Soulmate Skills

Giving and Receiving Feedback

One of the greatest gifts of a high-voltage soulmate relationship is the gift of growth.  How does that occur?  Quite deliberately, through the skill of feedback.  To get started, we recommend you offer feedback through a simple question:  “Are you feeling afraid to tell me what you want?”  Here’s another example, “Is your Inner Critic pouncing?”  And another, “Are you feeling angry?” 

The feedback skill is one of the most profound, yet certainly the most challenging skill in Anthetic relationship work.  Now, in order to benefit by any feedback you’re given, you’ll need to get free from any Inner Critic twinges of pain you’re feeling.  And you can bet that your Inner Critic will pounce when you get feedback.  It will say, “You shouldn’t feel angry;”  “You shouldn’t say what you want;” even, “You shouldn’t have an Inner Critic!”  So, you’re going to have to take back your right to be exactly where you are:  “I have the right to be angry;” “I have the right to say what I want;” and even, “I have the right to have an Inner Critic, and I’m still a good person.”  (For more on getting free, read our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic.)

You’ll notice that Jim and I began giving each other feedback right away, at Asilomar.  He told me, “You have a work of genius here!”  Wow!  What wonderful feedback.  It confirmed what I hoped was true about my doctoral work.  It gave me confidence and energy to pursue it full-out.  My feedback to Jim was, “When we hugged in your room, you seemed stiff.  I want to offer you something–my influence, my female lubrication.”  And because he received it, he experienced transformational growth.  He felt a relaxing, a shift from tension to peace.  And he began to live that way. 

So you can see that feedback is one of the most transformative skills we offer in Anthetic relationship training.