The Anthetic Listening Skill
The first skill we want to share with you is the first communication skill Jim taught me (Kathryn) at Asilomar, that first week we met.
Anthetic* Listening
It’s the simplest skill we use. And we’ve taught it to thousands of couples. It goes like this:
Your partner tells you a feeling he or she is having. All you have to say is, “Can you tell me more about that?”
It’s that simple. All it takes is a genuine interest in your partner. Here’s how Jim taught me:
The scene was Jim’s room at Asilomar Conference Center. I had asked him to teach me how to write books, and we had arranged to meet in his room for that discussion.
Jim: “I feel scared.”
Kathryn: “Oh, don’t feel scared.”
Jim: “No, I don’t want you to say that. I want you to say, ‘Can you tell me more about that?’”
Kathryn: “I can learn that.”
And I did. It was the fundamental skill for creating closeness. And so we began to move into more emotional depth. As you will when you use this skill.
Here are a couple more examples of how the skill works:
Partner: “I feel hurt that our friends didn’t invite us to their party.”
You: “Can you tell me more about that?”
Partner: “I’m not sure I’m in love with you any more.”
You: “Can you tell me more about that?”
We know it seems amazing to respond this way. But it’s the path to meeting your partner. And it’s the way to create closeness.
Some Surprising Benefits
A wonderful thing about this simple skill of listening is that it can so quickly turn things around in unhappy marriages. And the turn-around creates benefits for both the speaker and the listener. If you’re the speaker, being heard helps to improve your self-esteem. It produces the feeling of “I’m valued; what I say matters to my partner.” If you’re the listener, it helps to overcome self-centeredness, with the suprising pleasure of getting to know your partner. For both partners, it creates connection. And that is a warm feeling we all thrive on.
*Anthetic comes from the Greek anthein, meaning the blossoming of a flower. Jim coined the term when he created Anthetic Therapy. Anthetic Therapy helps people clear away blocks so they can blossom as an individual or as a couple.
