The Beholding Skill
Beholding
This skill, beholding, has to do with how we look at each other. And the way we do so has everything to do with how much closeness we create with each other. Before we define beholding, let us explain the three ways in which we can look at another:
1) Glancing–This is what we do in the grocery store. Our eyes just quickly take in that there’s another person pushing a cart toward us on the same grocery aisle we’re on. So we then move our cart over to make room and just keep shopping. Oh, we might nod at the person or even briefly smile and say hello. But it’s merely practical civility or common courtesy; there’s no depth of meeting.
2) Clinical Observing–This is when we look at another with a diagnostic or clinicial eye. For example, “Oh, you have a headache? Why don’t you take an aspirin?” There is a certain level of caring. But it remains a brief, surfacey interaction.
3) Beholding–Now, this is when we see the other in depth; we take in what they are feeling; what they are like at this moment. It’s a soul-level meeting. And this is the kind of looking at one another that creates closeness.
To give you an example, do you remember in Jim’s and my meeting at Asilomar when Jim named me, “You have a work of genius!” ? That was Jim beholding me. He took in the content of my presentation about my doctoral work at a depth level. Then he told me what he saw. And do you remember in my Love Letter to him (Jan. 20, 1989) when I told him that his calling my work “genius” was a Day of Naming for me? That’s the kind of effect we have on one another when we behold each other. It becomes an Event; a special moment in time. And it is life-enriching. And can be life-changing.
Some further examples:
+ When you see that your partner seems upset and ask about it: “You seem troubled. Are you concerned about something?”
+ When you see that your partner is feeling positive feelings (excitement, love, inspiration): “I love seeing you have so much pleasure.”
Another Jim example: This was so sweet. I (Kathryn) always drip my morning coffee using an English bone china cup; very pretty with flowers on it. I use a Mellita coffee filter to make an individual cup. Well, one particular evening I set up my coffee cup and filter in preparation for the next morning. I must have known I’d be in a hurry that day. When I woke up that morning, there was a little note next to my coffee cup. It was in Jim’s handwriting and said simply, “Your little coffee cup is so cute!” After those words, he’d drawn two entwined hearts (his symbol for our love). As you can imagine, I was melted. It was such a little thing. But its impact on me was huge. I felt a surge of love. And my day was off to a wonderful, warmed start. I knew I was enfolded in Jim’s love.
To review, the communication skill of Beholding has two parts:
1) Taking in with depth, valuing, and empathy what your partner is feeling or exhibiting.
2) Expressing what you see in words (spoken and/or written) to your partner.
Do these two things, and your partner will melt. And you will create an atmosphere of warmth and love in your relationship.
