Soulmate Skills

“We say, ‘I’m sorry,’” she told me.  “But it’s getting old.  Because nothing changes.  We just hurt each other again.  So my question is, what do you say after you say, ‘I’m sorry’?”  I loved her question and felt her pain.  No one taught us how to do relationships.  And often our models (e.g., our parents and other relatives) had no clue how to relate intimately either.  So, I’m reaching into Jim’s and my treasure trove of things we learned for crafting intimate relationships and answering her question.   It was featured in my KLFY TV 10 Sunday morning segment of Passe Partout, “Dr. Kathryn Elliott: On Relationships.”  In case you missed the answer this morning, here is the heart of it. Say 5 words, “That was just my stuff.” Then bottom line it: “Bottom line is I love you and I think you’re a good person.” Say these simple words, and you’ll be on your way to reconnection and closeness.

She walked across the campus greeting each person with a smile and a bright “Good Morning!”  With only one exception she received a grunt, “Uh,” in reply!  To the one person who returned her smile and greeting, she said, “How are you?”  He said, “Blessed!”  She agreed with him, “Me too!”  The lesson I see for us is not that we have to always be smiling.  It’s that we have a choice to be happy.  We can exercise that choice by connecting with each other.  We can recognize that we are blessed in this amazing way:  love is always ready to flow through us to others.  Today, try greeting each person you meet.  Let love flow through you.  Have a blessed day.

“Our Word backed by the power of our assertiveness and our intention shapes what happens.”  (James Elliott to Kathryn, 1989)

I was only going for my Ph.D.  At least that’s what I thought.  But the Universe had other plans.  It had lagniappe for me.  In Cajun culture, that’s when you get something extra added to what you expected.  My lagniappe was Jim–sitting waiting for me in that meeting room the first day of my Ph.D. program.  Now, I can’t help but think, that’s the best lagniappe I ever got.  I want to pass this on to you.  You might be going for one thing you’re expecting and find the lagniappe of your dreams!

As I come to terms with Jim’s death, I’m processing what his legacy is to us.  So, it was perfect last night when I read his letter to me from March, 1989, written four months before we married.  He closed his letter with these words, “I pour myself out to you–I touch the divinity in you and release my divinity to you–core to core, divine center to divine center.  We melt into each other at the very center from whence the whole world was made, from which it is now sustained second by second, where aliveness gushes forth through us, ecstatically, poured out into the world to enrich it, to bring joy, to bring pure love.”  That is Jim’s blessing to us.

At the drive-thru window, she ordered her plate lunch.  He asked her, “Would you like anything else?”  She thought, then said, “Yes, I think I’ll call my husband and get him a Coke.”  The server liked that.  He said, “I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but I’ve been married 28 years, and my wife and I still do things like that for each other.  That’s the secret to a happy marriage:  Spoil each other.”  She agreed, “I’m a couple therapist, and that’s what I teach my couples!”  So, we’re passing this on to you.  If you’re in a relationship, keep your partner in mind with the question, “How can I please her/him?  How can I give her/him pleasure?”  If you’re soulmate questing, look for someone who wants to spoil you and to be spoiled.

It was the premier psychological conference.  We had prepared to present our new work there.  As people began filing in to view our work and ask about it, I looked around for Jim.  Why, he was standing back, away from our display.  And he was beaming at me!  He was letting me have the glory!  At another presentation, I introduced Jim.  I spoke with pride of his genius; his founding of Anthetic Psychology, this new field that would at last set people free.  I wanted them to see him as I saw him.  I wanted him to have the glory.  That’s how it is with soulmates.  You revere each other.  You want others to know what you know about your beloved.  You want them to see what you see.

James Emerson Elliott, Ph.D.  Friends, family, colleagues celebrated his life June 3, 2011.  He was more than a soulmate to me.  He was a playmate and a singer of songs.  We sang some of his favorite playful songs (“Mandalay,” “The Casket Song,” and “Downtown”).  He was a spiritual guide, teaching us to dialogue directly with God.  The back of his program quoted him: “What matters most is not whether God loves us, but that God is the source of love that flows through us to others.”  He was the Great Empowerer, teaching us to throw rocks at the waves until the fear went away.  He was the Great Liberator–the Voice of Freedom, giving us the skills for getting free from our Inner Critic.  He was love, the most empathic man I’ve ever known.  He was a man of great virility.  He has inseminated me with himself.  He is with us still.

He runs her bath water.  He picks up after himself.  He even holds her purse when she has to go to the bathroom in a public place.  He’s no wuss.  He’s also a former Marine, strong, muscular, with work-hardened hands.  I asked him, ”How did you learn to be so caring?”  His answer:  “You don’t have to be a romantic to do it.  I don’t know where I learned it.  I guess it’s an innate trait.”  And there’s the key.  He naturally wants to please her; to care for her; to make her happy.  Now, you may think, “There aren’t many men like that.”  Actually, there are.  In fact, that ability to care for his partner is  in every man.  He just needs to liberate it.  How does a man do that?  He makes a values choice.  “I choose to express my caring for my partner in ways I know she’ll love.  I don’t give a damn what anybody says about it.”

My beloved soulmate, Jim, has died.  I was right beside him; my head touching him, my hand holding his.  He was surrounded in love as his heart fluttered and stopped.  To have had him as my husband, colleague and soulmate was the greatest gift of my life.  I am so grateful.  We are planning a Celebration of Jim’s Life for later this week.  I will keep you posted.  With love and gratitude, Kathryn