Soulmate Skills

It was one month into our long-distance relationship.  Jim was facing a fearful moment; something that, in the past, would have been quite intimidating to him.  He wrote me these words:  “As I faced this, the following thought came to me out of the blue: I am wrapped in the enfolding love of my beloved; there is nothing here to fear.”  Love is like that.  An enfolding blanket that comforts and empowers us.  If you’re soulmate questing, look for someone whose love has that enfolding quality.  Someone who soothes and sources power to you.  If you’re in a soulmate relationship, feel the comfort and courage available to you.  When you face something fearful, you have the antidote.

Transformative change.  We’ve said before that it’s the gift of high-voltage soulmate relationships.  What is transformative change?  It’s essentially about getting free.  That means having psychological distance from any inner figures that cause you pain.  For example, a prideful part of yourself that resists feedback; that says, “Nobody’s going to change me.  I am what I am!”  As you step away from such figures and look at their impact on your life, you can then direct what part, if any, you want them to play in your relationships.  In this way, you’ll no longer be driven by inner figures that sabotage your goal of closeness.  You’ll be free to create your life in the way that brings you happiness and fulfillment.  Now, that’s transformative change.

“Before us lies the huge continent of our relationship, which we are exploring bit by bit.  What a delightful prospect!”  Jim wrote this to me in February, 1989, only one month after we had met.  I love the imagery of it, and wanted to pass it on to you.  When it comes to relationships, it can be a wonderful experience of discovery–day after day.  To do that, you need to keep revealing yourselves to each other more and more.  Here’s a simple exploring tool, and it’s a reliable one:  Ask each other frequently, “What are you feeling?”  That is a world all its own.  So, we invite you to follow our lead.  Be explorers!

Have you ever heard, “Don’t push me.  I can’t express love on demand”?  That’s purely a defensive statement.  Its goal is to protect against threats to a sense of independence.  Such rigid self-sufficiency leads to distance and loneliness.  We support your freedom.  But in a new way.  Get free from your Inner Critic shoulds first.  For example, “I have the right not to express love.”  And, ‘I have the right to express love.” Most important, “Just because I express love doesn’t mean I have to do anything else.”  Once free, you can be flexible.  You can value closeness.  And–you can express love on demand.  It’s a pleasure we don’t want you to miss.

Giving the benefit of the doubt.  Seeing it from their perspective.  Softening your heart.  All of these form an attitude of good will toward your partner.  They’re in contrast to suspiciousness, demonizing, and hardening your heart.  Choosing the latter is a temptation when we’re hurting or angry.  It is a choice.  And what we choose is what we get.  Choose good will today.  And if you’re soulmate questing, choose a partner who values good will as much as you do.

“I’ve surveyed your mind, body, and spirit.  And over all I see I cast my strong male look of approval.”  Jim spoke those words to me early in our relationship.  They became part of his wedding vows to me.  His approval was profound for me.  He had come to know me.  My history.  My flaws.  Still he looked at me with approval.  It took his living by the values of non-judgmentalism, love, and empathy.  Then he drew from a deep spiritual place in himself, and, in effect, blessed me.  It was fabulous.  You can do this for each other too.  Behold one another.  Empathize with one another.  Speak words of approval today.

We threw a Father’s Day party for Jim last weekend.  One of our friends walked in with a big cake box.  As she turned it toward us, we could see through the cellophane window.  There, baked into the creamy white icing:  Jim’s and my wedding picture!  The words above it read, “Happy Father’s Day, Jim.”  That was a stunning surprise.  I’m still savoring it.  What an act of love and beholding.  Our friend wanted to honor Jim, but she also wanted to celebrate our love.  We felt that Jim’s specialness and our soulmate relationship was so important, she’d want to bake it on top of the cake.  Now it has me thinking to ask you:  Who would you honor enough to put their face on a cake?  It’s an extravagant expression of love.  Delicious!

Has anyone ever told you, “You analyze things too much”?  And have you read, “Don’t ask ‘why-questions’?”  And did you feel self-doubt; even guilt?  Well, we want to say a word of liberation to you:  You don’t analyze too much!  We take the position that people don’t ask nearly enough why-questions.  When you ask yourself “Why was I touchy just now?  Why was I defensive?” you’re taking the step not to function on automatic; instead to live your life in a conscious way.  Then when you ask your partner, why-questions, you’re actually requesting that they explore any machinery that might be driving their attitudes and behaviors.  One more thing:  You can then ask why-questions about your relationship.  For example, “Why are we fighting so much?”  And that will lead to emotional closeness.  That’s the path to High-Voltage relating.

“You won’t let me be me.”  “I feel like I’m being punished.”  “You won’t let me have my feelings.”  Statements such as these indicate you’re feeling like a victim.  Although you may feel like blaming someone else for your situation, each of these statements points to your own power giveaway.  The one to whom you’re giving your power away is your Inner Critic.  To take back your power, you’ll need to take back your rights to do, be, and feel what your Inner Critic has forbidden.  For example, to take back your power when you’re thinking, “You won’t let me have my feelings,” say to your Inner Critic, “I have the right to have my feelings.  In fact, all my feelings.”  As you get free from your Inner Critic, you’ll realize you have equal power with your partner (or anyone else).  And that’s the basis for a good relationship.*

*See p. 124 in Disarming Your Inner Critic for more on victim feelings.  It’s availabe on our Products page of this website and at amazon.com.

Ever thrown a tantrum?  Cried when you needed to speak rationally?  That’s a little child part of you that lacks impulse control.  It’s a part that feels that others have personal power, but it doesn’t.  So it resorts to dramatic emotional outbursts to try to get people to do what it wants.  Of course, we pay a price for this.  It makes us miserable and creates distance in our relationships.  What to do?  Say to yourself, “Just because I have an impulse doesn’t mean I have to act on it.”  This will help you disengage from that reactive child part.  Then you’ll be in shape for the closeness of a high-voltage relationship.