelched.  What to do?  Don’t trust your feelings of guilt.  Get free from your Inner Critic shoulds to be self-effacing.  Our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, will give you the skills to achieve this.  We’re here to help you get free.

It comes in waves.  Primal pain, that is.  It’s the pain we carry from our past.  All the way back to infancy.  The pain of not being loved, nurtured, responded to.  And sometimes when responded to, only with abuse.  Being in relationships triggers our primal pain.  It can happen for several reasons.  Maybe we choose the wrong partner, someone who resembles those early pain-inflicters.  Maybe we see a really good partner through the filter of those earlier relationships.  I know I have.  One time, I was sure Jim was fussing at me.  It so happened we had a tape recorder on.  Oh my gosh, when I played it back, his voice was the most tender, loving one.  I had heard him through the memory of primal pain.  What to do about primal pain?  Identify the person from your past from whom that pain came.  Imagine they’re with you,  then express your pain and anger as fully as you can.  You’ll be draining your primal pool of pain.  Do it as many times as you need.  You’ll feel relief each time.  Through this process, you’ll be able to see your partner clearly.

Bologna.  That’s what I wanted.  It was our first grocery shopping trip together.  Jim went for the ham and put it in our basket.  We pushed our cart on to the next aisle.  Jim saw I was upset.  He said, “What just happened?”  I said, “I wanted bologna!”  He said, “We both get to have what we want.  Did you think you couldn’t say what you wanted or just pick it up?”  I said, “Yes.”  Boy, that was early in our marriage, and I had a lot to learn.  More to the point, I had a lot of self-constriction to overcome.  All those inner critic shoulds not to say what I wanted.  If you have that too (and most of us do), realize it’s just your Inner Critic saying you don’t have the right to say what you want.  It may even tell us that our partner will get angry if we make a request.  What’s needed is an Anthetic challenge.  Here are a couple:  “I have the right to say what I want.”  “Even if my partner gets angry, I still have the right to make this request.”  Now you’ve got it: If you’re afraid to ask for what you want, that’s just your Inner Critic.  Label it.  Challenge it.  Your satisfaction will grow.*

*For more help in making requests, see Disarming Your Inner Critic available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.