Soulmate Skills

Today is a day that’s all about courage.  It’s Memorial Day–the day in the United States where we honor all those who have fought and died in service to our country.  We want to stand in respect and gratitude and honoring of them.  Of their risking their lives, and for so many, giving their lives.  An interesting thing though:  If you ask a hero what led them to act with such courage, they’ll more than likely say, “I did it for my buddies,” or “I did it for those I love.”  And those words contain the secret to where courage comes from.  It comes from love.  So, when it comes to having the courage to be close, look no farther than your own heart.  Where your love is, there you will find courage.

Sometimes in relationships it feels like we just have to withdraw.  Maybe in anger.  Perhaps in hurt.  But once we withdraw, all we get is loneliness.  And deeper pain.  Oh, sure, there’s some initial relief.  That’s because our anxiety goes down when we withdraw.  But, the pain is still there.  So, what can you do?  Connect.  Tell your partner through a labeling of your feelings:  “I’m feeling angry.  I’m feeling hurt.  I have an impulse to withdraw.”  That’s going to be the first step in keeping your soulmate love flowing.  So, if you’re soulmate questing, look for someone who connects by talking to you when they’re upset.  It’s connecting vs. withdrawing.  We do have a choice.

Note:  The Soulmate Skills Workshop: 21 Years of Honeymoon Bliss yesterday was wonderful.  Thank you to all who made it a warm learning experience.  Didn’t get to attend?  We’re going to offer a workbook and CD for you through this website.  Keep watching!

“I will love you forever.”  “Till the end of time.”  Those words gush forth when our relationships are new.  And at first we try to make love last by being nice.  We quickly find, however, that being nice is not enough.  High-voltage soulmates have as their primary goal, not longevity, but rather optimal relating.   That means talking about the relationship; talking about your feelings toward each other; using the relationship for personal growth.  It can be done.  Jim and I have spent the last 21 years developing the relationship skills that will keep you together forever.  You won’t want to be anywhere else but with your partner.  Because once you get a taste of this kind of closeness, the sweet pleasure of it can’t be beat anywhere else. 

Today’s the Day!!  Soulmate Skills Workshop:  1-3 pm, Anthetic Psychology Center, 3110 W. Pinhook Rd, Ste 101, Lafayette, LA.  We’ll teach you the skills that will help you find your soulmate and help you get started on the road to “together forever.”

You can keep the honeymoon alive.  But love is not enough.  It’s going to take skills.  Start with knowing what you want in an ideal partner.  Add skills for creating closeness; for turning arguments into a loving connection.   We’re going to give you 10 of those skills tomorrow in the Soulmate Skills Workshop.  Plus we’re going to give you a chance to practice them.  It’s going to be fun.  And loving.  Come and join us.  Saturday, May 29, 1-3 pm.  Anthetic Psychology Center, 3110 W. Pinhook Rd, Ste. 101, Lafayette LA 70508.  Call us at (337) 234-8221 with questions.  Or email us at soulmateskills@gmail.com.  ($65 per person, $125 per couple, 15% off to SoulmateSkills Facebook Fans).  Yes, you can keep that incredible love glowing.  We’ve done it.  We want to show you how.

It’s gonna happen.  That flood of feelings.  Whether from the excitement of packing for vacation or preparing for a wedding.  Or those challenging moments of dealing with a health crisis or a negative encounter with someone.  I’ve watched Jim deal with his stroke for two years–numerous hospitalizations, encounters with strangers, even life-threatening moments.  And through it all he’s maintained amazing equanimity.  Here’s how he does it:  He lives a psychologically principled life.  That means he chooses to not automatically give in to whatever pressures he’s feeling.  Instead, he tells himself, “This feeling is just a feeling; not a fact.”  He tells his Inner Critic, “I have the right to be right where I am.  I’m still a good person.  Just because I experience strong feelings doesn’t mean I have to do a damn thing.”  And he chooses to use rational thinking instead of emotion-driven impulsiveness.  Those principles are the foundation for a high-voltage soulmate relationship. 

Note:  Soulmate Skills Workshop this Saturday, May 29, 1-3 pm, Anthetic Psychology Center, Lafayette, LA.  Call (337) 234-8221 with any questions or to tell us you’re coming.  We’d love for you to be there.

Cosseting.  It’s a wonderful word.  It’s a verb that means “to treat as a pet lamb; to pamper.”  Early in our relationship when Jim would fly 2,000 miles to be with me, he would feel stress.  I would place a warm cloth on his head and hold it there while sitting close to him.  It would soothe him.  That’s when the cosseting started.  In our wedding vows, I promised to cosset him through the years.  We’re home from the hospital now.  Jim is stressed from all he’s been through.  I am cosseting him with hair stroking and snuggling.  He’s resting.  We all need cosseting from time to time.  So, soulmates, cosset each other.  And if you’re a soulmate quester, look for someone who loves to both give and receive cosseting. 

Note:  Have you put the SoulmateSkills Workshop on your to-do list?  It’s this Saturday, May 29, 1-3 pm at Anthetic Psychology Center, Lafayette, LA.  We’d love for you to join us.  Call us at (337) 234-8221 or email soulmateskills@gmail.com if you have questions.

My beloved Jim is in the hospital.  I’m there with him.  Wouldn’t be anywhere else.  Loving him.  Advocating for him.  Holding him.  He’s done the same for me in the past.  That’s what soulmates do.  My Jim, I will stand by you.

Ever found yourself loving someone who just won’t commit?  And you spend hours trying to understand.  On the surface, it looks like he (or she) is just stuck in a marriage they really don’t want to be in.  Or involved with someone else.  Or wanting to play the field.  Or unable to leave their parents.  But beneath the surface is where you have to look.  Inability or unwillingness to commit to you is usually driven by two things: 1) They are fused with the other person.  Emotionally attached.  Would feel too much pain if they stopped.  2) They undervalue you.  They don’t see your worth and value it highly enough to want to commit to you.  So given all this, why do you stay?  That’s driven too.  By your Inner Critic and your black hole.  Your black hole longs for love (as do we all).  Then your Inner Critic says you’re not worthy of someone who values you enough to commit.  And it adds, if you give up pursuing this person, you’ll never find anyone “as good.”  Today, you can step back from all this.  See the underpinnings of your pain.  And good news:  Get free!  We recommend you use this challenge:  I have the right to a relationship with someone who values me so highly they want to commit.  And Inner Critic, you can’t predict the future.  I refuse to trust your predictions that I won’t find anyone as good.  We’re supporting you all the way.

For more on understanding why we pick the wrong partner, see p.106 of Disarming Your Inner Critic.

“You love me as the ideal of how I want to be loved by a man.”  I wrote that to Jim in 1989.  I had never expected I could find anything close to the ideal man.  In fact, I had given up.  But you know what!  It didn’t matter.  He came anyway.  As I lived my life, risking to go where my Natural Self, my deep self wanted to go, he was there.  So, I say to you, follow your heart.  Do what lights sparks for you.  And be open to the one who fulfills your ideal of how you want to be loved.

Most of us do it.  As a child we put on a suit of armor.  It was to defend ourselves from pain.  The pain of our Inner Critic.  And the pain of others’ rejection of us.  So we armored ourselves with looking cool, not giving a damn, distancing.  Or with being so helpful and loving that they wouldn’t see we were in pain.  Now, as adults, that armor is clanking away in our relationships.  And causing all sorts of problems.  But you can dismantle the armor.  Piece by piece.  By challenging your Inner Critic messages.  As you become free, it may feel awkward at first.  You might even experience some anxiety.  That’s normal.  You’ve been cramped in that protective suit for years.  We want to assure you such feelings will pass.  And you’ll run free.*

For more on breaking free from armoring, see Ch. 6, Disarming Your Inner Critic.