Soulmate Skills

Are we convinced that you should search for a soulmate?  Or should you wait passively, as in the Taoist principle of  non-interference, called wu-wei?  Five years after we married, Jim chronicled his active search for me:  “I began my search for you in 1941, in Detroit, little knowing that you hadn’t been born yet.  Let’s skip to November 1951, the first time there was a possibility of finding you.  In that month, I was back in the Navy in Pensacola, still searching.  You weren’t there.”  His letter follows his journey to California in the 1960s; to his master’s program in 1985; then finally to his doctoral program in 1989:  “By now I had a list of criteria.  And then there you were, sitting next to me in Curlew [our meeting room].  The more I found out about you, the more I realized it was you!  And so I began to fall in love with you.”  As for me, I had given up on ever finding a soulmate; had in fact, become cynical about love.  Yet, as I walked into that meeting room to begin my doctoral program, some locked-away part of me, the soulmate part, came alive.  She saw Jim.  She rejected all those empty chairs at a respectable distance from the only person yet in the room.  She sat in the chair next to him.  She had found her man.  As we step back from our individual stories to share with you, here’s what we see:  We were both actively pursuing our dream–getting our doctorate.  And we each had a longing for a soulmate that could not be quelled.  So, there’s no stopping it.  Whether or not your mind will admit it, your heart will be searching.  We recommend you equip yourself by reading our booklet, “Establishing Criteria for a Life Partner,” available on our sidebar.  Your mind and heart will be ready to recognize your soulmate.

“Our meeting is having a profound effect on us.  We have, it seems, taken a quantum leap into a new way of being.  It was just a sort of orientation session, and all we did was talk about our deepest concerns and then shared our love, but the ripples from that are still spreading through our lives; it was a big bang emotionally speaking.”  I’m quoting Jim’s letter to me of February 6, 1989, one month after our first meeting.  This is on my mind, because of a great article by Rebecca Webber in the September 2010 issue of Psychology Today.  It’s titled “Big Moments” and talks about those Aha! moments; peak experiences in our lives.  As Jim and I read it, we reaffirmed that meeting each other at our doctoral colloquium was a perfect example of one such peak experience.  Webber quotes Jeffrey Kottler, psychologist, on the impact of such moments:  “Their sense of who they were and what their place was in the universe had fundamentally shifted.”  When we read that, we both said, “Yes!”  Like us, when you find your soulmate, it will be a peak experience.  In fact, it will be a quantum leap in your life.

“I just can’t decide.”  Ever said that?  Most of us do at some time or other.  Whether it’s choosing what restaurant to eat at or whether to marry someone, it’s not uncommon to think, “No matter what I decide it’s going to be the wrong thing.”  We’ve discovered what such indecision is about:  It’s that you’re out of touch with your Natural Self.  That’s the part of you that’s full of aliveness and knows what it wants.  The reason you can’t access your Natural Self:  You’ve bought into your Inner Critic shoulds.  Once you do that, your Natural Self wishes get obscured.  What to do?  Get free from your Inner Critic.  Identify each should that’s blocking your decision-making.  Then declare a releasing statement.  In Disarming Your Inner Critic, we offer step-by-step skills to equip you to get free.  You have the right to make decisions that lead to a happy life.  We support you in going for your bliss.

“Come on full blast, girl.  You will never overwhelm me with wanting to be with me.  For I want to be with you as much as you want to be with me.”  Jim wrote that to me in March, 1989, just one month after we met.  We want to encourage you with these words.  Many of you may have been with a partner who didn’t want as much closeness as you do.  Who said, “Back off” rather than “Bring it on.”  That’s a clear sign that you’re with someone who is a voltage mismatch for you.  If you want high-voltage connection; that is, a lot of emotional closeness and sharing the full power of your inner selves, here’s the test:  If you indicate that you want a lot of closeness, they’ll respond like Jim did:  “My heart’s desire is the same as yours.  I want to be together as much as possible.”  They might even add, as Jim did, “I welcome being overwhelmed by your sweet presence.”

If you’re a procrastinator, you’re in good company.  Many, many people are.  Even if it’s only an occasional problem for you, it’s one that’s almost universal at one time or other in people’s lives.  Puzzled?  Here’s the secret:  It’s your Inner Critic.  When your Inner Critic is strong, procrastinating may be the only way you can resist its pressure.  One more thing:  you may be thinking you should do this thing you’re avoiding, but deep inside, your Natural Self does not want to do it at all.  Yet, your Inner Critic has you in its grip, so that you can’t attend to what your Natural Self is telling you.  There’s more too–more than we have space to explain here.  In our book, Disarming Your Inner Critic, we cover in detail how to get free from procrastinating.  It’s our mission to help you get free.  Then your motivational energy can flow.  Procrastination will no longer be a problem for you.

Where is God in soulmate love?  We pondered this as our love grew and developed.  Jim wrote his thoughts to me in April 1989:  “Surely, God flows through us.  We express God to each other.  He is intertwined with us?  He energizes our sexual experiences and praises our boldness?  He unfolds in us; yes.  We have to let him into our lives.  He shares in our joys, both sexual and other.  He is quite intimate with us.”  Jim’s groping words captured that we didn’t receive this as dogma.  We were experiencing this:  that a benevolent God was with us.  God was in the thick of it with us.  Observe your own soulmate journey.  See if God isn’t in it with you.

It’s bound to happen.  Somewhere along the path of your relationship, your partner will feel some insecurity.  It might be externally triggered–like by a flirtatious other.  Or it might be internally generated–like by an old hurt that resurfaces.  You might feel puzzled how to handle it.  Jim knew just what to do:  Effusive Reassurance.  Here are his words to me in his April 1989 letter:  “I sensed your insecurity during our telephone conversation this morning.  I want to tell you again in no uncertain terms, without any equivocation whatever.  I want only you.  No other woman.  Ever.  You are woman enough for me.  There’s no need for anything else.  You are complete for me.  But anyway, I’m committed to monogamy and fidelity.  It’s the only thing that seems to work.  We need the focus of our fusion generator  ‘Openness’ dissipates our sexual energies.  Not only that, it endangers our relationship.  I want to safeguard it against any threat.”  That fabulous man assured me two fundamental things that set my mind to rest:  1)  He held the value of exclusiveness in our relationship.  And he had a good reason–he wanted to vouchsafe we’d have as much closeness as possible.  2) He valued me above all others.  I was it.  So, those elements are what you’ll need to include in your response to your partner’s insecurity.  They’re powerfully reassuring.

“Silence is golden”–It’s one of those sayings you have to critique.  What’s wrong with it?  It’s a way that partners act out their emotional pain.  It’s often a way of evading making a response that would feel humiliating.  It’s a way of ignoring your partner.  At some level, it’s meant to hurt.  This all adds up to that it’s disrespectful.  And it’s uncaring.  So, beware of silence.  It will kill closeness.  Instead, report the pull to be silent.  Say, “I have a pull to be silent, but I’m not going to go there.”  Instead, talk about your pain.  For example, “I’m feeling hurt.  I have a request.  There’s something I want from you.”  In other words, keep talking to each other, but from your vulnerability.  It will maintain closeness.  It will keep your love alive.  And it will feel a lot better.

Ugh!  I should not have eaten those spicy shrimp last night.  They made me sick.  It’s not the first time I’ve felt ill in our marriage.  Each time Jim has been true to his promise that he would attend to my slightest qualm.  Even now, as he is bedridden by a severe stroke, he’s there for me.  I rested my head on his shoulder and told him how I felt.  He took my hand in his and held it tightly.  I felt his incredible strength and succorance toward me.  It is a great gift not to have to be self-sufficient in the face of physical challenges.  Soulmates say:  “You are my refuge and my comfort.”

Yesterday, I got upset.  It was a day packed with stresses.  I needed soothing and support.  I knew where to turn.  I talked to my soulmate.  Jim wasn’t feeling well, but I said, “Sweetheart, I’m troubled.”  And I dived in.  I confided in him and asked him for guidance.  He, even though weak from illness, nodded or shook his head to guide me in the things I told him I was considering doing.  Then I asked him, “Is my sharing this with you upsetting to you?”  He shook his head, “No.”  That’s how soulmates are.  When they’re upset, they turn to each other.  It’s what keeps you close.