Soulmate Skills

I know.  It’s not Christmas.  Even so, visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head.  Well, a version of sugarplums.  As I read a letter I wrote Jim in 1989 (four months before we married), it suggested how important our ability to image, dream, envision is.  Here’s what I told Jim:  “Thank you for imaging me as a lovely bride.  You are incredible, you loving man!”  This came after I had told Jim about the wedding dress I’d bought–a Laura Ashley confection of flowers on a sky blue background.  Two thousand miles away in California he was dreaming of me in that dress on our wedding day.  I, in turn, was doing my own dreaming.  I wrote, “A little thought: I think I want you to drive the car when we are married.”  Each of our dreams came to be.  Four months later, I stood by him in that dress as we spoke our vows.  As we left the wedding reception, he drove.  So, our message today is, go ahead.  Let your own visions of sugarplums dance in your head.  Dreams really do come true.

You long for closeness.  But it often eludes you.  And with the very people you love and value.  We want to offer you the key.  And it’s something you can do today.  It has to do with coping with other people’s intense feelings.  Because when you start to get close, those feelings will come up.  You’ll be tempted to make their feelings go away.  Whoa!  That’s not it.  Here it is:  Listen to their feelings.  Because closeness comes when you are able to let the other person’s feelings be what they are and just listen.  Try it today.  We’re with you.*

*This wisdom is from James Elliott’s book Disarming Your Inner Critic.  There’s much more where that came from.  Buy it here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

You know you’ve done it a million times.  You liked something your partner did–but never said a word.  Here’s your tip for today:  If your partner is doing something you like, it’s absolutely essential for closeness that you say it to them.  Here’s what Jim told me in his 1989 letter:  “I like it when I give you some feedback (e.g., ‘I like such-and-such that you said’) and you say, “That’s important for me to hear.”  Please do as much of this as you possiby can.”  So, I have.  And it’s a tried and true formula.  Like It?  Say It!  You’re gonna get bliss!

Here’s a self-test for you.  Do you ever say:  1.  “You painted me into a corner.”  2.  “You put me on the spot.”  3.  “I feel like I’m being punished.”  4.  “You’re not letting me be me.”  5.  “You’re making me into the bad guy!”  If you said “Yes” to any or all of these,  realize that you’ve been feeling like a victim.  More important, each is a clue to your own power giveaway.  We want to help you get free.  The secret is that your own shoulds (not the other person’s “power”) are keeping you in the victim position.  The way out?  Take back your power by challenging  each should contained in the statement you’ve said.  For example, “You painted me into a corner” contains the should, “You should stay where someone wants you to be.”  The challenge is, “I have the right to go anywhere I please.  I have the right to get out of any corner any time I wish.”  Truth is, you are a free spirit.  Claim it today!  (For more on getting free from power giveaways, read page 124 in Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott with Kathryn Elliott.)

Judgmentalism.  Defensiveness.  Withdrawal.  All examples of negativity.  We know the toll it takes on your dream for a fulfilling relationship.  We want to offer you hope–and skills for breaking this pattern.  In Anthetic Relationship Therapy, we teach Clue Work: using surface clues such as your negative responses as doors opening into the deeper mechanisms that drive negative behavior.  Once you identify the clues, you can dismantle the mechanisms and put them out of play.  We’re not talking about willpower.  Nor trying to shape yourself cosmetically into looking good in others’ eyes.  We’re talking about accepting yourself fully.  We call it becoming an Anthetic free spirit.  We’ve layed it all out for you in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic*.  As you practice the skills contained in it, you’ll find that in getting free from self-constrictedness, you’ll be in shape for emotional closeness.  And for the relationship of your dreams.

*Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott, Ph.D., with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., is available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

I went through a surgery recently.  It’s not an easy thing to face.  In fact, it’s one of those times when life presents us with a chill.  But at every step, I was enfolded in love and kindness.  In pre-op, they had warm blankets waiting on the foot of my bed.  In surgery, as I transferred to the surgical table, more warm blankets comforted my back.  Most important, I was wrapped in the love of friends, family, and underneath it all, Jim.  I like the way he wrote about this in 1989:  “I am wrapped in your love.  Surrounded and supported by your total acceptance of me.  Your love keeps me warm.  It embraces me, holds me close, warms my soul.  So even though you are miles away, I am comforted.  Your steadfast affection and loyalty hover over me, protect me, give me affirmation.”    If you’re in an intimate relationship, enfold each other.  If you’re soulmate questing, search for the one whose accepting, steadfast love keeps you warm.

I’m surveying how I’ve done at High-Voltage relating with Jim over these past 22 years.  I feel like I did in middle school when I was learning to play violin.  Nancy, my best friend, had the gift.  She was always 1st chair violin in orchestra, meaning she was the best.  I was 2nd chair.  I practiced and practiced.   It was hard for me.  For her, it just flowed.  This past week, I told Jim, “It feels like you have been 1st chair High-Voltage Relater.  I have been 2nd chair and have had to struggle and practice and practice.  For you, it just flowed.”  He nodded.  I’m sharing this because I know for some of you being close comes easy; for others of you it’s hard.  We want to encourage you.  Whether easy or hard, relating to each other with honesty, forthcomingness, and openness is worth it.  I don’t mind being 2nd chair.  Jim is always next to me.

She’s waiting for her soulmate.  She’s not settling.  So, she bought a box.  It’s an intriguing decorative box; sort of antique-looking travel box with an old-fashioned handle.  One side has an ancient globe on it with the words, “Life is a journey; love is what makes the journey worthwhile.”  She’s using her box as a container for thoughts, clippings, and items that represent her soulmate quest and that she wants to share with him when he arrives.  Jim did a version of this as he waited for his soulmate.  He made a scrapbook.  In it he put poems, cartoons, clippings about love.  The poems he read to me at our first lovemaking.  They became part of our wedding ceremony.  If you’re waiting for your soulmate, you can do this too.  Save the special quotes, poems, items that represent your search and your hope.  They’ll bless you and become a source of celebration when you and your soulmate find each other.  They’ll enrich your fulfillment.