Soulmate Skills

“Numnutz!” “Old Fart!” If you’ve gotten into a pattern of calling your partner such names, that’s a clue that you’ve got some unprocessed anger toward your partner.  What’s more, it’s turned into an attitude of disrespect.  That’s not funny.  It’s corrosive.  We’re not going to tell you to just stop it.  That’s not enough.  You need to analyze the anger that’s driving it.  For example, “Have I been silencing my voice about my needs?”  “Have I translated my anger into neutral requests of my partner?” There are others, of course, but this will get you started.  We want you to be free of anger, at peace, and happy.  Most important, we want you to have closeness.  So, today, start with No Name Calling!

“That’s just the way I am.”  “If I were to change, I wouldn’t be me.”  “I don’t need therapy: I’m doing okay the way I am (well, except for the fact my relationships don’t work.)”  Sound familiar?  These are all examples of the cover story we create to explain the problems our Inner Critic produces.  In Anthetic Psychology, we label our cover story a buffer.  It keeps at bay the emotional pain our Inner Critic induces.  We’re here to tell you, you don’t need a cover story.  Your worth as a person is a given.  You never have to create a fiction to prove you’re a good person.  Our work is focused on helping people get free from Inner Critic constrictedness.  You can present yourself to the world just as you are–no cover.*

In Disarming Your Inner Critic (James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott), we explain in detail how to get free from the cover stories we create.  Our book is available here on our sidebar and at www.amazon.com.

Red flags.  They’re behaviors that are early warning signs to relationship trouble on the horizon.  He might be a chronic flirt with other women while you’re dating.  It’s a predictor of infidelity once you’re married.  She might say, “Don’t let me cut and run.”  It’s a clue she’ll be withdrawing and distancing.  He might push you, take your car keys, restrain you.  It’s a good chance he’ll escalate into worse abuse.  We know it’s a temptation in the blush of early love to want to overlook such red flags.  Your black hole that longs for love will want to turn a blind eye to the pain these red flags are already causing you.  We recommend you take executive charge of your black hole.  Be alert.  At the least, the red flag is an indicator you need to request your partner get therapy for these behaviors.  At the most, you need to scratch this person off your list.  Make way for a partner who treats you lovingly and with respect.  If you find this hard to do, we recommend you get counseling to help you break free from your drivenness to put up with pain.  We want you to be free!

Odd as it may sound, to have closeness in your relationship, you have to be a researcher.  Now, don’t panic.  You won’t need to know statistics, you’ll just need a few simple skills.  You’ll need to employ these skills whenever your partner gives you feedback.  For example, Jim told me, “You seem touchy.”  Now, my impulse was to automatically deny it with, “No, I’m not touchy!”  But, Jim taught me to say, “Can you tell me more about that?”  And even to say, “Can you say what I’m doing that leads you to say that?”  Once you learn to respond to feedback in this way, you’ll reap three dividends:  One, you’ll have a chance to learn about yourself.  Two, you’ll have the opportunity for elements in your personality to emerge and be accepted by you.  And three, using Anthetic releasing statements (see our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic), you’ll get free from some self-condemnation and constrictedness.  Oh, and as an added dividend, you’ll get closeness with your partner.  So, be a Researcher!

Want more closeness?  There’s one word that will go a long way to producing it.  That word is–”Yes!”  In our work with couples and in our own relationship, we’ve discovered that saying “Yes” to easy-to-do requests is an important ingredient in closeness.  Why?  Because you’ll not only be making your partner happy by fulfilling their desires, you’ll be living from a caring part of yourself.  That’s a part who can empathize with your partner’s pleasure.  Now, to say Yes, you’re going to need to be free.  That is, free from psychological blocks such as self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.  In short, you’ll need to get free from your Inner Critic’s condemnation of your surrendering to love.*  So, today, listen to your partner’s requests.  Then, try saying, “Yes!”  Closeness will be your reward.

*For more on getting free from blocks to closeness, read Disarming Your Inner Critic, by James Elliott & Kathryn Elliott, available here on our sidebar and at amazon.com.

There’s no getting around it.  Conflict is going to happen in your relationship.  So, how do you cope?  Low-Voltage partners usually rely on one of three options: fighting, submitting, or distancing.  They have to avoid closeness, because they lack skills.  If they get too close, they often end up in a bitter argument.  That’s a combat relationship–one where verbal attacks have become accepted as normal.  High-Voltage couples, on the other hand, have learned skills for successfully resolving conflict.  That creates a safe haven.  Safe enough to talk about anything, especially feelings.  How can you tell if you’re creating a safe haven?  You’ll enjoy emotional closeness, soft-heartedness, and love.  It all comes down to a basic values choice: Do you choose a safe haven or a combat zone?

Here’s a tip for how to recognize your soulmate:  There’s a realization; in fact, a revelation that will emerge in your mind.  You’ll marvel, “I have never loved like this before.”  I know Jim and I each wrote those words to each other during the first six months of our relationship.  Oh, you may have loved before; even deeply.  But the love you feel for your soulmate is deeper yet.  It’s at the soul level, deeper than you’ve ever been.  It will have an element of surprise and even awe for you.  It must be mutual, of course, for the relationship to develop.  And, you’ll need skills–like the ones we teach.  With such soulmate love and the skills for creating closeness, you’ll be well on your way to ecstasy.

“Well, I carved out this time for myself–no responsibilities–now what do I do?”  Here’s the key:  Tap your Natural Self.  That means getting in touch with what sparks you.  You can sit quietly to access it or you can wander around aimlessly.  The point is pay attention to your inner world.  Does a little thought enter you mind, “Ooh, that might be interesting”?  That’s a spark.  Does a stronger impulse nudge at you, “Oh my gosh, that would be so wonderful to do”?  That’s a spark too.  If you’re a couple, tell each other, “You know what?  I’d like to….  Would you join me?”  We have one more suggestion:  Connect.  With your feelings.  Share those feelings about yourself, about life, about each other–with each other.  In short, follow those sparks!  You’ll cure boredom.  You’re sure to enjoy the day.

Permeable.  It means literally “having pores or openings that liquids or gases can pass through” (Webster’s Dictionary).  It’s a good word to describe the quality needed to have a high-voltage soulmate relationship.  Being open to each other.  Letting in concepts, feelings, and of course, love.  I wrote Jim in my love letter two weeks after we met, “Your permeability idea is beautiful.  Yes, we are permeable to each other.  Yes, it is a joy.”  To be permeable, you’ll need to assess that your partner relates to you in an accepting, non-judgmental, loving, caring way.  Once you see that they are those things, you can open yourself.  It will be bliss.

“Are you going to put that much salt in the stew?”  Jim asked me.  I puffed up defensively.  “I’ve been cooking this dish for years!  I’ve always put this much salt.”  I was proud of being a good cook.  So, I was ready for an argument when Jim asked his question.  I know I’m not alone in this.  There’s also, “I’m proud of my ability to make money;” “I’m proud of how I keep house;” even “I’m proud of being a caring person.”  While pride may seem like a worthy goal, it can also have some drawbacks.  Because pride is a buffer.  Something that props up our self-esteem.  We rely on it to keep our Inner Critic at bay.  And there’s the problem.  We’ll defend the object of our pride to the death.  If we didn’t have that buffer, we’d feel all the pain the Inner Critic can inflict:  “You’re imperfect.”  “You’re defective.”  In fact, “You’re inferior.”  That’s why we’ll argue about it with out partner.  Want to nip that argument in the bud?  1) Recognize that your defensiveness is a clue that this item is not just something you like about yourself.  It’s a buffer.  2) See that there’s an Inner Critic should attached to it.  For example, “I should be a perfect cook.”  3) Get free from obeying the should.  Say to your Inner Critic, “I have the right to be an imperfect cook.  In fact, a bad cook!”  Do these things, and peace will reign in your house.  Not only that, you might learn a thing or two from your partner.