Soulmate Skills

They’re everywhere.  Those buffers.  When we one-up somebody, that’s a buffer.  When we put someone down, that’s a buffer.  When we have the last word, that’s a buffer, too.  We could list hundreds more.  But you get the picture.  Anything can be used as a buffer.  The one qualification is that it compensates for our supposed badness.  We all walk around with an inner critic that tells us we’re defective, guilty, and/or worthless.  And that is painful.  To get relief from that pain, we learn early in life that some things can be offered to the inner critic as proof we’re okay.  And for that moment, the inner critic is silenced.  Ah, relief!  But relying on buffers is no way to live.  There’s another way.  Get free from your Inner Critic.  Because the only reason it has power to cause pain is because we believe it!  To stop believing it, take back your right to be right where you are.  Now that’s relief.  In fact, that’s freedom.*

*For more on buffers, see p. 77f in Disarming Your Inner Critic.

Been defensive lately?  Wonder why?  It’s Pride.  You might think it’s a good thing.  But there’s a problem with pride.  It’s a buffer.  That’s our Anthetic Psychology term for anything that you rely on to feel good about yourself.  But that’s a fragile place to put your self-esteem.  There’s a different kind of self-esteem.  It comes from challenging your Inner Critic.  When you take back your rights to be exactly who you are, self-love and self-nurturing will flow.  The result:  You won’t need to defend yourself with your partner.  You’ll be able to listen non-defensively and just consider what they’re saying.  Wouldn’t that be sweet?*

*See p. 83 of Disarming Your Inner Critic, for more on pride and self-esteem.

Here’s something that needs to be crystal clear:  Once you are in touch with your feelings, what you do with them can make or break closeness.  Reporting them means talking about your feelings.  Acting out the feelings means you express them in order to have an impact on your partner.  Here are examples:  Reporting:  “I feel angry at you.”  Acting out:  “You’re a stupid jerk!”  Reporting is the path to closeness, involvement, and psychological growth.  Acting out will get you only distance and pain.  When should you act out your feelings to your soulmate?  Never.

“What are you feeling?”  It’s a fundamental question to use in order to create a high-voltage soulmate relationship.  Why swim around in this world of feelings?  Because talking about your feelings connects you in a depth way to your partner.  Instead of just bumping against the surfaces of each other, you reach inside your core and reveal who you are deep down.  And that’s going to create closeness.  Now, it’s going to take skills to handle those feelings.  That’s what we talked about here and will talk about much more.  So, if you want a soul connection with your partner, jump into this pool of feelings.  The water’s fine.

Jealousy is one of those squirmy feelings.  We want to help you get free from it.  Because we don’t want you to be in pain.  Here’s what jealousy is about:  your Inner Critic.  It’s primarily your Inner Critic telling you that you’re inferior to the other person your partner or friend is paying attention to.  And it may add that your partner is making a fool of you by being attentive to the other person.  Don’t believe it for an instant.  Your worth as a person is a given.  It’s not based on whether someone pays exclusive attention to you.  Nor on whether they pay attention to you at all.  Today don’t put your good feelings in the hands of someone else’s attending to you.*

*For more on getting free from jealousy, read our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, available on the Products page of this website and at amazon.com. 

Being part of the herd.  The family herd.  The schoolyard herd.  The workplace herd.  That way of life feels comfortable.  But it comes at a price.  The price is your own unique individuality.  There’s another option.  It’s to individuate; that is to become free.  Free to think your thoughts; to feel your feelings; to dream your dreams. Progressively free to access the potentials inside yourself; then to deploy those potentials whenever you choose.  So today try giving up your herd-mentality.  Who you are is a gift to the world.  And we want to know you.  What’s more, your soulmate will want to know you too.

“I’d like you to throw away those slacks.  I don’t care for them.”  That was something I asked Jim to do before we were even married.  He said he didn’t like that I called a bathroom  a “potty”; it made me sound too babyish.  Those were moments of honesty between us.  We did it, because we think honesty is important.  Here are two reasons why:  1) When you’re honest, your partner gets to know who you are.  2) It creates closeness.  So, if, like us, you want as much closeness and fulfillment as possible, be honest.

“Don’t you just love birthdays?”  “I love Christmas and all the holidays!”  Ever feel like a curmudgeon when you hear this?  Why do we feel aggravated by such high-spirited comments?  Because we feel pressured.  We don’t feel free.  We feel like we’re being told we should love those days.  When people have asked Jim, “What’s your favorite holiday?”  he’s always answered, “Arbor Day.” And that got him free from his Inner Critic should to love a particular day.  So if times like birthdays or anniversaries or holidays trigger your feeling put-upon, just say, “I have the right not to love it; not to celebrate it.”  Once free from the pressure, the love and celebration inside you can flow.*

*For more tips on getting free from pressures, Read our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, available her on our website Products page, and on Amazon.com.

I’m looking at two of the cutest dog pictures clipped from newspapers on the hutch above my computer.  Jim put them there.  He surprised me by taping them up for me to find.  He knows I love pups, so he knew it would give me pleasure.  I can look at them as I write any time I want.  And as I do, it does two things for me:  1)  It gives me a surge of well-being.  My beloved sees me.  And knows what I like.  And took the time to express it in a creative way.  2) I feel close to Jim all over again.  Jim keeps teaching us.  Behold your soulmate.  Then communicate that beholding in small gestures that you sense will give them pleasure.  They’re love notes in a creative form.

Lagniappe.  It’s a Cajun word for “something extra.”  And, boy, do you get lagniappe from a high-voltage relationship!  Because when you use the high-voltage skills we teach–like feedback, honest communication, and beholding–you’re going to wind up with not just a close relationship.  You’ll have transformative growth.  When your partner expresses not only what they love about you, but also what they don’t like about you, you’ll see things in yourself that you’d never see alone.  And they’ll be things you can benefit by changing.  So enjoy your lagniappe today.