Soulmate Skills

Brad said:  “You’re my once in a lifetime.”  He cried, got down on one knee.  Emily was moved, as were we.  She said, “Yes!” Even the pundits said it was one of the most romantic moments in “The Bachelor”’s history.  Now, we hear that they are struggling: she with jealousy of his connections with other women during the show’s filming; he with volatile feelings.  What’s going on here?  It’s stuff.  The two lovers’ emotional baggage is getting triggered.  It would be easy for us to be cynical and say, “Of course, romance doesn’t last.”  That’s not our message.  We know that romance; in fact, honeymoon fairy-tale romance can last a lifetime.  It’s going to take skills.  Very specific skills.  High-voltage relationship skills that we teach.  They equip partners with the concepts, values, and skills to confront the stuff in themselves and in the relationship.  Once confronted, we help couples get free from what’s driving it.  It’s going to be their Inner Critic; hurt inner figures; early faulty learning; and perhaps more.  So, watchers, take heart.  Love; in fact, fairy tale love can last.  And Brad and Emily, call us.   We’re at (337) 234-8221.

This is a very special anniversary for us.  It was 22 years ago today that Jim and I consummated our sexual relationship.  As we read Jim’s letter of the week before, we realized it contained the elements we want to recommend to you.  Here’s what he wrote:  “Now, about sex.  We absolutely do not have to have intercourse when we are together in New York.  Or ever.  There must be no pressure driving what we do.  If we do not have sex, I will not abandon you.  And if we ever do have sex, I want you to know that it will be a sacrament for me.  A holy event charged with meaning.  Sigh!”  To highlight what he was saying: 1)  He wanted us to freely choose to be sexual or not.  Not goaded by Inner Critic fears or shoulds.  2) If we did have sex, his attitude was one of awe.   He would hold it as holy; a sacred event.  So, today, as we celebrate this special anniversary, we offer you those two principles.  They will help you distinguish soulmate sex.

We’re constantly checking for guidance as we go through our day.  “What to do next?”, we ask ourselves.  So, we tune in to signals.  The problem is we often tune in to other people’s signals, not our own.  It’s our own Inner Critic, of course, that drives us to do so.  It tells us our own inner judgment is defective, not to be trusted.  Theirs is superior.  We can stop this process by labeling our self-doubt:  “That’s my Inner Critic.”  Then getting free, “I have the right to trust my own judgment.”

“I’d rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.” This was the climactic line in “The Wedding Date,” a movie Jim and I watched last night.  As we held hands, Jim in his hospital bed and I beside him, I said to him, “I’d rather sit here and watch movies with you than be out galavanting with anyone else.”  He nodded.  We think that’s an important clue for recognizing your soulmate:  Would you rather be doing anything at all with your partner than doing something grand with anyone else?  If you can answer “Yes!” you have an essential confirmation.

“It’s a new world order!”  So spoke one of our male Disarming Your Inner Critic book study participants.  He nicely captured something we noticed: More and more men are moving from valuing being outward-directed and success-driven.  Instead, they are choosing to be more self-reflective and psychologically-minded.  In addition, while men still prioritize sex in a relationship, they also want an emotional connection.  So, if you’re a man who fits this profile but wonders if he’s weird, now you know.  You’re part of a new world order!  Women, if you’ve wondered if you could find a man who could be sensitive and want closeness, take heart.  Your man is out there.

Ever responded to a compliment on something you’re wearing with, “Oh, this old thing?  I got it on sale at WalMart!”?  Ever quipped in response to  someone praising you about an achievement, “I was just lucky”?  This is what we call praise deflection.   Guess who’s behind it?  If you said, “My Inner Critic,” you were right!  Its goal: To safeguard you against the danger of thinking too well of yourself.  Net result:  You miss out on the pleasure of agreeing with someone who gives you a compliment.  The antidote?  Say to your Inner Critic, “I have the right to accept compliments; even to agree with them.”  Believe it.  We want you to have this pleasure.*

*From p. 98, Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott, Ph.D. with Kathryn Elliott, Ph.D., available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

Been feeling irritable lately?  Like any little thing could set you off.  You know how it goes.  First, you feel a little unsettled.  Then, a little aggravated.  Next thing you know you’re biting your loved one’s head off over the smallest thing.  You’re puzzled.  So, you think, “Must be the stress I’m under at work.”   Or “Maybe I’m PMSing.”  We want to let you in on the secret to why we can feel irritable.  It’s that you’ve submerged your Natural Self energies.  Whole parts of yourself condemned to be locked away into your subconscious.  Why?  Because if they were to emerge into consciousness, your Inner Critic would pounce.  Then you’d feel scared, depressed, defective, guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, inferior.  Of course, we can’t keep those powerful energies submerged for long.  They inevitably emerge, and usually in disguised form.  They come out sideways.  Hence, your irritability.  By telling you this secret, we’ve just outed your Inner Critic.  Now whenever you feel that irritability, you can label it.  “I must be constricting myself at the hands of my Inner Critic!”  Then ask yourself, “What is it I’ve been feeling or desiring that I won’t let myself look at?”  Let those inklings of the answer emerge fully into your awareness.  Then use one of our releasing statements.  You’ll get free.  Your irritability will vanish.  You can enjoy your life–and your relationships– in peace.*

*For more on getting free from your Inner Critic, see Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  It’s available here on our Products page and at amazon.com.

Want to know how to bring mega-intensity back to your love life?  Here’s a peek into how Jim and I infused ours from day one.   It’s from our love letters.  Jim to Kathy:  “I have surveyed your mind, your body, and your spirit.  And I pronounce all I see exquisitely good.  Just the way a woman ought to be.”  Kathy to Jim:  “You are my man.  And you are man enough for me.”  What’s going on here?  We are beholding each other; affirming what we see; the emotional and sexual power that followed was intense.  You can have this too.  Survey your partner; affirm to them what you see.  Then, watch.  Kapow!  Your love life will explode in sparks of joy and pleasure.

As I waited for my client to arrive, I plucked an older book off my bookshelf, “TNT: The Power Within You.”  I loved what it said: You have the power to attract your heart’s desire to you.  The author said, visualize clearly and in detail what you want.  Hold on to that image persistently.  You will see it manifest in your life.  I thought, “Wow!  That’s what Jim did to find me.”  He had 56 criteria!  He was very specific.  He knew where such a person would likely be.  And there I was–at his doctoral program.  He imagined, he persisted, he found!  You, too, can use this principle.  Start now.  Image your soulmate!*

*Need help getting started?  See Establishing Criteria for a Life Partner, James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available right here on our sidebar.

“He hates it when I’m depressed.  He doesn’t know what to do.”  Said by one of my recent female counseling clients.  But I’ve heard it from many.  So, men, here’s some help for you in handling your woman when she’s down.  First, what not to do:  Don’t withdraw.  Don’t say, “Snap out of it.”  Instead, ask her, “Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”  Then, just listen.  Next, ask her, “Is there anything you’d like from me?”  Finally, take her in your arms, and tell her, “I’m here for you.  I love you.  Everything’s going to be alright.”  There.  Now, you’re equipped.