Soulmate Skills

You know you’ve done it.  If not, you will.   It’s those relationship bloopers.  You say something negative on impulse to your partner or friend.  Maybe you said it out of anger.  Or frustration.  Or disempowerment.  And once you’ve said it, you see the hurt it triggered in your partner.  And you feel the distance between you that your comment caused.  You wish you could take it back.  But of course you can’t.  So, here’s what you can do.  And it’s so simple.  You say to your partner, “That was just my stuff.”  And that’s the truth.  Because negative comments really aren’t about your partner.  They’re about you and something that’s going on inside you.  Once you look at it, that blooper can blossom into freedom.  And growth.

Where should you look for your soulmate?  In network.  And out of network.  As we’ve reviewed our Facebook Soulmate Skills Fans’  love stories, we realize that some people meet their soulmates close to home; right in their intimate social network.  Through relatives or friends or work.  Others, like Jim and me, had to go very far out of network to meet the love of their life.  I flew 2,000 miles to a doctoral program, and there met Jim.  You just never know.  So, if you’re soulmate questing, be flexible.   And keep your eyes open.  Your soulmate might be in network.  Or out of network.

“Every little thing you do I notice.  Notice and take delight in.  Even your unlatching our seat belt in the car.”  Those were words Jim wrote me in an early letter.  They remind me that there is exquisite pleasure in being sensitive to little moments of connection; of niceness; of love; of beauty.  We sometimes let our senses get dulled.  So, soulmate lovers, take in every little thing today about each other.  Then speak it.  And soulmate questers, add sensitivity to your criteria list.  Live today awake to love and connection.

“Would it be fair to ask for this?”  That’s a common question we’re asked.  We say, “Don’t be guided by fairness.  That will lead you into a swamp of bookkeeping in your relationship.  You’ll end up thinking things like, ‘They’re asking for too much!’ or ‘I shouldn’t ask for this.’”  Instead, ask for everything.  But tell your partner, “Please do it only if you freely choose.”  Now, you’re being guided by inner freedom.  And that’s an essential ingredient for high-voltage closeness.

Plop!  That’s the sound a rock makes when you throw it into the water.  Then all returns to silence.  And it’s also the term we use for a particular communication gap.  You know when you’ve said something and the other person is silent?  Plop.  In order to produce closeness, you’ll need to avoid plops.  Instead, come to grips with what your partner says.  Not use cliches.  Not respond to only part of what your partner says.  When you respond in a thoughtful way, you’ll produce involvement.  And closeness.  That’s the essence of high-voltage soulmate relating.  And it’s one more test for you soulmate questers to use.  When I speak to this person, does it produce plops?  Or do I receive an involved response?

Is there love at first sight?  We’ve had so many long-married people tell us they knew the first time they saw each other that this was the one.  And there’s no doubt that Jim and I felt that powerful attraction to each other at first sight.  But what we say is, even if there is that powerful attraction, you still have to check two things out:  1) Do they meet your criteria? and 2) Your own motivation.  Is this attraction driven by your replay machinery?  Meaning, is this one more pain-filled attempt to get the love you didn’t get from your earliest relationships?  Once the attraction has passed these two tests, then your love-at-first-sight may well be your soulmate.   Now you can welcome the magic.

It’s a common question:  Is there only one soulmate in all the world for me?  Our answer is:  We don’t know.  But what we do know is that you can find and create a high-voltage soulmate relationship.  Here are the steps:  First, create your criteria list.  For someone who is a twin to you–so closely matched in voltage desires, values, and interests that they’re like a twin.  Second, do what gives you pleasure.  There your soulmate will likely be.  And if providence or divine intervention happens, accept and be grateful.  Third, once you’ve found them, choose emotional closeness and love as primary values.  And let those values guide your conversations and behavior.  Fourth, use high-voltage communication skills for managing the intensity, honesty, and stuff that will get triggered.  Finally, enjoy the bliss.  Because, when you follow these steps, you will craft that soulmate bond.

“I can’t say that!”  Have you ever thought that?  It’s so easy to shut down in relationships.  So they won’t go away.  Or to try to make the honeymoon last.  But that won’t work.  It’s a wrong turning.  Why?  Because it doesn’t lead to closeness.  In fact, it leads to distance.  Much better to risk speaking your voice.  Talk about your feelings, your desires, your thoughts.  Also the impact what your partner is doing is having on you.  Make a lot of requests.  Always with a loving tone, of course.  Once you’ve spoken your voice, you and your partner can address the content; handle requests; negotiate.  You’re each more likely to get what gives you pleasure.  And that’s how to make the honeymoon last.

Did you take to heart yesterday’s Thought for the Day to stop blaming?  And are you wondering, “So now how do I stay connected when I’m upset?”  Here’s what to do:  Vulnerability Talk.  It’s talking from the layer of feelings that are underneath your negativity toward your partner.  Vulnerability talk includes talk about your fear, hurt feelings, feeling gypped, guilt feelings, and neediness.  It’s the kinds of feelings our Inner Critic typically condemns as weak.  Vulnerability talk is not for sissies.  It ’s often scary and requires heroic bravery.  But it forms the solid and courageous foundation for a high-voltage soulmate relationship.  You can use it as a test too.  If someone zings you for vulnerability talk, they’ve just flunked your test.  So, soulmate questers, be courageous!  Do vulnerability talk.

She said, “People said we couldn’t sustain happiness, but we are.”  I said, “How do you account for that?”  Her answer:  “We talk a lot.  About everything that’s going on between us.  And if something one of us is doing isn’t going right, we know it’s never ill-intended.  I don’t see him as having malice.”  Wow!  That’s the right attitude.  Because seeing each other as the enemy will erode a relationship.  And blaming each other will kill it.  So, keep monitoring your attitude.  Because soulmates don’t blame each other.  They see each other as a good person.