Soulmate Skills

After Jim and I parted from our initial meeting at our doctoral colloquium at Asilomar, the longing for connection became acute. And so we wrote our first love letters to each other. Those first letters became a stream of letters (130 in all) over the next six months.

Following are a sampling from our first letters.

 

 

February 15, 1989 From Jim to Kathy Wednesday, 11:40 am My precious treasure, I want to bestow on you as much of my male energy as you want to take in. I can go on endlessly about it, so let me know when you’ve had enough, or want more. You know I am a strong powerful male; as a little boy I learned to play with trucks and guns, not dolls. In eighth grade, we boys played a game called flinch. You made a fist as though to hit someone on the arm but stopped short of touching his arm, and it seemed to the other boy you’d hit him (but you didn’t), and so if he flinched, then yo…Read More

 

 

February 9, 1989 From Kathy to Jim Thursday, 9:55 a.m. Dear Jim, I have never connected with anyone like this before. I’ve never had a written correspondence at this depth. This is a gift to me, you know. Because I am learning (getting to practice, experience) *giving voice* (written and spoken) to my intellect and to my heart. And you receive and honor it so dearly. thank you for your correcting me about *talking*. I honor your need for words; for naming, for voicing,. What you said confirms the book I am reading, Women’s Ways of Knowing. The authors make the p…Read More

 

 

January 27, 1989 From Kathy to Jim Jan. 27, 1989–From Kathy to Jim Dear Jim, You are truly a soulmate for me. By that I mean someone who connects with me at my deepest need, knows just what to say, and meshes on a dynamic interactive interchange at each turn. It is a joy. And a mystery to me. Yes, we did affirm each other. I don’t know that I can definitively answer your sweet questions. But I’ll just give you my thoughts. Irene de Castillejo in her book, Knowing Woman, says that there is a phenomenon called “meeting.” In it, two people see each other, connect with each other,…Read More

 

 

January 30, 1989 From Kathy to Jim Dear Jim, I read your letters over and over. I too love your specific references to things I say. I love your motor load metaphor. It was beautiful. You should have seen the process that went on in me as I read that paragraph. First, resistance! “What is he talking to me about boys and motors for?” Then, oh, melt, you translated it perfectly to me. This represents how you translate the masculine for me, making it meaningful and relatable for me, and even delightful. And I am so happy to be a load for you. I love your talk of “a secret, loving…Read More

 

 

January 24, 1989 From Jim to Kathryn Dear Kathy Jo,Your wonderful letter arrived today, and I drank it in. I love feedback from you; for example, about the security guard at the airport. To me that seemed quite ordinary, what I did; your writing about it gave me a new perspective on myself. New topic. As boys, we men learn about things like electric motors, and I want to suggest a metaphor. A motor needs what is called a load–some work to do. Otherwise, it spins and spins and quickly burns itself out. With a load, the motor is fulfilled, so to speak. You are that for me: a…Read More

 

 

January 20, 1989 From Kathy to Jim Jan. 20 Friday,11:40 a.m. Oh, Jim__ I was hoping to be hearing from you soon, missing our frequent interactions, and last night your incredibly beautiful letter arrived. I read and reread your letter (3 times). That is the most beautiful letter. I was moved to the core, as I seem to be with you. Today, as I sit in my office, I have some insight into what this experience with you is for me.The experience goes back to that first day in your room–a day of real significance for me–a Day of Naming. It is an amazing, transforming thing. You na med…Read More

 

 

January 27, 1989 From Jim to Kathy Monday January 16, 1989 7 pm Dear Kathy Jo, (How nice to type your sweet name.) The first thing I want to say to you is that I didn’t know that the experience we had would be so powerful. After I left you, I ate a McChicken sandwich at Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto, bought a sweater (light brown), and slowly drove home, and thought only peripherally about you. But that night as I lay in bed, all kinds of images came to me: your dear face, your empowering words, the song you sang, and on and on, a succession of images, one after another. …Read More