Soulmate Skills

High Self-Esteem: Valuing yourself and having positive feelings for yourself.  In our counseling practice, we love to give people the secret to it.  We want to give it to you now.  We call it Anthetic self-esteem.  You can have it by unconditionally loving and accepting yourself.  You’ll have to make a place in your self-concept for every little thing in yourself.  Fear.  I accept that.  Anger.  I accept that too.  Awkwardness.  I love myself and accept that too.  It doesn’t matter what comes up, just love yourself and accept that too.  You’ll walk into your day knowing you’re acceptable and loved just as you are.*

*For more on increasing your self-esteem, see our book Disarming Your Inner Critic, James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  It’s here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

Want to deepen your connection with each other?  Try your power to fantasize.  Here’s an example from Jim and me.  In 1989, during our six months spent 2,000 miles apart, Jim wrote me of his hot fever of longing for me.  I wrote back:  “There is a peaceful oasis in me–the lush grove deep inside me welcomes you.  And there is a little waterfall with cool green fresh water bubbling.  Here, my love, take a drink.  And there is a carpet of soft green grass prepared just for you.  Lie here, and I will lie beside you.  Feel yourself calm.”  You can do this for each other.  Hear the other’s distress.  Let a helpful image come to you.  Speak it, filling in the details.  You’ve got fantasy power.  It will bless your partner.  And deepen your connection.

Middle of the night worries.  Most of us have them from time to time.  We want to help you understand, and better yet, handle them.  To understand: Such uneasiness comes from your Inner Critic. It pounces when we are vulnerable.  Tells us how defective or guilty we are.  Or predicts disaster for our plans.  What to do:  Challenge it–”This is my Inner Critic talking.  I’m not going to believe a word it says.”  We want you to have a good night’s sleep.*

*For more on worry, see p. 158, Disarming Your Inner Critic, byJames Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our Products tab and at amazon.com.

Women, here’s an ALERT for you:  Beware of Your Judgmentalism Toward Men!  It can be subtle or blatant.  A curl of the lip (that’s contempt).  A little verbal jab (that’s revenge).  It’s our attempt to feel one-up to men.  Problem is it comes at a high price–pain in the men we love; a hardening of our own hearts.  Truth is, we don’t need to bolster our self-esteem by putting men down.  Our worth is a given.  Let’s choose empathy over negativity.  Our men will be relieved; we will be blessed.

Oh, that waiting time for your soulmate can seem like forever.  For me, it was nine years between my first longing and Jim’s arrival in my life.  But, despite its tediousness, the waiting time is an essential time.  Here’s how I described it in my 1989 letter to Jim:  “You said that you weren’t ready for me before.  Yes, I feel I have been ripening for you; for our relationship.  I am more a full me than I have ever been.  I think, ‘How strange that this man so perfectly mated to me should come into my life when my life is most full.’”  So, soulmate questers, don’t despair, your waiting time is an important time for your own development.  Use this time to follow your sparks; follow your personal bliss.  You are ripening!

“What about women’s resistance to men?  I think it is a fear of losing themselves.  Oppressed by male logic, they distrust it.”  Those were Jim’s words to me in a March, 1989 letter.  And, he offered a solution:  “As long as women feel unassertive and helpless, they will distrust and resist male reasoning and logic.  What they need to do, it seems to me, is learn to reason; to think critically.  Then they will no longer be oppressed by male authorities.  They will have weapons to resist.  And need not fear maleness.”  So, I took Jim up on this.  I learned critical thinking skills.  And the fear had no power over me.  Try it, my dear sisters.

Want to be happy?  You need to know that your Inner Critic doesn’t want you to be happy.  It wants you to be safe.  Safe from what it sees as dangers of your becoming free.  And it’s willing to constrict your life in order to keep you safe.  That is, what it thinks of as “safe.”  That Inner Critic-created safety comes at a price.  It will tell you to hold back; don’t take risks; don’t put yourself out there in the world.  Once you know this, you can make a choice:  Do I want to be safe, or do I want to be happy?  If you choose “happy,” you’ll be choosing to make those connections your Natural Self wants.  You’ll follow your sparks.  We want you to be happy.*

For more on how to be happy and free from your Inner Critic, see Disarming Your Inner Critic by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott.  You can get it here on our Products page and at www.amazon.com.

“I have this sense that seeing you again, looking each other in the eye, and your holding my face in your hands would be enough to bring me to orgasm (no genital touching necessary).”  I wrote that to Jim one month after our meeting.  I’m sharing it today, because I hope it will encourage you about deepening your sexual connection.  It’s not about being a good technician; it’s about being a good connector.  I continued, “That’s how deeply you touch me.  And that’s a tribute to you and the quality with which you relate to me that I could be moved so deeply by the emotional/spiritual interchange with you.”  So, if you’d like this too, start by telling each other what a treasure they are to you.  Be specific.  Let your heart gush words of valuing of the other.  It will lead to a profound connection in your heart, your soul, and your body.

Do you have a decision to make?  Maybe about a life partner, a job, or some other action to take.  Here’s a tip to help you make a good decision:  Be systematic.  Not impulsive.  Do research–pros and cons.  Analyze consequences.  Don’t decide when you’re angry or fearful.  Make a list of your ideal for this situation.  Check how well this decision matches your ideal.  The closer the match, the more likely you’ll be satisfied with the outcome.  Oh, and one more thing.  Once you’ve systematically made your decision, be at peace.  You can always edit.  By that we mean, most decisions can be corrected.  For any that can’t, you can merely get free from any Inner Critic put-downs about yourself.  Everything’s going to be okay.

“Yes, I am both gentle and strong.  My male strength is here for you when ever you want it.  I will be careful to ensure that your slightest fear, your tiniest qualm will get my full care and attention.  It will be an act of love to do this, a deep pleasure for me.”  Jim’s words to me in his March 1989 letter.  Can you see how I was transported with love and valuing of this man?  He was giving me the two things modern women want:  masuline strength paired with gentleness and sensitivity.  How does a man develop these qualities?  By doing what Jim did:  developing his tolerance for strong emotions in himself and others.  Learning to note them when they bubble up; just observe them, “Oh, there’s some pain.  There’s some sadness.  There’s some anger.  I can just let them be what they are; I don’t have to do anything about them.”  Then learn to take pleasure in caring.  Feel the good feelings that come with connecting with another with love.  Cultivate these, and you will be a man women have to have.