Soulmate Skills

High-Voltage Relating = Happiness.  It’s an equation we’ve experienced in our relationship for 21 years.  And we’ve watched it work for others in our therapy practice.  But now research* supports it.  People who spend more time in deep discussions and less time in small talk report feeling happier.  We’re just built that way.  We long for and need connection.   We’ve found the most satisfying way of connecting is to talk to your partner about themselves and about your relationship.  Try this today:  Ask your partner, “Have you had any thoughts or feelings about our relationship you haven’t told me?”  Watch closeness grow.   

*For more on the research, go to http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/17/talk-deeply-be-happy/

Note:  More Love Names from yesterday’s question:  “Lovebug,” “Babe,”  “Sugar,” “Handsome”  Thanks for responding.  It warmed our hearts.

Sweetie.  Darling.  My love.  Honey.  I could go on and on.  They’re all love names.  And they’re what flow when you’re in love.  You can’t help yourself.  Because love wants to express itself.  To gush.  It’s an artesian well.  Jim and I were early in our relationship when he burst out with our first love word, “Sweetheart.”  Then he said, “Oh!  Maybe I shouldn’t have called you that!”  But I said, “Oh, no. Call me Sweetheart! Call me Sweetheart!”  To an outsider it might sound mushy.  But soulmates dare to be mushy.

Question:  What’s the favorite love name you’ve ever been called or ever called someone?  Comment here or on our SoulmateSkills Fan Page.  Thanks!

Answers So Far:  “Queeny,”  “Lil Bunny,”  “HoneyBunny,”  “Baby,”  “Love,” “Lovey,” “Honey,” “Sugar,” “My Love”  We love it!  Keem ‘em comin’.

Ever turn your back on your partner in bed?  Ever refuse to say “thank you” for a make-the-peace gift after an argument?  You know what that is?  That’s a desire for revenge.  We want them to hurt like we’ve hurt.  While revenge gives us an initial surge of hard-hearted satisfaction, it ends up being cold comfort.  And it robs us of minutes or hours of the pleasure of closeness.  So, if our goal is a high-voltage soulmate relationship, we have to make a values choice.  Do I want revenge or closeness?

Note:  Click on the OUR STORY tab above for a new post just added today.  Jim explains to me the difference between life-giving dependence and co-dependency.

Me, Me, Me!  It’s all about me!  These are childlike words that I know well.  I had something essential to learn about this in our relationship.  While Jim was fabulous at seeing me and meeting my needs, I had to see that there was another person in our relationship.  I had a partner who was a real person who wasn’t just there to meet my needs.  He had needs too.  To live a soulmate relationship, you have to grow out of self-centeredness.  And you know what?  To see your beloved and meet his or her needs feels really good.  It’s a pleasure all its own.

Note:  Have you checked out our SoulmateSkills Facebook Fan Page?  People are sharing their soulmate stories there.  Check it out.  They’re wonderful!

A lucky charm.  Is that what it takes to find your soulmate?  Don’t bet on it.  When Jim and I met at Asilomar Retreat by the Sea, it was for us a culmination of a focused soulmate quest.  Plus living true to our deep self by pursuing our doctorate.  And a good sprinkling of determination to seize the moment of our meeting.  But we must admit, it felt like something bigger than us had a hand in bringing us together.  So, whether you’re searching for your soulmate or have found your love, here’s our wish for you:  May your mind be clear, your heart be true, and may all the Good there is bless you with your heart’s desire.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Note: The March SoulmateSkills Newsletter is out!  Did you get yours?  If you’re not on our email list, sign up today.  Click on our Newsletter sign up on the sidebar of this page.  We’ll get it right out to you.  And if you have questions or comments, don’t hesitate to comment here.

Don’t do it!  Don’t bottle up your feelings.  You know why?  It’s gonna hurt you.  And it’s gonna stifle closeness.  And one more thing.  It will lead to your feelings coming out sideways.  In snippy comments.  Or outright explosions.  Then you’ll not only have distance.  You’ll have wounded distance.  See?  Nothing good can come out of withholding your feelings.  But there’s a way to do it skillfully.  Report it early.  And use neutral tone and language:  “I’m feeling troubled” or “I’m feeling angry” or “I’m in some pain.”  That’s how you do it.  Do this, and you’re on your way to a high-voltage soulmate connection.

Empathy.  You gotta have it to have closeness.  It means deeply understanding the other’s feelings.  Feeling the other’s pain.  One caveat.  You have to have the mental flexibility not to get lost in their pain.  Because soulmate empathy comes with caring.  Jim has lived that in our marriage.  He says, “Is something troubling you?”  I say, “No, I don’t think so.”  But then, he presses a little further.  “You seem troubled.  Are you?”  And that wakes me up to look deeper inside.  “Well, maybe it was what happened in a conversation I had today.”  And darned if that isn’t it!  So your empathy helps your partner confront hidden pain.  And then have the love and caring of your soulmate to work it through.  So, if you’re on your soulmate quest, look for someone who can empathize.  If you’ve found your soulmate, feel the gift of soulmate empathy.

It was our first time to make love.  And Jim set the tone for it.  He surprised me–prefacing our lovemaking  by reading a poem to me.  It was Phyllis McGinley’s “Midcentury Love Letter:”  “Stay near me, speak my name.  Oh, do not wander by a thought’s span, heart’s impulse from the light we kindle here.  We two have but our burning selves for shelter.”  It melted me.  Those words contain the secret to High-Voltage sex.  It’s about merging.  Your hearts and bodies.  And putting it into words.  It’s letting all the longing that’s deeply in us be expressed.  Surrendering to each other.  Embracing the intensity.  There you’ll find your intimate soulmate connection.

It’s called experience matching.  And it’s not only a conversation stopper.  It’s a closeness blocker.  It happens when you say something about yourself, and the other person, instead of responding with a connected response, says something about themselves.  For example, you say, “I just met a new guy.”  The other person says, “Oh, I met three new guys just this week.”  This is a self-centered response.  There’s no connecting with the original speaker.  And all it gets you is distance.  You may do this too.  It may seem perfectly normal.  A lot of conversation consists of one experience matching after another.  And it’s why a lot of conversations seem unsatisfying.  We want to offer an alternative.  It’s a communication skill that will produce closeness.  It’s called interested questions.  It consists of 7 powerful words:  “Can you tell me more about that?”  Try it.  You’ll be on your way to a high-voltage soulmate connection.

Note:  You’ll learn lots more about blocks to closeness, as well as communication skills in our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic.  You can buy it here on our Products page or at amazon.com.

Do you live trying not to make waves in your relationships?  Trying not to rock the boat?  You know what that is?  That’s fear.  You know where it comes from?  From your Inner Critic.  Telling you that you’re inferior to others.  It says what they want is more important than what you want.  What they feel is more important than what you feel.  You need to fear them.  They don’t need to fear you.  The result?  You put others on a pedestal.  And you disempower yourself.  That’s no way to live.  We want to experience you in your power.  Speaking your voice.  Being you!  So today, start rocking the boat.

Note:  Our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, will teach you skills for how to live without fear.  It’s available on our Products page of this website and at amazon.com.