Soulmate Skills

Ever been at a loss for words?  It’s a pivotal moment in an intimate relationship.  You can freeze up.  That will produce distance.  Or you can put your loss for words into words!  Listen to what Jim did in his March 1989 letter:  “I am at a loss for words.  I love you so much I can hardly stand it.”  With that report of his feelings, I felt close to him.  So, here’s another skill for creating high-voltage closeness:  Speak what you’re feeling.  Even if it’s that you’re inarticulate.  When you do that, your partner will have a window into your inner world.  You will be heart-connected.

“Can I really be close to him?  Can I trust him?  Can I really call him?  Dare I ask him for things?”  Those are questions I asked myself about Jim, then dived in and followed through on each one.  Jim wrote in January 1989: “I want us to take even more risks–say things about which we might think, ‘Oh, I couldn’t say that!’ Risk making mistakes.  Risk triggering stuff in the other person (because we’re willing to work on it if it comes up). ”  How can soulmates do this?  By a commitment to talk about their feelings.  Jim continued:  “Now, if you ever feel uncomfortable with anything I say or write, I want you to tell me.  I’d like an agreement from you that you will tell me of any negative reactions you have.  Okay?”  So, I did.  And, because I risked, and he risked, and we talked about our feelings, we got more and more closeness.  And you will too.

I just discovered this thought tucked away in a binder.  It’s something Jim said to me on a day when I was discouraged.  I want to share it with you:  “When you’re doubting the goodness and purpose of your life, because of sickness or other challenges, remember:  Your life has been a flow of your own efforts at fulfilling your Natural Self + miraculous interventions by the Universe (in my case, meeting Jim at Asilomar).  My life is being watched over and guided by a powerful benevolent force who opens windows of opportunity at amazing times.  There is Divine Order, and I am in it.”  We hope this encourages and comforts you, as it does me.

The cold shoulder.  It means deliberately being cold and unsympathetic.  It’s chilling to even think of it.  It happens when one partner doesn’t value the other or is so blocked by anger or fear, they’re driven to be uncaring.  Jim wrote me in April 1989, “In other relationships, I asked for things I ask you, and I got a cold shoulder.”  My valuing of Jim was so huge and my love was so profound that I never thought of not responding to or rejecting him.  And that’s how soulmate love feels.  When you find your soulmate, you won’t get the cold shoulder.  You’ll get the warmth of open arms.

“Remember waking up in the night, hugging each other, your soft flesh curving into mine, fitting together as though God had made them for that purpose?”  Jim wrote that after our first sexual communion.  I’ve often thought about how perfectly we physically fit together.  The image I have is of a pinball falling right into its hole.  I’d never felt that “rightness” before.  It was like coming home.  And we’re not the only ones who say that.  We’ve heard other people say, “Anywhere you are is home to me.”  That seems to be another thing to look for in a soulmate:  Do I feel so comfortable, so safe with this person that it feels like I have, after a long journey to distant places, found home?  If you have been blessed to have found that, savor it today.  It is a gift.

Do you find feedback from your partner hard to handle?  I did.  Jim had to teach me a skill for responding to feedback.  I’m passing it on to you.  Instead of getting angry or defensive when someone tells you something they observe about you; for example, “Are you feeling angry?”, you can say, “Not that I’m aware of.  Let me think about that.”  Equipped with this skill, you can stop automatically rejecting feedback.  Once you look at yourself with this attitude of curiosity, you can expand your self-knowledge–and your self-acceptance.

Does strength mean being aggressive and dominating?  No.  “Strength is being able to confront conflict and deep feelings; listening to the other’s pain; not abandoning the one you love when the going gets rough.” That’s how Jim explained it in his letter to me of March, 1989.  When you’re soulmate questing, look for someone who exhibits this strength.  It will show as you share your feelings.  For you soulmates, keep growing in strength as you confront the intensities of feeling your partner exhibits.  As I said in my wedding vows, “Stand with the pain until you get through to the other side.”

Is it okay to ask for reassurance when you’re in a relationship?  Short answer:  Absolutely!  If you want emotional closeness, you need to state your need for reassurance, and your partner needs to respond.  Here’s how Jim spoke about it in his letter to me in March, 1989:  “Because our love is so powerful, each of us will have an ongoing struggle throughout the rest of our lives with, on the one hand, wanting to merge and fuse with the other, and on the other hand, disengaging and recovering our self.  This will be a continual refrain in our loving.  We must be prepared for it and recognize it when it happens.  The danger is that if one person is disengaging, the other person may feel painfully abandoned.  We may need the other to quickly soothe the seemingly abandoned inner child.  Maybe all this will take will be a smile across the room. Or a brief touch or hug, or kiss.  Or by a reassuring note, perhaps one that says, ‘I may make new friends, but I will never leave you, because you are so precious to me and will always be special.’  As far as I’m concerned it is ALWAYS okay to ask for reassurance at any time.  I am willing to go a very long way to safeguard our relationship’s depth, to brace it with tactical measures that give it a supportive context within which it can flourish.”  And there you have it.  When you’ve found your soulmate, you want to protect and support that relationship.  Giving reassurance is essential.

Bedtime stories.  It was a childhood pleasure for many of us.  A one-on-one time of connection with our parent or caregiver.   There’s something in this cherished ritual for us to use in enhancing our adult intimate relationship.  We’ve been thinking about what made it so special and have identified 3 ingredients:  1) Focused verbal communication from your loved one to you; 2) content that captivates your interest; 3) feedback about what you liked and didn’t like in the story.  Jim and I have had car seminars, couch seminars, and patio seminars throughout our marriage–Jim choosing an article from magazines or books and reading them to me.  Then our discussing them, critiquing them, sharing what we liked about them.  It’s a great pleasure.  Try it.  Mealtime, after-work, bedtime.  There was something heart-fulfilling about those bedtime stories.  Make them part of your relationship.  Your communication will deepen.  Closeness will grow.

How will you recognize your soulmate?  It’s easy to let your heart run ahead of you.  It’s full of hope and love.  But you’ll need clear thinking.  Jim’s letter to me written Feb. 27, 1989 offers three principles by which you can be guided.  He wrote:  “Here’s a list of things I treasure about you, things I value you for, things you give that are such that I would never leave you.”  Then he went on to enumerate 13 qualities I had.  Perhaps hearing some of them will help you with your list.  They included my spirituality; that I was in the same field of work as he; that I was willing to work on stuff; that I took the initiative.  The message we can take from Jim’s principles is that your soulmate will have specific traits, identifiable by you as very highly valuable.  Not someone you’re lukewarm about.  Your soulmate will be your treasure.