Soulmate Skills

It’s New Year’s Eve.  An archetypal moment.  At its heart, it’s about being on the cusp of change.  Jim and I are meditating on our New Year’s Eve 22 years ago.  It was 1988.  I was getting on a plane in my home town to fly to San Jose, California.  What I knew was that I was on my way to start my doctoral program.  What I didn’t know was that I was headed to the fulfillment of my destiny.  Likewise for Jim.  He was starting to pack for the following week’s event–his inaugural doctoral program event.  What he didn’t know was that it would also be the realization of his heart’s desire.  That doctoral program was going to be the nexus for our meeting.  We just marvel:  “Little did we know that we were about to find each other.”  Perhaps you too have had moments like that.  Perhaps this New Year’s Eve you are on the cusp of change.

We want to talk about some pretty core insecurities we’ve dealt with in ourselves.  (Our therapy clients have admitted struggling with these too.)  Kathryn: “I think my thighs are too fat!”  Jim: “Do girls really like semen?”  Because Jim and I wanted as much closeness as possible, we explored these shameful areas with each other.  What we discovered is that when you love someone with a high-voltage soulmate love, you embrace all parts of your partner.  What has been rejected by previous partners is enfolded by your soulmate.  So, Jim told me, “I love your thighs.”  I told him, “I treasure your semen.  It can be my steady diet!”  Our acceptance of each other is a product of two things:  Utter valuing of each other and getting free from any judgmentalism that society can install in us.  You can have these too.

Jim looked uncomfortable in his bed yesterday.  I asked him, “Are you in pain?”  His answer:  “My hambone hurts!”  Me:  “Do you mean your bottom?”  He: “Yes.”  I said, “You are so cute!  You make me laugh.”  That got me thinking about how much I love Jim’s sense of humor. He’s made me laugh every day of our marriage.  And I’m not the only woman who likes this in a man.  Research shows that in the top five things women like in a man, humor is #2.  (Being powerful is #1.)  So, men, cultivate the skill of making her laugh.  She’ll love you for it.

Since his stroke disabled the left side of his body, Jim’s right arm has been doing all the loving.  When I first greet him in the morning, I say, “You’re my James.  I’m your Kathryn.  And I love you with all my heart.”  He reaches for me with his right arm and holds me tight and pats and pats and pats me.  I love it.  Yesterday, when he woke up, Jim said to me, “I like pats too!”  So, as we sat together last night, I patted and patted and patted him.  He loved it.  Our point is what you give your partner in the way of affection and love may very likely be what you would love to receive.  You just need to do like Jim did:  Tell your partner.  That’s the thing that makes a high-voltage relationship so satisfying.  You think it.  You feel it.  You voice it.

We began our relationship with a commitment to having as much closeness as possible.  As our marriage developed over the last twenty-one years, we discovered a skill that’s essential for having closeness at holiday gift-giving time.  That skill is honesty.  What we learned was that being honest with each other about what we like and don’t like, whether food items, gifts, or activities, is what creates closeness.  And I (Kathryn) learned it the hard way.  I tried to do the conventional holiday attitude; that is, dishonesty in the guise of niceness.  And what I learned is that all that gets you is distance.  If you’d like the read the story behind this, click on our “Twigs” tab for the shower nozzle story.  If you want closeness, you’ll need to say, “I choose honesty over distance and over avoiding an argument.  We’ll learn how to neutrally tell each other what we honestly like and dislike.”

It’s December 22.  They’re reminding us, “Only three more days till Christmas.”  It’s enough to get you feeling frantic.  Have I bought enough?  We want to help you with this.  First, recognize that the holidays offer our Inner Critic a perfect opportunity to impose shoulds on us.  You know those thoughts and feelings that surround Christmas: gift shoulds, relationship shoulds, activity shoulds.  As we say in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, you have to realize the Inner Critic only has power if you believe it.  So our guidance to you this holiday is, Shed the Shoulds!  For starters, take back your rights:  “I have the right not to buy anything else.”  “I have the right not to visit; not to stay longer than I want.”  “I have the right only to do what gives me pleasure.”  There.  You’re on your way to peace.

We want to alert you to a stumbling block that could color your Christmas with unhappiness.  It’s the problem of symbolic surprise expectations.  These are those almost universal longings in us that get triggered at holiday gift time.  We secretly want our spouse, partner, parent, relatives, or friends to automatically know the longings of our heart for a certain gift.  We don’t tell them what we most want.  And that’s the problem.  Because as we unwrap our presents, that item isn’t there!  And we feel deeply disappointed.  What is this about?  It’s our hurt inner child.  It comes on stage at Christmas and drives us to want the beholding and love we never got as children.  Problem is when we try to get what we want by wishing, hoping, and not telling anyone what we want, we are trapped in trying to symbolically fulfill those old longings.  But people more often than not don’t know what we deeply long for.  Unless we tell them.  Next problem:  Our inner child doesn’t want to have to say it!  The child in us wants to be surprised, because then it means they beheld us.  More symbolism.  How do you get out of the pain of symbolic surprises?  The key is to choose to live from personal power.  Become conscious of your symbolic surprise pattern.  Make the choice no longer to be a silent, disempowered child.  Instead, make neutral requests for what you want.  And tell the gift-giver how important it is to you.  But what if there’s no one in your life now to be that gift-giver?  Give it to yourself!  With an attitude of love and indulgence.  You can be the loving adult in your own life.  Let the surprise this Christmas be the experience of living from your own power!

There is a fundamental principle that is the antidote to holiday blues: You have power!  We mean personal power to create the holiday for which you long.  You are an adult.  You have the power to do just what you want to do.  Realize this and exercise your power to give yourself pleasure.  Follow your sparks.  Whether it’s making popcorn balls or feeding the squirrels or going to a Christmas concert or simply calling a friend, when you follow even the tiniest spark that promises pleasure, your holiday blues will begin to diminish.  You’ll warm your own soul.  We wish you an experience of your own power today.

Holiday blues can hit anybody.  We want to offer the antidote: Soak up the love that surrounds you.  By this we mean, let in the love of the people in your world who love you unconditionally.  Focus on how much they value and love you instead of those people who undervalue you.  Open your eyes to the look of love on their faces.  Let in their words of kindness.  Relax into the warmth of their hugs.   I got to experience this yesterday.  It was a day of celebrating–commencement day at the university where I teach.  As fellow faculty and graduating students talked and hugged, I just basked in all the love we share.  But what’s interesting is that after the ceremony I ran errands.  As I went from store to store, people were so friendly, sharing greetings and little warm comments.  I let in that love too.  So, don’t miss it this holiday season.  There’s love all around.  Jim and I want to tell you that our unconditional love goes out to you this holiday.  We want you to bask in it.

Christmas Ghosts.  We’re talking about the old feelings of defectiveness and inferiority that get triggered when you’re around family and old friends for the holidays.  One that’s on our minds today:  “I have to prove to them I’m good.”  Variations on this theme:  “I have to prove I’m not inferior.”  “I have to show them what I’ve made of myself so they’ll respect me.”  We want to assure you this is just Inner Critic stuff.  Whether or not those folks are being judgmental toward you, it’s your Inner Critic that’s delivering the emotional pain you feel around them.  Feeling flawed and less-than come straight from that inner torturer.  Now that we’ve given you the label for those feelings, apply it.  Everytime you feel the chill of those old ghosts, say, “That’s just my Inner Critic.  I have the right not to prove anything to anybody.  My worth is a given; not an item to be proved.”  We wish you free and happy holidays!