Soulmate Skills

“We say, ‘I’m sorry,’” she told me.  “But it’s getting old.  Because nothing changes.  We just hurt each other again.  So my question is, what do you say after you say, ‘I’m sorry’?”  I loved her question and felt her pain.  No one taught us how to do relationships.  And often our models (e.g., our parents and other relatives) had no clue how to relate intimately either.  So, I’m reaching into Jim’s and my treasure trove of things we learned for crafting intimate relationships and answering her question.   It was featured in my KLFY TV 10 Sunday morning segment of Passe Partout, “Dr. Kathryn Elliott: On Relationships.”  In case you missed the answer this morning, here is the heart of it. Say 5 words, “That was just my stuff.” Then bottom line it: “Bottom line is I love you and I think you’re a good person.” Say these simple words, and you’ll be on your way to reconnection and closeness.

Quiz Question:  Have I ever felt taken advantage of?  If you answered “Yes,”  we have help for you.  We’re drawing here from p. 102 of our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic (James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott).  “You may give more than you want to give, and your own needs may go unmet.  You feel used and taken advantage of.  You’ll have plenty of resentment and anger, because you know deep down that you must really be defective if you have to give so many things just to get someone to like you and stay with you.”  Of course, you suppress the anger because your Inner Critic tells you it would surely drive the other person away.  Now, there’s the heart of the problem.  It’s your Inner Critic driving all this.  The good news is, we’ve just exposed your Inner Critic’s hidden role in your allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.  You can get free.  Label it first.  “That’s my Inner Critic telling me I have to say yes, to give more than I really want to.”  Then get released, using one of our powerful challenging statements to the Inner Critic.  We love it when people get free.  You will too.

You’ve seen baboons charge, right?   Arms rigid.  Chest out.  Nostrils huffing.  We humans do that too–or some version of it when we’re angry.  It’s scary.   And it’s meant to be.  Translated it says, “I’m feeling threatened.  Afraid I’m being attacked.  I’m going to protect myself by scaring you with my anger.”  Hmm.  Sound familiar?  That’s because we humans do this too.  When feeling threatened, we puff up with anger also.  Did you know that the reason you feel scared of the other person’s anger is because their anger is meant to scare you?  Want to know what their anger is really about?  It’s that they’re trying to ward off an Inner Critic event.  I learned this personally by experiencing it myself.  And we help our counseling clients make this connection in themselves.  When our Inner Critic pounces, it makes us feel guilty, defective, shameful, inferior, and, of course, scared.  That feels so awful, we’ll do anything to stop it.  That includes resorting to anger to scare our partner who is triggering our Inner Critic, often by such innocent behavior as making a request of us.  We have a solution the baboon does not:  We can use our evolved brain to challenge our Inner Critic.  Then we don’t have to resort to anger.  Ah!  Peace will reign.*

For more on anger and the Inner Critic, read Ch. 7 of James Elliott and Kathryn Elliott’s book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Judgmentalism.  Defensiveness.  Withdrawal.  All examples of negativity.  We know the toll it takes on your dream for a fulfilling relationship.  We want to offer you hope–and skills for breaking this pattern.  In Anthetic Relationship Therapy, we teach Clue Work: using surface clues such as your negative responses as doors opening into the deeper mechanisms that drive negative behavior.  Once you identify the clues, you can dismantle the mechanisms and put them out of play.  We’re not talking about willpower.  Nor trying to shape yourself cosmetically into looking good in others’ eyes.  We’re talking about accepting yourself fully.  We call it becoming an Anthetic free spirit.  We’ve layed it all out for you in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic*.  As you practice the skills contained in it, you’ll find that in getting free from self-constrictedness, you’ll be in shape for emotional closeness.  And for the relationship of your dreams.

*Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott, Ph.D., with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., is available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Brad said:  “You’re my once in a lifetime.”  He cried, got down on one knee.  Emily was moved, as were we.  She said, “Yes!” Even the pundits said it was one of the most romantic moments in “The Bachelor”’s history.  Now, we hear that they are struggling: she with jealousy of his connections with other women during the show’s filming; he with volatile feelings.  What’s going on here?  It’s stuff.  The two lovers’ emotional baggage is getting triggered.  It would be easy for us to be cynical and say, “Of course, romance doesn’t last.”  That’s not our message.  We know that romance; in fact, honeymoon fairy-tale romance can last a lifetime.  It’s going to take skills.  Very specific skills.  High-voltage relationship skills that we teach.  They equip partners with the concepts, values, and skills to confront the stuff in themselves and in the relationship.  Once confronted, we help couples get free from what’s driving it.  It’s going to be their Inner Critic; hurt inner figures; early faulty learning; and perhaps more.  So, watchers, take heart.  Love; in fact, fairy tale love can last.  And Brad and Emily, call us.   We’re at (337) 234-8221.

Been feeling irritable lately?  Like any little thing could set you off.  You know how it goes.  First, you feel a little unsettled.  Then, a little aggravated.  Next thing you know you’re biting your loved one’s head off over the smallest thing.  You’re puzzled.  So, you think, “Must be the stress I’m under at work.”   Or “Maybe I’m PMSing.”  We want to let you in on the secret to why we can feel irritable.  It’s that you’ve submerged your Natural Self energies.  Whole parts of yourself condemned to be locked away into your subconscious.  Why?  Because if they were to emerge into consciousness, your Inner Critic would pounce.  Then you’d feel scared, depressed, defective, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, inferior.  Of course, we can’t keep those powerful energies submerged for long.  They inevitably emerge, and usually in disguised form.  They come out sideways.  Hence, your irritability.  By telling you this secret, we’ve just outed your Inner Critic.  Now whenever you feel that irritability, you can label it.  “I must be constricting myself at the hands of my Inner Critic!”  Then ask yourself, “What is it I’ve been feeling or desiring that I won’t let myself look at?”  Let those inklings of the answer emerge fully into your awareness.  Then use one of our releasing statements.  You’ll get free.  Your irritability will vanish.  You can enjoy your life–and your relationships– in peace.*

*For more on getting free from your Inner Critic, see Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Women, here’s an ALERT for you:  Beware of Your Judgmentalism Toward Men!  It can be subtle or blatant.  A curl of the lip (that’s contempt).  A little verbal jab (that’s revenge).  It’s our attempt to feel one-up to men.  Problem is it comes at a high price–pain in the men we love; a hardening of our own hearts.  Truth is, we don’t need to bolster our self-esteem by putting men down.  Our worth is a given.  Let’s choose empathy over negativity.  Our men will be relieved; we will be blessed.

Do you have a decision to make?  Maybe about a life partner, a job, or some other action to take.  Here’s a tip to help you make a good decision:  Be systematic.  Not impulsive.  Do research–pros and cons.  Analyze consequences.  Don’t decide when you’re angry or fearful.  Make a list of your ideal for this situation.  Check how well this decision matches your ideal.  The closer the match, the more likely you’ll be satisfied with the outcome.  Oh, and one more thing.  Once you’ve systematically made your decision, be at peace.  You can always edit.  By that we mean, most decisions can be corrected.  For any that can’t, you can merely get free from any Inner Critic put-downs about yourself.  Everything’s going to be okay.

Can you run out of love?  Can you just get tapped out?  Here’s what Jim wrote to me in 1989:  “Our love, Dear Kathy, is not our own.  It comes through us from some transcendent Source.  We both know how powerful it is, and I’m happy that you and I are willing and eager to accept the task of channeling it.  It’s so sweet.  We are learning, you and I, to deal with this powerful force.”  We realize that the transcendent Source that Jim talked about never runs out of love.  So, fear not, dear ones, if you’re not feeling the love, you’re simply experiencing a psychological block to it.  Perhaps anger at your partner.  Perhaps hurt.  Talk through those feelings, and you’ll unblock the love.  It’s a source that never runs out.

Do you say, “It’s just natural to be angry”?  Or “Who wouldn’t feel bad in those circumstances”? Or even, “It’s normal to want your own space a lot”?  That’s conventional wisdom about emotional pain.  But that’s not what we say in Anthetic Psychology.  Sure, such feelings are common to us as humans.  But they’re not something we just have to live with; nor just wait until they pass.  Such feelings as anger, an impulse to distance, and other painful feelings are clues to a reactive structure driving those bad feelings.  Most often, your Inner Critic is pouncing.  Then too other inner figures are involved, such as a disempowered figure or an entitled figure.  That’s what our counseling work addresses.  That’s what our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, empowers you to get free from.  You never again have to buy the explanation that your upset feelings are just natural.