Soulmate Skills

“Come on full blast, girl.  You will never overwhelm me with wanting to be with me.  For I want to be with you as much as you want to be with me.”  Jim wrote that to me in March, 1989, just one month after we met.  We want to encourage you with these words.  Many of you may have been with a partner who didn’t want as much closeness as you do.  Who said, “Back off” rather than “Bring it on.”  That’s a clear sign that you’re with someone who is a voltage mismatch for you.  If you want high-voltage connection; that is, a lot of emotional closeness and sharing the full power of your inner selves, here’s the test:  If you indicate that you want a lot of closeness, they’ll respond like Jim did:  “My heart’s desire is the same as yours.  I want to be together as much as possible.”  They might even add, as Jim did, “I welcome being overwhelmed by your sweet presence.”

If you’re a procrastinator, you’re in good company.  Many, many people are.  Even if it’s only an occasional problem for you, it’s one that’s almost universal at one time or other in people’s lives.  Puzzled?  Here’s the secret:  It’s your Inner Critic.  When your Inner Critic is strong, procrastinating may be the only way you can resist its pressure.  One more thing:  you may be thinking you should do this thing you’re avoiding, but deep inside, your Natural Self does not want to do it at all.  Yet, your Inner Critic has you in its grip, so that you can’t attend to what your Natural Self is telling you.  There’s more too–more than we have space to explain here.  In our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, we cover in detail how to get free from procrastinating.  It’s our mission to help you get free.  Then your motivational energy can flow.  Procrastination will no longer be a problem for you.

Where is God in soulmate love?  We pondered this as our love grew and developed.  Jim wrote his thoughts to me in April 1989:  “Surely, God flows through us.  We express God to each other.  He is intertwined with us?  He energizes our sexual experiences and praises our boldness?  He unfolds in us; yes.  We have to let him into our lives.  He shares in our joys, both sexual and other.  He is quite intimate with us.”  Jim’s groping words captured that we didn’t receive this as dogma.  We were experiencing this:  that a benevolent God was with us.  God was in the thick of it with us.  Observe your own soulmate journey.  See if God isn’t in it with you.

It’s bound to happen.  Somewhere along the path of your relationship, your partner will feel some insecurity.  It might be externally triggered–like by a flirtatious other.  Or it might be internally generated–like by an old hurt that resurfaces.  You might feel puzzled how to handle it.  Jim knew just what to do:  Effusive Reassurance.  Here are his words to me in his April 1989 letter:  “I sensed your insecurity during our telephone conversation this morning.  I want to tell you again in no uncertain terms, without any equivocation whatever.  I want only you.  No other woman.  Ever.  You are woman enough for me.  There’s no need for anything else.  You are complete for me.  But anyway, I’m committed to monogamy and fidelity.  It’s the only thing that seems to work.  We need the focus of our fusion generator  ‘Openness’ dissipates our sexual energies.  Not only that, it endangers our relationship.  I want to safeguard it against any threat.”  That fabulous man assured me two fundamental things that set my mind to rest:  1)  He held the value of exclusiveness in our relationship.  And he had a good reason–he wanted to vouchsafe we’d have as much closeness as possible.  2) He valued me above all others.  I was it.  So, those elements are what you’ll need to include in your response to your partner’s insecurity.  They’re powerfully reassuring.

“Silence is golden”–It’s one of those sayings you have to critique.  What’s wrong with it?  It’s a way that partners act out their emotional pain.  It’s often a way of evading making a response that would feel humiliating.  It’s a way of ignoring your partner.  At some level, it’s meant to hurt.  This all adds up to that it’s disrespectful.  And it’s uncaring.  So, beware of silence.  It will kill closeness.  Instead, report the pull to be silent.  Say, “I have a pull to be silent, but I’m not going to go there.”  Instead, talk about your pain.  For example, “I’m feeling hurt.  I have a request.  There’s something I want from you.”  In other words, keep talking to each other, but from your vulnerability.  It will maintain closeness.  It will keep your love alive.  And it will feel a lot better.

Ugh!  I should not have eaten those spicy shrimp last night.  They made me sick.  It’s not the first time I’ve felt ill in our marriage.  Each time Jim has been true to his promise that he would attend to my slightest qualm.  Even now, as he is bedridden by a severe stroke, he’s there for me.  I rested my head on his shoulder and told him how I felt.  He took my hand in his and held it tightly.  I felt his incredible strength and succorance toward me.  It is a great gift not to have to be self-sufficient in the face of physical challenges.  Soulmates say:  “You are my refuge and my comfort.”

Yesterday, I got upset.  It was a day packed with stresses.  I needed soothing and support.  I knew where to turn.  I talked to my soulmate.  Jim wasn’t feeling well, but I said, “Sweetheart, I’m troubled.”  And I dived in.  I confided in him and asked him for guidance.  He, even though weak from illness, nodded or shook his head to guide me in the things I told him I was considering doing.  Then I asked him, “Is my sharing this with you upsetting to you?”  He shook his head, “No.”  That’s how soulmates are.  When they’re upset, they turn to each other.  It’s what keeps you close.

“Mama, I think I’m in love.”  That’s what I told my mother just a month into knowing Jim.  It was a big deal for me to make that announcement to her, because I had learned from teen years to have shame about loving.  That didn’t matter anymore.  I was bursting with the news that I had found my soulmate.  Jim, too, couldn’t contain his excitement:  “I tell everyone about you–my dentist yesterday; a colleague.”  When you find your soulmate love, you’ll want to share it with everybody.  That love is so powerful it overcomes normal social reticence and even old psychological pain.  You won’t be able to stop talking about your love.

I’d had a boy sing a love song to me in front of my whole family.  I’d even had a man rescue me from the near-death of a Gulf of Mexico riptide.  But I had never had a man love me with a mythic love.  That’s one that embodies the ideal of love.  Then Jim came.  Listen to what he wrote me:  “I will not leave you; I will not abandon you; I will be there for you whenever you want; whenever you crook your little finger at me and give me your sweet smile, I will come running!  I will stand with you in any crisis, any adversity.  By your side–supporting you with my male strength, being in close communion with you, seeing you through whatever comes.  Fighting for you.  Battling those who would hurt you.  I will be your knight in shining armor, your brave rescuer, your prince charming, the wise magician who casts spells for your safety and happiness.  Oh, Kathy, I will slay hundreds of dragons for you!  I will do all the romantic things that men can do for the women they love.  You are my treasure!”  Now, that’s the love that won my heart; that fulfilled my deepest longings.  You can have that too.  Just do as Jim did: Release the mythic lover in yourself.  It will be legendary.

If you have a soulmate heart, you risk being vulnerable in relationships.  So, it’s vital that your partner treat your vulnerability with tenderness.  Jim addressed this in his February 1989 letter to me:  “I feel so honored that you are trusting to put in my care the tender, precious parts of yourself.  I know what it means, and the importance of it.  I am so glad that I can welcome them and know them for the precious treasures that they are, and cherish them.  You can say or write ANYTHING to me, the most vulnerable and scary things, and I will receive them with awe and love and perfect acceptance.”  In the unconditional love that he gave me, I went deeper into revealing myself.  And we  have crafted our high-voltage relationship.  As you’re soulmate questing, be listening for an attitude like Jim’s in your partner.  It’s the attitude you’ll both need for intense closeness.